Page 6 | To not want children

Slotis · 04/08/2024 09:44

Do not have children if you don’t want them.

They can also have problems which can be hard work. They can absolutely ruin relationships if you don’t use a close family support network and they cost an absolute fortune.

You have to really want them for the negatives to be worthwhile.

However, you need to tell your DH soon as he then has a decision to make.

StaringAtTheWater · 04/08/2024 09:56

I think you need to come to a decision and tell him. Throwing the question back at him 'why do you want kids?' just isn't fair. If it was based on rational arguments none of us would have kids!

It sounds like you're 80% sure you don't want kids, and that's okay. And it's okay to change your mind, but you have to let him know, so he can make a decision based on the new information. What's not okay is stringing him along indefinitely.

PinkPolkadotFlamingo · 04/08/2024 10:29

@aneldermillenial I would be interested to know why you feel you have to have 2 kids? I could have written most of your list, and it's the reason I am one and done. I knew I wouldn't enjoy the toll on my body and the baby and toddler phase, so only having to do it once was the only way I would contemplate it.

My child is 2.5 now and sleeps through the night. I am back to my long distance running, and while life is different, it feels far closer to my pre-child life than the first 18 months did. It's also gone pretty quickly.

user1492757084 · 04/08/2024 10:44

Icepearl · 03/08/2024 21:52

You don't want to be a mum. That is fine. You don't have to justify yourself. (and none of your reasons do that anyway)

He does want a child, and it is belittling his feelings to say this is "monkey see monkey do". He wants one. He doesn't have to justify his feelings either.

You are fundamentally incompatible, and I am not sure how you got together or why. This is fairly basic.

Separate straight away, so he can find partner that shares his aspirations, and you can carry on enjoying your childless life without ruining anyone elses

This. In reality you are both running out of time to have a child.

It is a pity that you didn't discuss children before committing to marriage. Cut him loose to find a woman who loves him and wants children.

Scirocco · 04/08/2024 11:10

user1492757084 · 04/08/2024 10:44

This. In reality you are both running out of time to have a child.

It is a pity that you didn't discuss children before committing to marriage. Cut him loose to find a woman who loves him and wants children.

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At 32, the OP isn't exactly running out of time - she likely has years ahead of her in which she could have a child if she changes her mind.

If she wants to have a contingency plan, she could look into egg freezing too.

singleandfree · 04/08/2024 11:19

I was one and done raised him my self i had him when i was young and now hes 21 im still in my 30s and i have all my freedom back.
Dont have kids if you dont want them its not easy its the hardest job in the world.

BruFord · 04/08/2024 15:31

Scirocco · 04/08/2024 11:10

At 32, the OP isn't exactly running out of time - she likely has years ahead of her in which she could have a child if she changes her mind.

If she wants to have a contingency plan, she could look into egg freezing too.

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@Scirocco Yes, the OP has time on her side. But, she still needs to share her concerns and doubts with her DH now. Perhaps it’ll give him a kick up the pants and he’ll demonstrate to her that he’ll pull his weight and be an involved Dad. Or perhaps they’ll have to reconsider their relationship.

Whatever happens, best to be honest about her feelings.

singleandfree · 04/08/2024 16:11

i couldent find one thing i would like about parenting.

Scirocco · 04/08/2024 16:12

BruFord · 04/08/2024 15:31

@Scirocco Yes, the OP has time on her side. But, she still needs to share her concerns and doubts with her DH now. Perhaps it’ll give him a kick up the pants and he’ll demonstrate to her that he’ll pull his weight and be an involved Dad. Or perhaps they’ll have to reconsider their relationship.

Whatever happens, best to be honest about her feelings.

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Of course. I was responding to a poster's claim that the OP is running out of time. When she's only 32.

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 04/08/2024 16:18

Odd to just be talking about this now.

Why would it be unreasonable to not want kids?

Unreasonable to marry someone with different future plans to you, yeah. But not unreasonable to not want kids.

Firefly1987 · 04/08/2024 19:20

LameBorzoi · 04/08/2024 06:14

Exactly.

If the roles were reversed, everyone would be calling him a future faker - and they'd be right.

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Not really the same since women only have a certain amount of time to have children whereas men can father kids whenever they want. Also how come if someone decides they want to have kids after years of saying they don't they're just told "it's perfectly ok to change your mind"???!!!

SuperBatFace · 04/08/2024 20:06

It's great to be cautious and really think about this but by the same token, you sound a little like you're straying into overthinking territory

He's not in a court of law dealing with absolute facts, so I doubt he can properly articulate to your complete satisfaction why he wants children.

RishiIsACuntWaffle · 04/08/2024 20:09

aneldermillenial · 03/08/2024 21:15

Okay, here's the haps: we are 32 & 37 (DH) and married for 4 years.

DH says he wants children and while not explicitly against this, I can't help but feel he doesn't consider this more than 'monkey see, monkey do' - he's one of 5 siblings and the last to have children.

I, on the other hand, think a lot more deeply about it. Here's my thoughts

• i am and enjoy being athletic and competing and know this will take a considerable toll on my body and take my out of competition for a long time
• I'm small - will I be okay? What if something goes wrong and I tear or lose bloody or worse? What if I die?
• I have previously had bad MH, mainly chronic and acute anxiety (sertraline and propranolol) and worry about PP
• I enjoy my career, I earn ~2.5x DH salary and don't love the idea of taking mat leave. I like to give 100% into anything I do, I don't do things by halves, and wonder how I would balance this as I'd need to go back to work
• Our nearest family is 4 hours away so I guess we'd have to spend a lot on childcare and as I'm a type A and feel more secure when I can control a situation feel that I wouldn't love the amount of time in childcare DC would be spending
• Honestly, I like my life as it is and I am so grateful for it (it wasn't always like this). I know it will irreversibly change (as it should) and what if I hate it - I've seen people say they love their DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if they could go back they wouldn't have them... what if that's me? It's not like you can say oh no actually didn't like that and drop your child off at a rescue centre
• I know people say "you're never really ready" and I agree with that mentally and emotionally but I do think you can be more ready practically and financially?
• Does anyone else feel like having DC with people is the ultimate commitment? You buy a house or get married, sure, but if it doesn't work out you never see them again. I've friends who have had DC and broken up, gone on to marry and have DC with others but will always see that person now as long as they live. Kid graduates uni? See your ex. Kid gets married? Top table with your ex. Grandkid born? Bump into your ex at the hospital. I love DH and don't plan on leaving but I can only be responsible for me. I rabbit hole on this sometimes.
• And you can't just have one, I mean you can, I am an only child but I wouldn't want to just have one so you just have to go through all the above again? What?

Anyway, that's just it. I don't think DH considers this beyond envisioning himself chucking a toddler in the air or chucking a ball around. I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

Didn't you discuss this before getting married?

BabySnarkDoDoo · 04/08/2024 20:19

SuperBatFace · 04/08/2024 20:06

It's great to be cautious and really think about this but by the same token, you sound a little like you're straying into overthinking territory

He's not in a court of law dealing with absolute facts, so I doubt he can properly articulate to your complete satisfaction why he wants children.

OP sounds perfectly sensible given she's the bread winner and he's admittedly not a morning person and isn't pulling his weight with a lot of the adulting at present. If he wants children but doesn't have plans to advance his career to help outsource help or even think for a moment to suggest how the practicalities of the day to day of childcare would work, why would she go along with having them?

JudgeBurrito · 04/08/2024 21:35

RishiIsACuntWaffle · 04/08/2024 20:09

Didn't you discuss this before getting married?

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Didn't you RTFT..?

RishiIsACuntWaffle · 04/08/2024 21:37

JudgeBurrito · 04/08/2024 21:35

Didn't you RTFT..?

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I read some of the first page. Imagine if this was reversed and a man changed his mind four years into marriage.

IceCream889 · 04/08/2024 21:49

PinkPolkadotFlamingo · 04/08/2024 10:29

@aneldermillenial I would be interested to know why you feel you have to have 2 kids? I could have written most of your list, and it's the reason I am one and done. I knew I wouldn't enjoy the toll on my body and the baby and toddler phase, so only having to do it once was the only way I would contemplate it.

My child is 2.5 now and sleeps through the night. I am back to my long distance running, and while life is different, it feels far closer to my pre-child life than the first 18 months did. It's also gone pretty quickly.

OP says she is an only child. I am also an only child and, honestly, it's a bit shit. Growing up was fine but as an adult, it's shit. Being the whole focus of the family, the only one to bear all the worries about elderly parents, the grief when my mum was ill, the knowledge that once my parents die, that is it, I will have zero family. Even if I had a sibling who is a bit shit and unreliable, I'd prefer that. I will do everything I can to give my son a sibling.

Holidayhell22 · 05/08/2024 19:30

A woman deciding to remain childfree is not comparable at all to a man.
Men do not damage their bodies by giving birth.
They very rarely take the career hit.
They just don’t do the majority of the grunt work.
I can also agree about being an only one. The pressure to be there for elderly parents is shared by nobody else. Nobody else to grieve with. Nobody to share responsibility. It isn’t good.

BruFord · 05/08/2024 21:33

Holidayhell22 · 05/08/2024 19:30

A woman deciding to remain childfree is not comparable at all to a man.
Men do not damage their bodies by giving birth.
They very rarely take the career hit.
They just don’t do the majority of the grunt work.
I can also agree about being an only one. The pressure to be there for elderly parents is shared by nobody else. Nobody else to grieve with. Nobody to share responsibility. It isn’t good.

@Holidayhell22 Yes, I think being an only child myself was a factor for me wanting to create my own family-because I knew there wouldn’t be anyone once my parents had gone. One of my friends who’s an only has three children!

My DH is from a large family and he’s the only sibling who decided to have chikdren. They all have each other and I don’t think they feel the need for anyone else!