To not want children

[aneldermillenial]

Okay, here's the haps: we are 32 & 37 (DH) and married for 4 years.

DH says he wants children and while not explicitly against this, I can't help but feel he doesn't consider this more than 'monkey see, monkey do' - he's one of 5 siblings and the last to have children.

I, on the other hand, think a lot more deeply about it. Here's my thoughts

• i am and enjoy being athletic and competing and know this will take a considerable toll on my body and take my out of competition for a long time
• I'm small - will I be okay? What if something goes wrong and I tear or lose bloody or worse? What if I die?
• I have previously had bad MH, mainly chronic and acute anxiety (sertraline and propranolol) and worry about PP
• I enjoy my career, I earn ~2.5x DH salary and don't love the idea of taking mat leave. I like to give 100% into anything I do, I don't do things by halves, and wonder how I would balance this as I'd need to go back to work
• Our nearest family is 4 hours away so I guess we'd have to spend a lot on childcare and as I'm a type A and feel more secure when I can control a situation feel that I wouldn't love the amount of time in childcare DC would be spending
• Honestly, I like my life as it is and I am so grateful for it (it wasn't always like this). I know it will irreversibly change (as it should) and what if I hate it - I've seen people say they love their DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if they could go back they wouldn't have them... what if that's me? It's not like you can say oh no actually didn't like that and drop your child off at a rescue centre
• I know people say "you're never really ready" and I agree with that mentally and emotionally but I do think you can be more ready practically and financially?
• Does anyone else feel like having DC with people is the ultimate commitment? You buy a house or get married, sure, but if it doesn't work out you never see them again. I've friends who have had DC and broken up, gone on to marry and have DC with others but will always see that person now as long as they live. Kid graduates uni? See your ex. Kid gets married? Top table with your ex. Grandkid born? Bump into your ex at the hospital. I love DH and don't plan on leaving but I can only be responsible for me. I rabbit hole on this sometimes.
• And you can't just have one, I mean you can, I am an only child but I wouldn't want to just have one so you just have to go through all the above again? What?

Anyway, that's just it. I don't think DH considers this beyond envisioning himself chucking a toddler in the air or chucking a ball around. I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

Tbh you just don’t sound like you want one. Thats reason enough imo.

You don't really sound like you want children which is absolutely fine, but you need to see where he stands. If he isn't too bothered that's fine, but if he really does want them then I'm not sure.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids though, I envy your life a bit lol

I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

I agree with that 😂. Seriously though, don’t have children because someone else wants them or because you’re told you should. You have time to think about it, but you should be fair to your DH and let him know if you’ve decided no, don’t keep him hanging on for years.

You're not wrong. (Well, it's extremely unlikely that you would die, but apart from that.) All men have to do is ejaculate and maybe spend five minutes playing with the baby every once in a while to be a Great Dad. The proposition for a woman is very, very different. And really having children is all practical disadvantage, plus a colossal risk and a huge submersion of self for a woman. The only thing that makes it bearable and worth doing is really wanting a child. You don't seem like you have that want, so... don't do it.

That said - if your DH wants kids, he wants them. Don't focus on trying to argue him out of his desire, shortsighted and surface level as it may be. Categorically do not have children you don't want "for him", but if you don't want them and he definitely does, you will need to face the fact that that probably means the end of your marriage.

You are absolutely correct that having a child is the ultimate commitment. You can’t ever really separate from your spouse like you can with a childless marriage.

you don’t need a reason to not have a child beyond you don’t want to be a parent. However, it sounds like your husband entered your marriage likely believing the two of you were going to procreate. If you are not, you need to give him the option to exit the marriage and you need to do it soon.

Did you not ever discuss before you got married?

You've hit the nail on the head.

If you don't want children that's ok. You have to be pretty flexible and accommodating with children, whether thats willingly or unwillingly and you sound like you are completely happy and set in your routine - again that's completely fine.

But you are in a relationship and this is a discussion for you and husband to have. It's probably just the wrong turn of phrase but saying "monkey see monkey do" sounds a bit like you are dismissing his feelings on the subject.

I agree it's a discussion for both of you to have but, realistically, it's going to change your life far more than his.

We had the children discussion before our wedding so I hope you come to a mutual agreement.

I mean some will say they are all legit reasons to not want children. Some will say they are crap. No one is right, no one is wrong!

I’ve always admired people who just knew/know, that children are a must. At any cost, to their finances, body, relationship and all that other stuff. I’m not like that, so can sympathise with your thoughts. Perhaps you might be persuaded by your husband, or any future desire to have children will supersede any of the reasons you list above. Or maybe you will stay with your current thoughts. As long as you are at peace with your decision.

Your husband needs to understand your perspective, you need to understand his. If you can’t come to a resolution you are both happy with, then that’s another thing entirely.

It's ok to not want to have kids.

There's nothing in life that's anything like having children. It is so completely irreversible. You might move house and decide you actually don't like your new house or start a career and realise it's not for you. But those are changeable. Most things you get to pick the ones you want, but children are luck, you get what you're given.

I don't regret my children, but I very definitely wanted to have some. I'm a bit sad about the permanent physical damage done by birth, but not enough to wish I didn't have them.

I genuinely think if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

If the roles were reversed the human race would be over in a generation - or two at the most.

It's perfectly OK not to want children. In fact, it's more than that - it's GOOD - so many people sort of sleepwalk into it, and if you've given it some thought and aren't keen, good on you. Far better that than to "see how it goes" and end up losing a career you value for children you're not sure you want.

My very best friend chose a child free life; I chose three children. We both made absolutely the right decisions and support each other.

Why the hell didn't you discuss this before you got married?

Surely this is the most basic thing to agree before you commit to someone for life?

These are great reasons not to have any. Stick with that decision!

There's 2 separate things really:

Is it okay to not want children?

Of course it is! Doesn't have to be any reason either, just not wanting them is enough let alone when you have other concerns.

If the other person does want a child though then it's something to discuss for sure- you shouldn't feel pressured into it if you don't want them, but also should be open and honest so he can decide what he wants- even if that might be finding someone else which is sad but fair enough.

If my husband to be didn't want children I wouldn't have married him.

You’ve given the matter a great deal of thought , and arrived at a conclusion you’re happy with, so you’re at peace with yourself. I think many will agree with your reasons. As your husband doesn’t feel the same way, do you think you have a future with him? How does he feel about your reasons for not having children?

My sister is 4ft11 and just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She had a normal pregnancy.

If you are very happy as you are, definitely don’t have a baby. It changes everything about everything. Your relationship with your partner, your body, your schedule, your relationship with your friends…everything changes. It gets a bit easier around 5+ years in when they go to school, but the teen years bite you and you are never the “you” of old. Just forget it and embrace everything you love now.

Of course YANBU. You are allowed to make a choice. Approx 20% of women do not have children. You'll have a great life without them.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children.

And before anyone says "Well why are you on MUMSnet then?" there's a whole board for childfree MNers here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

If you don’t want them, don’t have them. I’ve never wanted kids. I’m early 40’s and I have a lovely life, doing mainly as I please, with my DH and beautiful dog.
Couldn’t be happier with my life!

You don't want to be a mum. That is fine. You don't have to justify yourself. (and none of your reasons do that anyway)

He does want a child, and it is belittling his feelings to say this is "monkey see monkey do". He wants one. He doesn't have to justify his feelings either.

You are fundamentally incompatible, and I am not sure how you got together or why. This is fairly basic.

Separate straight away, so he can find partner that shares his aspirations, and you can carry on enjoying your childless life without ruining anyone elses