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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to childcare in the holidays

895 replies

Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:03

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 03/08/2024 22:28

Tell her you won't be available for watching her kids going forward.
Explain that it'll save her asking, you refusing, and then there'll be no further need for unwarranted messages between family members.

Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:28

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 03/08/2024 22:23

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

I have already apologised for saying this. It wasn’t meant in a bad way I was just saying I don’t work

OP posts:
Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:29

PortiasBiscuit · 03/08/2024 22:15

i never minded looking after other people’s kids, kept mine occupied.

They certainly don’t occupy mine. Especially when my DC are in holiday clubs

OP posts:
Ewock · 03/08/2024 22:29

I had to put my foot down with friends. I'm a part time teacher and apparently that meant I am a free for all for childcare during the holidays. I shut that down very quickly.
I don't mind emergency and happy to help but it has to fit in with what dc and I want to do.
Some of the kids my dc don't get on with so that's always a no. Others I'll say yes the odd time and my dc get to have a play date at ours.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 03/08/2024 22:30

Stick to your guns. Your DH isn’t offering you is he?

I’m a teacher and last summer I was asked at short notice to look after a friend’s child but just from 7am to 10 am (dropping her off at a club) and picking her up at 3 pm and looking after her until 6 pm.
No offence to friend’s child but she was high need - ADHD and other SEN - my daughter was 16 and self sufficient and my son was with his Dad and it was my holiday. Might not have been going away but it was 2 whole weeks. At the October half term she asked me again the week before (again short notice) but this time I said no. I needed down time and to spend my time not stressing and when I thought about it 30 hours a week of childcare plus lifts to and from was a huge ask. I didn’t even get a bottle of wine either!

Tagyoureit · 03/08/2024 22:31

Motheranddaughter · 03/08/2024 22:28

Ok but to me it still strengthens family relationships ,which to me are paramount

But the OP has helped numerous times before, the in laws never reciprocate and this time the OP's kids will be at clubs and she's busy.

The in laws aren't bothered about family relationships, they want free childcare!

HiCandles · 03/08/2024 22:31

YANBU at all. They were clearly planning on you saying yes all summer long otherwise they would've organised clubs, camps etc the same way all other parents do. Extremely cheeky. I would make it clear that you find the going telling tales very disrespectful and their attitude is greedy, and they've burnt their bridges for any more ad hoc childcare, emergencies aside.

RawBloomers · 03/08/2024 22:32

YANBU at all.

Tell your DH not to mention to you when he gets pressure from his family about you not picking up the pieces for his brother's lack of planning. He needs to just shut them down and leave you out of it.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 03/08/2024 22:33

I'd probably help out for 1 day but not all 3. That way, you keep the peace and help out a little but not entirely being taken advantage of.

Just repeat that you have plans and tell them you're meeting up with friends at their house and can't look after their kids. End of.

Then tell them to make sure they have alternative plans for the rest of the month.

AnneElliott · 03/08/2024 22:33

Your SIL is being cheeky. You've already helped her out this week and you have plans next week.

I'd not be helping out ever again after their ridiculous tantrum! Their kids, their responsibility to sort childcare.

Tagyoureit · 03/08/2024 22:33

RawBloomers · 03/08/2024 22:32

YANBU at all.

Tell your DH not to mention to you when he gets pressure from his family about you not picking up the pieces for his brother's lack of planning. He needs to just shut them down and leave you out of it.

I'd want to know what the in laws are saying as that would cement my resolution to never baby sit again!

Epicaricacy · 03/08/2024 22:34

You made a huge financial sacrifice to stay home, why should other people benefit?

If your SIL hasn't offered a swap (have mine 2 days, I'll have yours 2 days) she is a CF. You wouldn't have to accept a swap anyway, you have your own life.

You have plans, sorry you cannot help. Nothing else needed.

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/08/2024 22:34

YANBU, it's their responsibility to arrange childcare. I have mine sorted and fully booked around 3 months before summer holidays start because I need to make sure it's all planned in military fashion, with back up plans in place in the event of illness or any other unexpected event.

The fact that they're asking the week before shows that they are expecting a yes and see asking as just a cursory act.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 03/08/2024 22:35

Nope, can’t stand it when people are entitled like this.

We have family helping out with childcare this summer. It was arranged months ago, with consultation as to which days they can do, and it’s only one child at a time when the other is in a club. Obviously in an emergency I might ring and ask for help, but a lack of planning is not an emergency!

Duckingella · 03/08/2024 22:35

They've had a whole academic year to plan Summer childcare.

It's really rude of your BIL to have that conversation with your DH;your DH is not your manager and cannot force you to have his brother's kids;your BIL was clearly expecting your DH to agree to make you have them.

Your BIL and SIL are CF's.

ManchesterLu · 03/08/2024 22:37

No way. She's being seriously cheeky. Suggest that you could take them certain days, and she can takes yours on certain days in return, see how that goes down. My guess is.. like a lead balloon.

Epicaricacy · 03/08/2024 22:38

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 03/08/2024 22:23

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

Oh please, we all know what it means to be a "full time mum".

We don't do much parenting when our kids are with a childcare provider of any kind of setting let's be honest.

It's not such a privilege to take financial sacrifice to stay home. I personally find it a privilege to be able to work and get out of the house 😂It's incredibly lucky to have the support and the means to work the hours you need.

You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.
but she spends a hell of time more doing parenting - I am not doing anything "mum-related" when I am at work! No one should.

CovertPiggery · 03/08/2024 22:38

They're taking the piss. Not even offering a reciprocal arrangement.

Stick to your guns OP.

NoWayRose · 03/08/2024 22:38

Ooh the entitlement! You’ve helped them out numerous times, but they are still ‘disappointed’. Shows you might as well draw the line at nothing, as wherever you draw the line, they’ll still get angry.

Reminds me of when I let my kids stay up late and they still have a tantrum. Makes me think I might as well have sent them to bed at 7pm sharp seeing as I’ll be dealing with exactly the same tantrum whether it’s early or late

WimpoleHat · 03/08/2024 22:39

My DBIL has yet again text my DH about families helping out etc.

Are they going to give you some of their salaries? To help you out because you’re not working? Didn’t think so…. It only goes one way with these things. You don’t work because you want to have more time to do things with your own kids. You have more time, but there’s an opportunity cost to that choice. They have more money, but less time because they’re working. There’s a cost of childcare to that choice. Why should you be an unpaid nanny?

Original poster
Aprilmaymum · 03/08/2024 22:40

Thank you for your comments. I am going to stick to my guns. I mentioned well before summer of different clubs that were bookable etc but my DSIL didn’t book anything. My DBIL has said they have no leave left as they went to America for a month in april taking the DC out of school. My DH has no said to DBIL that he supports my decision and we are busy for the week. I no it will not be the end of it but I am not backing down. My eldest even said this morning he is looking forward to a quieter house ) he is very shy and likes his space )

OP posts:
ReggaetonLente · 03/08/2024 22:40

SAHM mum here and I get this too OP. Last week we were invited for a play date at someone’s house and the mum went out! Leaving me to look after her daughter and mine, in her house!

I’ve also taken some kids on outings and had them over for the day which is fine but I hope they remember and help me out when I go back to work in September!

berksandbeyond · 03/08/2024 22:40

Favour237 · 03/08/2024 22:07

You’re not being unreasonable to say no to childcare, you’re not obligated to provide it to anyone else, you don’t even have to justify it to anyone just say no that doesn’t work for us.

You are being unreasonable to say full time mum (mothers who work aren’t part time mums) you are a stay at home mum.

Spot on

prescribingmum · 03/08/2024 22:41

Motheranddaughter · 03/08/2024 22:28

Ok but to me it still strengthens family relationships ,which to me are paramount

Strengthening relationships would be a two way street where they help the OP in some way, even if not holiday childcare.

In OP’s shoes, I would refuse to have them entirely going forward. Send details of your DC holiday clubs and they can book theirs in too, rest of days you have plans and are unable to have them because you don’t have a car big enough.

ButterCrackers · 03/08/2024 22:41

Your kids are in activities and your dsil expects you to look after her kids! what a cf she is. When does she look after your kids? I bet she’s not offered days of childcare to you. Tell her that she can pay a babysitter.