Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

i never minded looking after other people’s kids, kept mine occupied.

It is hard for some/many parents in summer, so they need to plan. In advance, not thinking about next week now. They can ask at that point but if you're not available they need to think of alternatives. As a family, not just SIL

All our DC are under 9
my DSIL has twins who are very active shall we say

Well that's lovely but you didn't mind.

The OP does mind because her kids are in clubs and she's using that time to do her stuff, not be free childcare for disorganised in laws so it's not quite the same!

I’m a SAHM. I don’t mind doing childcare for people who reciprocate, even if not completely equally. And I’ll happily have my children’s friends round as it generally helps me entertain mine too. Not sure I’d agree to three extras at once though.

But outside of a medical emergency no chance I’d be having other people’s children when my own were otherwise occupied at activities, or for people who don’t return the favour, family or not. I’m happy to be helpful, but I’m not a childminder.

Also I’m not my husband’s employee, I’d be pretty furious if my brother in law roped my husband into this kind of disagreement. It’s not up to DH.

I'm sure op is quite able to get her point across without swearing.
Poor advice and unnecessary.

The DSIL asked me. I said no. Her DH then contacted my DH

This is one of those "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" situations.

I'd get vocally offended tbh. They haven't booked childcare, assumed you'd do it and waited until the holidays are well underway before asking. Very disrespectful. Don't meekly apologise, you and DH both tell them (and MIL) how rude they are being.

What was her original plan for them next week? That is v cheeky. Do they ever offer to look after your children? It’s different if there is give and take.

I see no problem with her asking, providing she has a backup plan and accepts it when you say no. I ask for help when I need it. We're always told to ask for help, don't suffer in silence etc, but it's when people demand help or refuse to accept no that it becomes cheeky and taking the piss.

When BIL texts to remind DH that families help each other reply yes, @Aprilmaymum was really generous helping out last week, maybe MIL could help?

Just because you stay at home that doesn't mean that you're at the beck and call of people wanting free childcare. You are certainly well within your rights to say no for any and all reasons and sil and bil are being entitled and rude to expect otherwise. Your BIL is taking the piss big time going on about how "disappointed" they are in you. Excuse me?! You have a greater right to be disappointed in them for having so little regard for your time and wishes. Stick to your guns and tell DH to find his balls and defend you.

But they aren't accepting it, they are making snidey remarks to her husband.

I feel bad for you, sure it’s causing you a lot of stress. I bet they assumed you’d just have them, so made no plans and are now panicking.

Stand your ground if you can OP, otherwise you could have years of this ahead. As others have said, if MIL etc are so outraged, let them be inconvenienced.

It is entirely your choice
Personally I am always happy to look after my nephews and nieces ,love seeing my children interacting with their cousins
But if you don’t want this ,that’s absolutely fine

Yanbu to say no to childcare but you are being vvvv unreasonable to use thr phrase "full time mum" which is sickeningly insulting. All mums are "full time" - most especially when we are working to put food on our DC's table and a roof over their heads. You having the privilege of a partner whose income means you don't have to work is veru nice but that makes you a Stay At Home Parent. You don't spend a single extra minute "being a mum" than a woman who works.

But of course you don't have to give anyone free childcare and it's fine to say no.

Personally I'd much rather make arrangements with other working mums so that I can offer to reciprocate the favour in a different week.

The school holiday dates are publicised months in advance. There is no justification for them not having planned this. A good reason to move away from extended family. Your BIL blaming you for their lack of planning is awful

Great response!

But OP's children are in clubs on those days so there is no delightful cousin interaction on the cards...

If I said what I really wanted to say I'd get banned, but thanks for policing my language 👍

Never had my DC.
they tend to take each day as it comes. So last half term I had them for three days. They both do shift work. I know DSIL DB also helps out. They don’t ever have plans. I was asked the days the DC broke up from school to have them. I cannot do 5 weeks of this so I decided of it happened again I would say no. Also my DC want to see their own friends and it isn’t possible with 6 DC. I can never go out as my car isn’t big enough.
it is hard when it is family to say no

OPs children won't even be there!

6 under 9 yr olds, for full working days ?

I wouldn't (medical emergency excepted).

I might for one day, for a special occasion if I were asked in advance if it were possible.

For working parents of dc, to whom the school holidays presumably didn't come as a surprise, I wouldn't. Maybe, if thy had asked back in May or June if there were a chance I could help on a particular day for one reason or another, but 100% not when they have just assumed.

Glad your dh has your back. I would be having words with my BiL as to why he thinks he needs to tell tales on your to his brother.

YANBU I work full time and do does DH your SIL and BIL are taking the piss. I have nieces and would help out in an emergency or for a day so they can all play together, but this is a regular childcare request.

Ok but to me it still strengthens family relationships ,which to me are paramount