To not want children

[aneldermillenial]

Okay, here's the haps: we are 32 & 37 (DH) and married for 4 years.

DH says he wants children and while not explicitly against this, I can't help but feel he doesn't consider this more than 'monkey see, monkey do' - he's one of 5 siblings and the last to have children.

I, on the other hand, think a lot more deeply about it. Here's my thoughts

• i am and enjoy being athletic and competing and know this will take a considerable toll on my body and take my out of competition for a long time
• I'm small - will I be okay? What if something goes wrong and I tear or lose bloody or worse? What if I die?
• I have previously had bad MH, mainly chronic and acute anxiety (sertraline and propranolol) and worry about PP
• I enjoy my career, I earn ~2.5x DH salary and don't love the idea of taking mat leave. I like to give 100% into anything I do, I don't do things by halves, and wonder how I would balance this as I'd need to go back to work
• Our nearest family is 4 hours away so I guess we'd have to spend a lot on childcare and as I'm a type A and feel more secure when I can control a situation feel that I wouldn't love the amount of time in childcare DC would be spending
• Honestly, I like my life as it is and I am so grateful for it (it wasn't always like this). I know it will irreversibly change (as it should) and what if I hate it - I've seen people say they love their DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if they could go back they wouldn't have them... what if that's me? It's not like you can say oh no actually didn't like that and drop your child off at a rescue centre
• I know people say "you're never really ready" and I agree with that mentally and emotionally but I do think you can be more ready practically and financially?
• Does anyone else feel like having DC with people is the ultimate commitment? You buy a house or get married, sure, but if it doesn't work out you never see them again. I've friends who have had DC and broken up, gone on to marry and have DC with others but will always see that person now as long as they live. Kid graduates uni? See your ex. Kid gets married? Top table with your ex. Grandkid born? Bump into your ex at the hospital. I love DH and don't plan on leaving but I can only be responsible for me. I rabbit hole on this sometimes.
• And you can't just have one, I mean you can, I am an only child but I wouldn't want to just have one so you just have to go through all the above again? What?

Anyway, that's just it. I don't think DH considers this beyond envisioning himself chucking a toddler in the air or chucking a ball around. I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

You don’t have to want children. That’s fine. It really isn’t for everyone. You need to live the life that’s true to you.

BUT you can’t future fake someone. If DH does want to become a dad then you need to let him go whilst he’s still young enough to have them with someone else. He deserves to live a life that’s true to him.

One of your reasons around not wanting them was about the lifelong attachment to the other parent regardless of whether the relationship ends. Yep. This is absolutely true but also a concern I wouldn’t expect someone already married to have. Surely you have spoken about what your future together looks like before getting married? Kids and the decision of whether or not to have them is a massive thing when you decide to marry someone.

It's absolutely fine if you don't want children. It doesn't necessarily mean he hasn't thought about it though- he just might have more pros than cons which is also fine.

He may choose to leave so he can find someone who wants kids.

You are absolutely entitled not to want children, but you are not entitled to think that this is because you have thought more deeply about it than your husband. Describing his feelings as monkey see monkey do is not very nice.

You need to really question him on what he thinks you both having a baby will look like. Put to him that it makes sense for you to have a short ML and he go part time. That means night feeds, the whole lot. You don't sound as though you want one, so don't go ahead. You really need to discuss what would happen if you were hit hard by PND and he had to fully step up as a lone parent to a newborn.

I am sorry, I should add when DH says nonchalantly “we should have kids” and I say “okay, why do you want kids?” It’s just -shrug- “just want them” and I’m saying sure but here’s what’s in my mind can we discuss that but we can’t really go beyond “yeah but I want them”

they aren’t chocolate bars 😂

and yes, we did discuss this before we married, owing in large part to the fact that we are not idiots. I also assumed we’d have children because it’s what you do but here we are with a nice and comfy life in our 30s and no family nearby to support us and I am thinking idk if this is a good choice for us and it’s a pretty flipping big, irreversible one if it’s “wrong” (I know no child is wrong, I’m not a monster).

You are not being unreasonable to not want children, definitely not, but you are v unreasonable to dismiss your DH's own feelings as unserious or just a matter of following the crowd, you can't just assume he's not thought deeply about it just because you feel differently to him. You need to have a serious conversation because at the moment you're on totally different pages and whilst I don't want to be melodramatic, if one of you doesn't change their stance your only way forward will be to separate.

Yeah, that was kind of unfair.

OP you're entitled to not want children for whatever reason or for no reason at all. It's not for everybody. But conversely, your husband is entitled to want them. This isn't really a situation where there's a compromise to be had. You're going to have to have a frank discussion about whether this is a deal breaker.

Wanting kids because you just want them is a valid viewpoint. That's pretty much how I felt about it before I had them - I just knew it was what I wanted in life. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel it deeply.

X post, how is he with no sleep, having no control over situations, does he step up when you are ill? Does he fully pull his weight?

YANBU to not want children but you were unreasonable not to tell your DH this before he committed to spending the rest of his life with you.

This. Not wanting children is an absolutely valid choice, but it doesn’t make you a more profound thinker than someone who does, and thinking it does makes you sound very dismissive of your husband. You don’t need reasons about earnings of pelvis size. You can just not want to.

But you need to be honest with him, so that he can end the relationship and have a child with someone else.

He does struggle/get frustrated with lack of sleep, particularly early mornings as he likes to lie in as long as possible.

We have a running joke that he could never put "deals well under stress" on his CV because it really affects him negatively.

He's very patient, smart and enthusiastic, like a big kid a lot of the time. He prides himself on his childlike-ness whereas I'm definitely more reserved and tend to take the responsibility to run the house, do the shopping, book the holidays, make appointments, send gifts to the family etc.

My mum got seriously ill a while back and seeing that happen, I thought about what that would look like in our relationship and I did think if that ever happened I hoped I wouldn't be the one to get ill not because I'm selfish, but because I know be the much better carer. My brain just works in a more organised, forthright way.

I guess I'm more practical and he's the creative hence the "we should just have kids" approach vs my "well here's a list of 10 things about having kids we need to consider" and his "yeah but we'd be good at it, what would we call them?" and my "I don't know how we'd support these fictitious children let alone name them right now"

You don't want kids and that's fine but your assessment of your DH's reasons isn't fair. Most people decide they want kids because it's a powerful biological and hormonal urge. So he won't necessarily be able to explain why but that doesn't mean his reasoning isn't strong. You don't sound compatible in this area sadly.

I think some of your worries are overthinking a bit but they are your reasons for not wanting children so are valid for you. Having children is a lifelong commitment and involves putting their needs before your own for many years. Even when they're all fully grown, you never stop worrying about them - their happiness matters to you more than your own. If you don't really want children, you shouldn't have them. If your husband decides that he really does want them, he may leave so that he can meet someone who wants that too. So you should probably be prepared for that.

as lovely as the idea is, personally i dont have any plans for kids,

No wonder you don't want to carry an actual baby; you already have a (man)child.

YANBU, it's ok people telling you you should have told him you don't want to have them before marrying, but likewise if he's never mentioned wanting to have them, then that's equally on him. Unless you've lied to him and done a complete 180 from saying you definitely wanted kids when you got married, I wouldn't assume having kids is a given. From what you've posted, it sounds like he wants the fun parts of parenting without doing the hard graft. My DH would love the idea of having kids for the fun parts (wouldn't we all) but I've known him for over a decade and know he likes to be a lazy bugger, so I'd be stuck doing all the not so fun parts and resenting him for it. Plenty of women fall into having kids thinking it will be the making of their husbands and end up disappointed when they don't step up.

Well it’s easy for a man to just want them isn’t it?
However look at the facts. It is virtually always the woman who takes the hit.
It does not damage a man’s body yet it absolutely can damage a woman’s, prolapse anyone?
The reality is no matter how much a man says he will do the parenting, he will get up every night with the baby, he will look after the baby whilst you go out, he will do the feeding, the nappy changes etc etc in reality it is mostly left to the woman.
How many men sacrifice their own career?
How many men reduce their hours? How many men sacrifice their hobbies and free time? How many men prepare all the bottles, wean their child, do all the potty training, take time off work to look after their sick child? Take time off work to cover school holidays? Do all the prep for holidays/days out/ school trips? Sort birthday parties and all things school related?
Even good husbands do not do the majority of this. It is always left to the woman. The only exceptions are where a mother leaves her children.
It is not the same a man wanting a child. I think it should always be the woman’s decision as she is the one who will suffer pregnancy and childbirth.
If your dh wants children then you will have to lay down your boundaries. If this means he will be the default parent to cover illness etc then he absolutely needs to know this.
From what you have said I would not have a child if I were you. You don’t sound ready and that is perfectly fine.
Whether your dh can accept this is up to him.

I wouldn't have children if I were you either.
Probably need to tell the DH how you feel.
It's fucking hard and 'you' disappear (I'm in the toddler years so hopefully I'll be back some day) if you go into it with strong doubts I imagine you will wake up every morning wondering why you threw your lovely life away. Just me then?

And if I was a bloke I'd happily have loads of kids. Yet they are the ones that moan about it!🤷🏻‍♀️

And also remember divorce isn't massively uncommon, so never have children to keep someone else happy.

Your reasons are similar to me. I have two and I love them and don't regret at all. But I didn't feel complete until I had them. I nearly stopped at one though.

I agree with PPs. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and if you don't want them for any one of those logical reasons, or for no reason at all, no one can say that's wrong.

I felt very much the same as you for a long time, for many of the same reasons. DH was also very keen on the idea of having kids and I was very reluctant and pointing out all the same sort of practical issues.

At 36 curiosity got the better of me and I changed my mind. I decided my comfortable life and career weren't 'enough' anymore, and my strongly held arguments against the idea suddenly no longer seemed that big a deal. I'm not suggesting you will do or feel the same, but for me it wasn't a totally logical decision. Either way, you just want what you want, and it's fine.

You’ve given this some good thought and especially with any support being so far away you’re wise to have concerns. I don’t think deep down (well, actually not so deep) you don’t really want kids and that is perfectly fine. I agree there is something about men saying they want kids but not really being prepared to go all in; just looking for that status of being someone’s father especially after being married for x amount of time.

Just to add I am a mother and I absolutely wanted a baby. Yet it was gruelling at times. Dh did not pull his weight. He struggled. He really wanted a baby but found it extremely hard.
Some babies are easy but there is no guarantee. They all shit, piss, scream and vomit just in varying degrees!