Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

If they start going on about childcare and family obligations, I'd retaliate by saying how financially stretched your family is at the moment (one income, mortgage rises, bad investments?) and start dropping heavy hints that a 'loan' would be appreciated. People always back off if you ask them for money.

Sahm as well. Having an autistic teen who is prone to violent outbursts when at home does prevent people from asking me to have their children. Any day his father takes him out I try to invite all his younger brother's friends though. See I love to have children over (daytime) but on the condition that it is me asking, not for being taken advantage of like OP's SIL. She seems extremely entitled and cheeky so good job to stop enabling her lack of planning and having put your foot down OP!

Honestly? I wouldn’t go. They want to strong arm you. It’s awful.

Agreed. Cry off with a bad headache (you must be coming down with something and don’t want to pass it on to anyone else over the holidays). Leave your DH to it. If it is an attempt to strong arm you, they will know you know (if you see what I mean) and you’ll have laid down a pretty strong marker. If it’s not, well - no lasting harm done - you just weren’t feeling well on the day.

I agree that that sounds ominous.

Be prepared to leave if they start to bully you.

Or just husband & kids go?

Ominous as it sounds, I would go, but only after explaining to my DH that I was driving, and at the first sign of coercion, I would be leaving.

I had years of a MIL’s manipulation and attempts at bullying , and I learned to walk away, before I exploded.

I think it's a bit short notice to drop everything and do that this weekend. Don't most people make plans for weekends 3 or 4 weeks in advance? Presumably this is part of the limited time that DH is home. Even if you're not actually going off to do something elsewhere, there would be multiple things we'd be planning for a so-called "quiet" weekend because it would be a few weeks till we next got a chance.

"Sorry it's a bit short notice. We have plans for this weekend. Nothing planned yet for the weekend of 31stAug/1stSep if you'd like us to come then?"

The whole lot of them need to get it in their heads that you aren't at their disposal to drop everything and give them your time whenever they ask.

Nope, would give that a hard swerve.

The likelihood is that you will be guilted, attempts to strong arm you and it could be the final nail in your relationship.

These are users with two salaries that couldn't care less about you and your children.

I bet you would have loved a months holiday stateside?
Free childcare for 3 children for the summer holidays must run in a couple of thousand.....

People like this are users and will be outraged at you daring to not want to be free au pair for them.

Free childcare is far more important than any relationship with you.

If you go, you will be kicking yourself.
They could well send the children over to you on the day, asking to visit, to put you on the spot.

Think about your marriage and how you will feel about your husband if his family use a gathering to gang up on you?

Talk to your husband...don't go.

You need space from these users.

I don't think I would send your DH and kids without you, because that gives the others a chance to talk them round about how mean and unfamily-oriented you are. You don't want your own nuclear family turned against you. Either all go or none go, but definitely be ready to leave at a moment's notice (maybe lay down a 'someone is feeling a bit sick' placeholder at the start so you can pretend it's sudden sickness when you do).

This. You should continue to be united front, so all of you go, or none of you.

At the end of the day your ILs just want a quiet life . Who doesn’t !
They know your BIL and SIL have messed up big time .
They don’t want to end up looking after 3 grandchildren either.
Thing is SIL and BIL are adults , who took their kids out of school for a month and used all their AL , what did they think was going to happen? Summer childcare was magically going to happen ?
This is not your drama to solve or explain to them.
Summer holidays are hard work , you and your H work together to manage them for your family. You gave up work so you could cover their childcare. Your 3 children are enough , expecting to care for more for 9 hr days is beyond entitled.

It sounds like you and your H are on the same page which is good. This is not your problem .

keep in the back of your mind how your son was finding it too much to have his more energetic demanding cousins at your home all the time and was enjoying some peace.

Be prepared to leave early if they start emotionally trying blackmail you.
Your family and their happiness is your main priority.

OP, you don’t think SIL/BIL will just turn up at your house, children in tow, on the days they’re stuck for childcare, perhaps thinking that you won’t refuse if they’re on your doorstep?
They sound entitled and thick skinned enough to do that.

Exactly what happened to a friend once . She had said no several times ( also to a SIL/ BIL) and they arrived at 7.30 on the Monday morning, rang the bell and were half way down the path when my friend opened the door to the 2 DC on her doorstep !!

I think a PP put it well - "So you want me to share the time I have now with the children as I have given up my job, but you dont want to share the extra income you get by both working full-time?" said in front of the in laws.

The in laws might just be trying to get everyone together to be friends, not doing this lunch to pressure the op. She says they are nice!

I'd go to the lunch OP, with a bright smile and friendly attitude. After all, family is important to you, you're delighted for the cousins to see each other, and most importantly you've nothing to be embarrassed about.

If they ask, just keep saying no. Six kids is too many by yourself and just stick to that line.

Well done so far. I would politely decline and offer them some future dates for meeting when you’re available. It is really important they see that you plan things with your time and won’t be railroaded.

This happened to a friend once . She had said no several times ( also to a SIL/ BIL) and they arrived at 7.30 on the Monday morning, rang the bell and were half way down the path when my friend opened the door to the 2 DC on her doorstep !!

What happened next @Mylovelygreendress ???

OP a really powerful part of influencing meetings is setting the agenda. If they keep the conversation about "what @Aprilmaymum will do to help BiL & SiL" then there will be a huge disparity assumption kind of sneaked under the radar.

This should not be about you having to justify not taking 6 kids and disrupting your own kids to help out. This should start from hang on, you have never once looked after my 3 DC. What on earth entitles you to demand more massive favours from me when you have never once done a single one for us? Reset the boundaries. Don't let the discussion stay in the space where it's all about how many (more) favours are demanded of you without anything coming back in return. It doesn't need to be tit for tat but there comes a point where you feel incredibly taken for granted, they are treating you like a service provider not a family member.

I don't think these are a particularly good choice of words but my point is go in with your own agenda, don't just kowtow to theirs. They will want to talk about how to get you to help them more. Change the agenda to something else, reject their assumptions that it's your job to help. If you only counter with "oh but DC are already booked into clubs" it's not a bad argument in the short term. However in using it you are tacitly accepting/going along with their assumption that it's kind of your job unless you have a good enough excuse, and the favours should continue to flow one way.

My friends recently divorced brother turned up with his 2 children one Monday morning at the beginning of a week's holidays, except she was on her way to her in laws for the week.

He had caught her some months earlier and she had an inkling he was going to do it again, so she was already gone.
He has a BIG job.

He rung her furious but she was having none of it and hung up.
She happily didn't hear from him for a couple of months but as the school holidays approached he contacted her again.

She spelt it out that she had no intention whatsoever to be his childcare. She had plans with her two teens and his childcare arrangements were NOTHING to do with her.
They are not close and she is hugely ambivalent about him.

Her mother called and tried to intervene but she also put her mother firmly in her place and has hugely cut back on contacting her too.

She is menopausal and really enjoying enforcing boundaries right left and centre, and the peace it has brought her.😁

I must say I am surprised when people allow their family members to behave so badly without enforcing stronger boundaries just to keep the peace. OP sounds very reasonable yet I do question the “good family relationship” -from this thread it’s only the parents in law who appear to actually be nice people. I personally would rethink my relationship with sil and bil, they don’t sound respectful to op at all.

He rung her furious

What on earth did he say?!

I'd respond to the invite by saying that you and DH unfortunately had plans and can't make it however knowing how keen BIL and SIL are to get the cousins together you are going to get DH to drop your children off so they can all play together. DH can pick them up later.

Friend didn’t want to upset the DC so looked after them for the day but when the parents collected them and told them if they ever pulled that stunt again , she would report them to Social Services . Like the OP they never returned the favour. She
It caused a huge family row with even her DH ( now ex!) telling her she was being unreasonable but she stuck to her guns . They asked a few times after that and she said no every time .

If you only counter with "oh but DC are already booked into clubs" it's not a bad argument in the short term. However in using it you are tacitly accepting/going along with their assumption that it's kind of your job unless you have a good enough excuse, and the favours should continue to flow one way.

This is a really good point. The OP shouldn’t need to have a string of excuses ready, because the assumption shouldn’t be made in the first place.

OMG - but what was his justification for being furious, particularly as he hadn’t actually made any arrangements with her?