Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I'm all for helping family out but there is a limit even if one person is a stay at home mum. From your posts it seems you do help them out and on this occasion you have said no. Just because you are at home and your kids are at clubs doesn't mean you are free at your SIL whim.

Also who plans childcare less than a week in advance esp over the holidays. What was her original plan? When did that fall through? Does she not have a back up plan that isn't you?

If its brought up at lunch just remind them you looked after her children already this holidays and maybe MIL/FIL/her parents could do it this time as you have plans.

We have to book holiday clubs at the start of the summer (sometimes as earlier as straight after May half term) to ensure we have a space. I have my childcare for holidays planned out at least a year in advance. Obviously things can change but my parents (my in laws live abroad) are up front about what weeks they can help with or what we ask for help with well in advance. I dumbfounds me when someone hasn't got it all planned out already when they work

OP I wouldn't go to the lunch. I would decline and say we have x plans, then invite in-laws to a lunch at your house on a day you know that your SIL etc are working. I would also thank my in laws for the offer of lunch, apologise for being unable to make it and ask them if they are free on a couple of dates which are after the schools go back.

Stamping his feet because he wasn’t getting his own way.

Some bullshit about him not thinking it was such a big deal, ...he has BIG job..... they were easy kids to look after, he was up the walls in work, they were family, surely she could help out.....it's only keeping an eye on them...they are no longer babies. ....he has a BIG job...

You know... the usual entitled bullshit that men come out with when they think the nearest vagina should facilitate their every need.

My friend has blocked him, she really is ambivalent about him and knows that being involved with him will mean him trying to use her, and she is having none of it.
His Ex wife works full time and had enough of him too.
She had gone on a weeks holiday so was not around.

I have no idea what he has ended up doing.
Poor kids
Did I mention he has a BIG job🙄

I wouldn't go. Let your DH go with the DCs so they can 'see their cousins' while you have some time to yourself.

You need to discuss this upcoming invite with your DH.
Im sure the cousins will have been briefed beforehand and will try to manipulate your children into having them all together.
Be aware they may be speaking to your children to try to make you change your mind

OP. The timing of this lunch is no accident. Why is it so urgent it absolutely has to happen this weekend? It's not a lovely peacemaking occasion, although they will all keep saying that it is ( although you haven't declared war, you've simply said no to some childcare.) Its CF Phase 2
They have already used PILs, and Bil to BIL to pressurise you. trying to get your own DH to TELL you to do it. Is it that unreasonable to assume that both sets of ILs are looking to strong arm you or at the very least, put you in your place?

They will keep on at you and DH because they know you are a kind nice person and they want you to do what they want. Family loyalty, Oh but the Kids, Surely we are here to help each other, etc.. They do not care about ANY of your genuine reasons ( or as they call them excuses) Not one.

They want you to solve their problem come what may. Both sets do... Otherwise why isn't dear MIL offering to cover.? She's going to say she's doing her bit by having the lunch! Getting the family "together". She may well come up with some kind of "proposal". which will be hard to turn down because on the surface it's "meeting you halfway" (nevermind halfway to what?).

They will use the fact that the kids are there, to play on your heart strings, look over at them fondly and say "let's not argue in front of the kids" (even though you are not arguing.) "You see how well they get on?" "Let's set a good example (do what we want)" and then look meaningfully at you. If you disagree, you will be the Bad Guy. You already are even though you have already generously helped them, they all conveniently forget that. BIL and SIL consider themselves the victims here. Quite Trumpian really. You personally "upset SIL" remember? Nevermind the stress this pressure has caused you.

If you want them to stop taking advantage of you and disrespecting your time you have to say to yourself on repeat "Give them an inch and they will take a mile." These are grade A CFs and they don't care how much they have to lean on you to get their way. Additionally, they are really cross that you have dared to say no to them and will be keen to put you back in line.

Ironic really, if they put this much effort into finding their own childcare, they'd have it sorted by now.

Do not:
Send DH and kids on their own - they will try to convert him and strong arm him. Also. "We tried to talk reasonably to OP but she wouldn't even come to lunch. We are so upset at her attitude towards the family."

Do not: Go thinking that you can simply leave if it becomes unpleasant - It is much harder to walk out gracefully than you think and they will simply say,
"We tried to reason with OP but she stormed out in a temper of the lovely lunch (even if you didn't) we planned to bring the family together. She is impossible and the poor children were so upset that their Aunt doesn't want to spend time with them. Her DH had to be dragged out too and we could see he was upset "

Do not: agree to any suggestion of them having your kids on a Saturday or an evening in the holidays - or ask them to.. see giving an inch abpve . It will simply be used to fabricate an illusion they've helped you and now it's your turn. "Oh but we had your DC when... "

Your best bet is to keep them at arm's length, politely, until the holiday crisis is over.
You are busy but would love to meet up weekend of 7th September. (preferably in a park/picnic/outdoors activity scenario) as you really want the kids to have fun together. I think that this method will be the most peaceful solution as the lunch could get quite fraught and it will give time for things to cool down when the holiday pressure on both sides is removed as you won't have to be refusing them emergency help. At the moment they still think they can persuade you. I think this is the quieter way to cool things down.

I realise reading back over this that what I've said sounds very cynical and may look like harsh judgement of your in laws. You may be thinking It won't be as bad as that. You could well be right and perhaps I am being a bit cynical, but it's based on lived CF experience and also on your descriptions of what they have done so far. If there is a "CF Script" your SIL is following it.

But ultimately, you know the characters involved best to pick your best path. I wish you best of luck dealing with this. You are not an unkind person to stand up for yourself and your own DC.

Excellent overview. Excellent advice. OP must not give in or give one inch to these people. The CF-ery is monumental.
They quite clearly see OPs time as belonging to them, not her.

Do not go to the lunch! They are ganging up on you and inviting you into a gladiatorial arena.

I think some are overreacting. Remember, the PIL sided with OP once they knew what was going on, I suspect that they just want to get everyone together in the hopes it will blow over.

OP is in the right, so all she needs to do is brightly say no, that it isn't possible and she isn't available for childcare.

100% this. I'm a FT mum but also work FT and volunteer on top of that.

OP acknowledged that on 3 August. RTFT.

Don’t go - it’s a trap!

Excellent analysis by @Duck

CF's like these are cheap skates that cannot bear to be thwarted by the silly fact that OP doesn't want to be their skivvy au pair.

People like this are utterly scummy.
They add nothing to anyone's life.

They want to save themselves money on the back of you being silly enough to work part-time.

You are a useful commodity and will be strong armed by the in laws to get them out of it.

I have heard of versions of this dozens of times over the 16 years I had children in primary, particularly as I was a SAHM.

I never got caught buyt I advised many a friend how to handle CF's who were "unbelievably stuck".

LOL at gladiatorial arena.
OP’s response:👎

I think I’d be sending a message thanking them for the invite but that I was feeling under the weather, so wouldn’t be coming.

That might make people stop and think and cement the idea that someone ‘not feeling too well’ probably shouldn’t be asked to look after 6 children.

Be alert to questions such as "what are your plans for next week?" "what are you up to on Thursday" etc.

And be ready with "we've got a really packed schedule next week" etc.

I wouldn't go. I'd either tell them this weekend isn't convenient or I'd develop an illness on the day, probably the former. I would probably be forthright and tell MIL I'm not coming round for a joint lunch with her other relatives at the moment as their attitude has upset you and more water needs to flow under the bridge before you meet up with them as you feel ganged up on and manipulated by them at the moment. If she wants to invite just you your husband and children that's fine.

Good point. I’d forgotten that PIL were on her side once they knew. If I were OP I still wouldn’t fancy the family lunch.

I wouldn't be relishing it, but I would want to be there to stick up for myself rather than have everyone talking about me behind my back.

Yes, she could do that. Especially if DH sticks firmly by her side.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff speaks very very wise words. Put them off til after the holidays, and if your DH has already committed, see if he can remember some commitment he 'forgot'. It is an ambush. Even if the PIL aren't pushing you, they will want you to resolve differences. The pressure to conform as a family outsider and the potential to paint you as the unreasonable one is huge. Best not engage at all, but be oh so sorry from a very vast distance. Come Sept, all happiness and light. How ARE you? Haven't see you for so long blah blah

I think I have already pointed this out. Women who are FT mums and work OUTSIDE the home as well do the double shift. Suggesting that being a stay at home mum does not mean you are full-time is just one of the ways that society relegates women who choose not to do TWO full-time jobs to second-grade citizenship. OP is a full-time mother. She has (sensibly) chosen not to do the double shift.

It's not suggesting they are lesser mums - the OP is just saying that she's actively doing childcare full time. If you look hard enough for offence, you'll find it!