To not want children

[aneldermillenial]

Okay, here's the haps: we are 32 & 37 (DH) and married for 4 years.

DH says he wants children and while not explicitly against this, I can't help but feel he doesn't consider this more than 'monkey see, monkey do' - he's one of 5 siblings and the last to have children.

I, on the other hand, think a lot more deeply about it. Here's my thoughts

• i am and enjoy being athletic and competing and know this will take a considerable toll on my body and take my out of competition for a long time
• I'm small - will I be okay? What if something goes wrong and I tear or lose bloody or worse? What if I die?
• I have previously had bad MH, mainly chronic and acute anxiety (sertraline and propranolol) and worry about PP
• I enjoy my career, I earn ~2.5x DH salary and don't love the idea of taking mat leave. I like to give 100% into anything I do, I don't do things by halves, and wonder how I would balance this as I'd need to go back to work
• Our nearest family is 4 hours away so I guess we'd have to spend a lot on childcare and as I'm a type A and feel more secure when I can control a situation feel that I wouldn't love the amount of time in childcare DC would be spending
• Honestly, I like my life as it is and I am so grateful for it (it wasn't always like this). I know it will irreversibly change (as it should) and what if I hate it - I've seen people say they love their DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if they could go back they wouldn't have them... what if that's me? It's not like you can say oh no actually didn't like that and drop your child off at a rescue centre
• I know people say "you're never really ready" and I agree with that mentally and emotionally but I do think you can be more ready practically and financially?
• Does anyone else feel like having DC with people is the ultimate commitment? You buy a house or get married, sure, but if it doesn't work out you never see them again. I've friends who have had DC and broken up, gone on to marry and have DC with others but will always see that person now as long as they live. Kid graduates uni? See your ex. Kid gets married? Top table with your ex. Grandkid born? Bump into your ex at the hospital. I love DH and don't plan on leaving but I can only be responsible for me. I rabbit hole on this sometimes.
• And you can't just have one, I mean you can, I am an only child but I wouldn't want to just have one so you just have to go through all the above again? What?

Anyway, that's just it. I don't think DH considers this beyond envisioning himself chucking a toddler in the air or chucking a ball around. I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

I absolutely adore my DD and usually on these threads I say "have children!!! It's great" but something about your writing made me pause.

I think it was "I throw myself into everything I do" I'm the same, Type A, and the hardest thing I've found about having a child is not being as amazing at my high profile job as childless colleagues because I leave earlier to prioritise time with DC.

I also HATE DC being in childcare because I similarly want to throw everything into being a mum.

There's no perfect answer, but that is something to consider. You can't do both full time - there literally isn't the hours, so if you're type A you can end up feeling like a failure

PS - for me tho, the positives still vastly outweigh the negatives

So many men say they want kids but are missing in action when the baby actually arrives. It's incredibly common and you won't know whether your DH will be like this until the baby arrives and it's "no returns". Unless you yourself want kids enough that you're prepared to do it on your own, it's not a risk worth taking.

And often resentment at this sort of behaviour ends relationships anyway. So if you'd consider having a baby simply to preserve your relationship with your DH, you may find that actually you can't stand the sight of him a year into it and you're on these boards asking for advice to get rid of him.

We see this all the time here with the roles reversed.

If he wants kids, he wants them. It's not logical, and not something that can be justified.

If you don't want kids, you don't want them.

However, if you have differing feelings on this, you may not be compatible. You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. He doesn't have the same biological deadline that a woman has, but you still shouldn't stuff him around.

Just don't have one, it's perfectly normal. Most only do because they think they should.

There's being broody and being realistic about whether you are willing and can offer another human everything they need to become a rounded functioning adult. I feel like the argument is more nuanced. I've been broody in the sense that babies are cute and I'm curious about what my own potential future offspring could look and be like. I've always been open to discussing the possibility to having children if it was ever a dealbreaker to my partner and they were prepared to care for our child 50/50. I'm happy with my current long term partner and the having kids conversation went along the lines of yes he wants kids and we should do it, but basically would want me to quit work to be a SAHM as he wouldn't want to put them in daycare. That's not something I would want do and he ended the discussion with 'well men are largely indifferent to having children anyway'. He's free to leave any time he wants if having kids ever becomes a dealbreaker for him and I would wish him well.

If OP's husband is absolutely set on having children and the OP isn't then obviously they should break up. I'm not seeing any mention of him saying he wants to break up over not having kids? I do think it would be foolish of OP not to further explore how serious he is about the reality of having them v what he feels he 'should' be doing rather than just going ahead and doing it. Imo bringing another life into the world isn't a decision to take lightly and just on the basis of a biological urge.

The only good reason to try for a baby is because you really want to love, nurture and care for one right through to adulthood, are reasonably set up to do so and have faith in yourself and determination that you will do your best to cope with whatever comes your way.
It’s no joke going through pregnancy, birth and trying to parent with pre existent mh problems like anxiety. If you actually want to try for a baby, I’d book an appointment with your GP to discuss this with them first.

and yes, we did discuss this before we married, owing in large part to the fact that we are not idiots. I also assumed we’d have children because it’s what you do

It feels like you've led him up the garden path a bit here.

People can change their minds over a period of 4+ years. Even people who are absolutely certain they wanted DC. It’s patronising to say it’s a shame she didn’t think it through more carefully when she has already stated they discussed it. Sometimes the realities of bringing DC into the world don’t fully hit you until it’s actually time to do it.

Nothing OP has said indicates that she deliberately deceived her DH.

Please don’t try for a baby to appease your husband. It’s fine not to want kids, but nothing will doom your marriage quicker if you are not both on the same page.

No, but they had the conversation, so he's gone into the marriage thinking she's fully on board with having children only for it to turn out she hadn't thought it through.

Nobody has to have children! You can do whatever you want with your life. It’s your choice, and you don’t even have to have rational or “good” reasons - whatever you feel is a valid feeling.

BUT some of your reasons are a bit sad/concerning.

You can have children and keep your fitness. Yes it will make a change for a while, but your body won’t be the same forever anyway and having kids is also an amazing thing it can do. If the anxiety is purely or centrally about looks, that’s a problematic way of thinking to address whether you have kids or not.

You can enjoy and prioritise your job (I do, I worked hard to get it and like you am the higher earner!) but it will never love you back and nobody wishes they’d worked more on their deathbed.

Hypothetical regrets are a terrible way of making decisions. You could regret any decision you do or don’t make.

Anxieties about control around childcare suggest you’d benefit from some addressing your worrying and the need for control whether or not you have kids.

While “liking your life as it is” is a totally valid reason to avoid major changes, changes will happen whether you like them or not and liking your life this was doesn’t mean you’d not like other things.

If you don’t want to, just don’t. These things don’t need to be rationalised. There’s no right or wrong decision.

He prides himself on his childlike-ness whereas I'm definitely more reserved and tend to take the responsibility to run the house, do the shopping, book the holidays, make appointments, send gifts to the family etc.

Why do you do this?

How is your husband proposing parenthood will work, will he gladly take up to a yr of parental leave? Will he be first point of call with the school, will he sort out childminding, babysitting and Dr's appts?

I went into marriage absolutely certain I wanted to have children. I’d wanted to be a mum since the age of 5. More than 30 years later I’ve done a complete u-turn on that and now don’t want children. Luckily in my case my DH has also changed his mind. We re-evaluated and decided we’re happy as we are.

Neither of us went into the marriage with the idea of stringing the other along and we definitely had lengthy discussions about children before hand. Changing your mind doesn’t mean you didn’t think it through in the first place.

This. No-one should enter into a marriage, or serious long-term relationshiip, without discussing it. I was certain I didn't want children, and knew I wouldn't change my mind.

There’s nothing on the list of objections that wouldn’t have been apparent to an adult of 28.

The time to consider the reality of DC is before you make a lifelong commitment to a partner who wants a family.

If you don't want to have a child/children, that's enough of a reason right there. This is a situation where both people need to be in agreement or it doesn't happen.

This could be a big challenge for your marriage, so you might find it helpful to talk it through either on here or with an independent person in real life. For example, are there any circumstances in which you would reach a different decision - what would need to change for you and how realistic is that? That way, you can go into any discussion with your husband secure in your own position.

Nothing OP has said indicates that she did think it through in the first place.

She has said they did discuss it.

At which point she "assumed we’d have children because it’s what you do".

I think you just don’t want children and that’s fine. But the fact that you generally think more deeply than your husband about big things like he’s and idiot makes you sound like a cunt.

I can’t answer for OP but some of our reasons are similar to hers, mainly we’re happy as we are and children will change things significantly. We didn’t know we were going to feel like this now about those reasons when we were in that place of wanting children. But our thoughts and feelings on the matter have changed. We were very aware of the realities of having kids and those were things we were willing to give up/compromise on. Now they’re not. We did think it through thoroughly at the time though and thought that’s what we really wanted.

You're thinking very short term. The baby stage, mat leave, sleepless nights etc all last a very, very short time. And, speaking from experience as a higher earner, you can throw a LOT of money at the problems. And it makes a massive difference.

Personally, I didn't just want a baby. I want a child/teenager/grown child, I want to see them grow, help them find their way in the world, I want a family.

If you don't want kids, that's fine. Don't have them. But think long term. That would however imply choosing your partner carefully. I left my exH when I realised he would be a useless twat who would leave everything to me so he can do the fun stuff. So I went out and found a much better man.

If your DH married you thinking that you were open to the idea of having children, you have misled him. You really shouldn't have children that you don't want though, 'just because' but you need to be honest with the man and let him decide how he moves forward from this.

I didn't want children in my 20s but something changed when I turned 30, and then I had fertility issues for years, but eventually managed to have 3 children. I am not naturally maternal and I am not a huge fan of children, but I adore my own, and they are the best things I have ever done in my life.

OP, I think there’s a lot of great advice on here. I feel I could have written your list pre-baby. I got broody in my late 30s. Now I am running after a toddler. For me, this little person is the best part of my day.