Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Honestly if this is "lunch" is to try to "smooth things over" it's ridiculous.

What on earth have BIL & SIL been saying?

Can't believe that PILs would get so involved about one DIL saying no to another re free childcare for three kids-especially when the DIL being asked already has three kids of her own!

I was pointing out that staying at home is a f/t job.

Nope. Most sensible people got what OP meant.
Obviously it rustled the permanently offended.

Your MIL may have good intentions of just hosting a happy families lunch, but I'd bet good money your BIL & SIL will see it as an opportunity to embarrass / cajole, blackmail you into childcare over the next few weeks. Please don't go

Duck is spot on.

It's an ambush, even if you are knowingly walking into it. Make excuses for the whole of your family and counter invite them first weekend after the kids return to school.

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine…

LOVE this, @Love51!
See also:
A lack of planning on your part does not make it my responsibility to pick up the pieces.

I would not go to the family meal this weekend but won't end well. You will either be bullied into having the kids or there will be an atmosphere and you'll spend it trying to defend your position.

I would suggest you meet up together then, when fail is off work. Such as for dinner or a weekend morning

Nah I’d have something on already.

You know, why do you feel the need to hijack a perfectly interesting and focused thread with these arguments over semantics?

Why not start a separate one instead of inflicting this on those of us interested in the OP's dilemma?

Given OP apologised about the ft mum thing 5 days ago, could we maybe park it here or move it to a different thread? It's repetitive and irrelevant to OP's dilemma with her family.

We usually get together about 3 times a year

I really appreciate all your thoughts and my DH and I have discussed at length about not going or going and what is the best thing to do. The thing is though I get on very well with my in-laws. They have always been nice and kind and although they don’t engage in childcare ( I totally respect they have done their time as parents) I respect them as people. I feel that by now saying no ( they asked were we are to come and I said yes already ) that I am then being the awkward one. I have none nothing wrong and so don’t feel I have to avoid anyone. My DH and I are both on board and will support each other. My in laws and not the sort to pressure me they are more likely to support me so I don’t want it in fact hide away.
we will go and if it is mentioned deal with it then. I do admit to being apprehensive but then why should I when I did the best for my family.

Let us know how the lunch goes: hopefully, the issue will not be mentioned, and you'll have a nice time and wonder what you were worrying about.

Arguably, op, depending on the ages of all the children (yours and hers) you'd technically be over the threshold considered safe with sole charge (appreciate that's for a childminder but still a valid point) and might be worth using as ammunition if a simple NO won't suffice?

That’s fair enough, OP. It’s great your PILs won’t get involved in this, so no chance of everyone ganging up on you. You’re grown ups, if SIL/BIL say anything you can answer them right back. Just be firm and factual: babysitting of cousins, much as we all love them, just isn’t what we had in mind when I decided to go PT. We’ve taken a cut to our household income for us to have a life that works for all 5 of us. Three more people is too much. I want to keep the kids’ relationships on the same level. Let’s drop this now, I don’t want to go over this again and again.

If it gets raised, say that you find looking after 6 children too difficult.

I hope you don’t get put in a difficult situation at the get together.

It really is crazy that they think it’s fair and ok for you to entertain and look after 6 children!

This, completely.

I don't understand why @Aprilmaymum wouldn't go.

As she has quite rightly said in her last post, she has done nothing wrong. She doesn't need to skulk away, or act as if she is guilty of anything and should hide away from them. It would be odd to not go.

She has said the PiL are lovely, and aren't against her decision at all. There's no ganging up involved.

@Aprilmaymum if they expect you to take on more when you already cut your hours for your own benefit you might as well increase your hours again and get paid for it. So cheeky.

Someone needs to tell the pair of them to just fuck off. Unbelievable behaviour from, apparently, adults who are supposed to be capable for jobs, kids, bills and a mortgage. They have no shame so fuck them.

You'll have to update us op how the family get together goes. I'm glad you and your Dh are on the same page about saying no.

It’s the control aspect I wouldn’t like.

Being summoned for dinner at short notice - it doesn’t sound like it’s the sort of invitation it would be easy to say no to.

She’s not a child.