Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

Well done. This is the hardest it'll be to stand up to them. Check who it is before you answer the door!

I agree with the planning other people’s lives bit. I learned many years ago to give a quick response to questions like “What are you doing next Saturday? Are you busy Friday night.”
I’d say “I’m going out for a meal with X”. Often the reply would be “Oh it’s ok, I was going to ask you to babysit… I’ll ask someone else”
cheeky buggers try to paint you into a corner.

I learned many years ago to give a quick response to questions like “What are you doing next Saturday? Are you busy Friday night.”
I’d say “I’m going out for a meal with X”. Often the reply would be “Oh it’s ok, I was going to ask you to babysit… I’ll ask someone else”
cheeky buggers try to paint you into a corner.

I've learnt that the hard way. A relative once asked if DH and I were around on a particular weekend, we said we were, and then came the request for 3 nights accommodation for 3 people. I won't get caught that way again!

I learned many years ago to give a quick response to questions like “What are you doing next Saturday? Are you busy Friday night.”
I’d say “I’m going out for a meal with X”. Often the reply would be “Oh it’s ok, I was going to ask you to babysit… I’ll ask someone else”
cheeky buggers try to paint you into a corner.

I never commit.
My response to "Are you doing anything on X day / time?" is always "What are you offering?"

They might have been offering me a spare ticket to something, to to go to something I'd enjoy.

Yep-I reply with, ‘what have you got in mind?!’

Oh no! Cheeky sods. I e been posting a lot recently and I often say “I’m 70+ now…”
Many of my contributions are about lessons learned. I have been ripped off, hoodwinked and conned so many times! I finally learned my lesson when I was about 50. I’ve been much happier ever since. 🥰

These are good replies 🥰

I've learnt that the hard way. A relative once asked if DH and I were around on a particular weekend, we said we were, and then came the request for 3 nights accommodation for 3 people. I won't get caught that way again!

You can still say no though!

Have been invited ( slightly changed so not too outing ) for lunch by the in-laws over weekend . Other family also invited. I am preparing myself already to keep the little word no in my head.

Remember, "no" is a full sentence. Do not fall into the trap of justifying how you spend your days, it is none of their business.

OP

As somebody said once on MN “your lack of planning is not my emergency”

I had my kids later in life because (besides other reasons)I was squirrelling the money for childcare. 1000’s of £££’s.

When my last childminder moved out of the area I’ve changed my job pattern and work nightshifts only to accommodate ASD DS.

You are responsible only for your DC. That’s why you’re not out there in paid employment to accommodate your family needs.

School holidays are like birthdays and Christmas.They happen every year around the same time.Your SIL and BIL were well aware of that. They chose to fritter away their days off for the holidays banking on you having their kids.

Just NO.

They have 2 full time work incomes,they can pay for their fecking childcare without emotional blackmail and guilt tripping you, your DH and PIL’s.

If they start their 💩 at the table calmly ask them when did they help you out with your kids.Repeat like broken record as they will come with all sort of excuses.

You’re under no obligation.

Stand your ground.

People pleasing won’t take you anywhere (speaking from experience)

Is this usual @Aprilmaymum or has this been set up with a motive of 'persuading' you to play nicely??

Hopefully @Aprilmaymum they have realised you were being taken for granted and are trying to keep family on track in a new world where you are not expected to sweep up the childcare issues....

Mmmmm I would go with a plan that completely puts an end to any further requests.

I know you shouldn't have to lie but could you say that you are gong to have to start going to the office or something that means you can't do it in future? Talk a lot about your workload and that your DC are doing various things so it just does not work, or of course just don't engage, there really isn't any need for a discussion past 'no, that doesn't work for us',

That would be my guess in the circumstances.

Could your DH ring the inlaws and ask directly, "What is this in aid of?" before you commit to attending.

I'd decline. Why allow them to gang up on you? Say you already have plans and let them squirm.

I'd swerve this event - people this entitled, don't just stop and there's no hard feelings. This is likely to be an attempt to pressure you into taking on their childcare in a setting designed to make you feel awkward if you say no.

Two films always come to mind -Space Odessey and Labyrinth.

"I'm sorry I can't do that."
"You have no power over me."

Just remember it's your life with your kids. You are not being selfish or mean by being reasonable. I'm sure the "mean aunty" who "does nothing all day" cards will be played. But just smile serenely and remember the two movie quotes above. Mention their cousins won't be there to play with as they'll be in Holiday Clubs. Mention that you could take them to the supermarket when you go shopping but they'd probably be very bored. If SIL thinks this is a great idea then you'll know it's nothing to do with family time and everything to do with free childcare.

I'm also interested how you all fit in one car too...

This meeting sounds suss. If it were me, I’d be tempted to say, “I’d love to get together—sounds great! However, our diaries are really full for the next few weeks. Is everyone free on either 7 or 14 September? Can’t wait to catch up!” Move the goalposts to after the summer holidays. Don’t allow them to circle in and gang up on you.

After everything you have told us on this thread, I did have a laugh a bit that it is "the lunch" that could be the thing that is outing 😂

I think that ship has sailed!!

Hmmm. I suggest discovering you're sadly too busy or too unwell to go to lunch at the weekend.

Ooops OP,looks like you’re being summoned.

How dare you not toe the line and help the faaaamily- the distant one at the expense of your kids?

Be wary 🙂

Not just the word “No”, OP. Think about turning the tables to highlight what has really happened here.

Something more along the lines of: “Looking after the 6 kids all together is just no fun for me. I gave you that list of holiday clubs months ago so you wouldn’t have to make this my problem.”

It is 100% guaranteed that your not babysitting will come up in some way. Probably lots of solicitous questions of your SIL re how she’s coping, she replying about how tough and stressful it is and how great it would be for cousins to spend time together over the holidays, all just waiting for you to say something out of guilt. So transparent.

Honestly? I wouldn’t go. They want to strong arm you. It’s awful. Send DH and the kids, have a nice “afternoon” to yourself. This is unacceptable pressure. I wouldn’t play along. What a waste of my time it would be.

You're being summonsed. Go if you like, but be prepared to be put on the spot and have your week fully booked with absolutely no space for childcare.

I would personally dial down the volume on the inlaws for a bit, at least until the holidays are over, but please keep us updated if you do go.