To not want children

[aneldermillenial]

Okay, here's the haps: we are 32 & 37 (DH) and married for 4 years.

DH says he wants children and while not explicitly against this, I can't help but feel he doesn't consider this more than 'monkey see, monkey do' - he's one of 5 siblings and the last to have children.

I, on the other hand, think a lot more deeply about it. Here's my thoughts

• i am and enjoy being athletic and competing and know this will take a considerable toll on my body and take my out of competition for a long time
• I'm small - will I be okay? What if something goes wrong and I tear or lose bloody or worse? What if I die?
• I have previously had bad MH, mainly chronic and acute anxiety (sertraline and propranolol) and worry about PP
• I enjoy my career, I earn ~2.5x DH salary and don't love the idea of taking mat leave. I like to give 100% into anything I do, I don't do things by halves, and wonder how I would balance this as I'd need to go back to work
• Our nearest family is 4 hours away so I guess we'd have to spend a lot on childcare and as I'm a type A and feel more secure when I can control a situation feel that I wouldn't love the amount of time in childcare DC would be spending
• Honestly, I like my life as it is and I am so grateful for it (it wasn't always like this). I know it will irreversibly change (as it should) and what if I hate it - I've seen people say they love their DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if they could go back they wouldn't have them... what if that's me? It's not like you can say oh no actually didn't like that and drop your child off at a rescue centre
• I know people say "you're never really ready" and I agree with that mentally and emotionally but I do think you can be more ready practically and financially?
• Does anyone else feel like having DC with people is the ultimate commitment? You buy a house or get married, sure, but if it doesn't work out you never see them again. I've friends who have had DC and broken up, gone on to marry and have DC with others but will always see that person now as long as they live. Kid graduates uni? See your ex. Kid gets married? Top table with your ex. Grandkid born? Bump into your ex at the hospital. I love DH and don't plan on leaving but I can only be responsible for me. I rabbit hole on this sometimes.
• And you can't just have one, I mean you can, I am an only child but I wouldn't want to just have one so you just have to go through all the above again? What?

Anyway, that's just it. I don't think DH considers this beyond envisioning himself chucking a toddler in the air or chucking a ball around. I genuinely thing if roles were reversed and men had to consider the above there'd be a lot less babies but that's just mho

I don't think the criticism of OP's response to her husband's attitude is fair.

It IS different for men. They don't have to carry a child, they don't have to give birth to it (either vaginally or via major surgery), they won't have the lasting effects on their bodies, they won't be automatically assumed to be the main parent, they won't carry society's expectations of motherhood. They've never had to consider this for themselves and many don't consider what it's like for women.

For men it is easier and many do just like the idea of carrying on their genetic legacy and having all the "fun" bits while someone else does all the heavy lifting and carries the mental load.

Many people - men and women - assume that having children is "just what you do" or a "natural progression". It's just even easier for men.

You obviously don't.

He does, even if you think his reasons pro aren't a match for yours con. ("I'm an intelligent and rational human being. He's a monkey under sibling pressure.")

Tell him that you're not going to change your mind so that he can make an informed decision about staying with you.

Your reasons are all totally valid.

Equally you don't need to have reasons - just not having that desperate biological urge to have them is enough. You don't need to justify not wanting them, you don't, and that's fine. In fact it's very very good to be clear about what you want.

Having kids is only the right decision if you are 100% sure as it turns your whole life upside down and you can't go back.

If you decide you might want to have a child maybe suggest that he takes shared parental leave and takes on the responsibility for arranging childcare. Make it clear that he will be doing the bulk of the childcare and he might change his mind. Find the crankiest baby around to babysit for a few times. Only if you think you might want a child too.

You're awfully logical about all this, are you on hormonal contraception? I just got broody one day and against better judgement had a baby! I couldn't fight the urge with sensible reasoning.

That being said, it is your life that will be turned upside down irrevocably, not his, so you need to want a baby because unless you do things very unconventionally and have a stay at home dad, it'll all be down to you.

I also work with a woman who came back from maternity leave after 3 months. So it is possible if you have a will and means.

Thank you! I am not trying to dismiss his feelings at all. I love and value him and his desires are valid.

However, to say "I just want them" I do feel is convenient because tbh if he was the one to go through pregnancy, sickness, losing out on social, sporting events and more, giving birth and the possibility of complications, if he was the one risking PP MH issues, putting his career on hold, feeling the pressure of motherhood and societal expectations and your own personal expectations you put on yourself all with no family nearby and then becoming the default parent while still doing my normal jobs of running the house and I was the one who had to ejaculate, take my 2 weeks paternity leave then go back to work, yeah I'd probably go for it to be completely honest!

I have a friend who has just ended a relationship because she doesn't want children but he does.

She says she'd happily do the "father" role, but she doesn't want to do the "mother" role. Unfortunately it's become apparent to her that he wants this too, and his vision of children involves kissing them goodnight and taking them to football at the weekend, rather than sleepless nights, career damage and compromise.

If only we could all try before you buy when it comes to parenthood. Unfortunately this is kind of a deal breaker for your marriage. If he desperately wants them enough and you don't then you can't really string the guy along.

By the way you can have kids with a small frame. I'm only 5'4 and managed to get out a 10lb baby without dying. You can also get your fitness back, I'm actually fitter and stronger now with a 5&3 year old than I was pre kids.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting children. More and more women are making that decision than ever, for a number of reasons. I think it's incredibly selfish to have them if you're not sure - and it sounds to me as though you would resent them for taking your old life away from you. I would be exactly the same, so no judgement here.

But the problem lies with your DH, in that, if he's absolutely certain he does want children, he will need to decide whether your decision is a deal breaker. And, if he decides it is, that's absolutely his choice, and you'll have to face potentially losing him from your life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your husband saying that he "just wants one". The want for a child can be profound and ineffable. The closest analogy to someone who has never experienced this, it's like when you have a really intense, teenage crush. You think about the object of your desire all the time, you dream of them and are excited to be with them. It's not necessarily logical, it's hormonal and emotional and you do just WANT them.

It's a shame for you both that you are at odds with each other in terms of what you want. But I would echo other posters and say you need to split, in order to stop resentment either way. Don't try and belittle his feelings though, or argue that he doesn't have a "good reason" for wanting them. He doesn't need one, any more than you need one for not wanting them.

Yes your reasons are valid, it is not an easy decision, I would just like you to give some consideration the long term benifits though.
I have two sons who are older teenagers now and it has been lovely seeing them grow.
There are lots of people you meet through having children and the layers that they add to your life going forwards into the future that are pretty irreplaceable.
it gives you something to fight for I can't explain it and it matures you, just don't write off being a mother because of early years stuff.

Don't breed with this man. He sounds thick.

Yeah almost all men "want to be a dad someday". A lot of them do very little and are shit at what they do do of it. Disney dads.

Keep your body and your good salary and find someone you can have a great life with. Do not swap your interesting life for drudgery you clearly don't want.

If he really wanted them and felt like he'd be profoundly missing out on some crucial part of life by not having them, you'd have thought he'd find a more articulate way of expressing it than 'I just want them'. Surely it would be on your mind so much each day, you'd be lighting up with the excitement of 'I really want to teach future child to do xyz' rather than an 'I dunno, but everyone else is doing it' type response.

Genuinely how does he sound thick.

The ops feelings are perfectly valid and I respect her for exploring her feelings instead of rushing into a lifelong decision headfirst.
However I don't think her dh has in any way done anything wrong here. He is allowed to want kids.

Spot on!

Not fair to call this man thick?
What would make you say that?

I was going to jump in with counter arguments (for example, you could have an elective c section if you are worried about child birth) but then realised you don’t sound as if you want one. It’s a big commitment and not for everyone so don’t have one just to go along with your DH, if you don’t want one don’t have one - wouldn’t be fair.

Unfortunately you are not compatible. There is no way to compromise on this issue and it is not something that a loving person should ask another to do.
It’s a great shame you didn’t think this through more carefully before you got married, but if he was asking I’d be advising him to divorce ASAP and look for a woman that wants to build a family with him.

Good to talk about the positive experiences u have had but that doesn't take away the massive change and impact on your life and relationship that having children has.
I believe OP doesn't want children and that is fine

I am married and childfree, and we're 90% sure we'll stay that way. However, if you discussed it before you got married and you're the one who's changed your mind/moved the goalpost then, while that is your right, it's on you to resolve. And that might mean separating as you're no longer compatible.

I could write pros and cons lists all year long, but ultimately I just don't really want them. I can only assume it's the same (but opposite) for people who do - its just a feeling. So I think you're being unfair to your husband to dismiss what he wants from his life. But you're not being unfair to have a really thorough discussion about what you'd expect from him if you had kids, and that he'd be doing 50% of the care.

This is so dismissive of childfree people. You speak from your own experience - have to considered that the fact you feel it's matured you is merely because you've aged 15 years?! I have a friend my age who has two kids, first when we were late 20s. She seems to think I'm still living the lifestyle we were in our 20s, when I've grown up too.

Have you ever experienced being really broody? Sometimes it's just a feeling. You can list things that would be nice about it, but that's not WHY you want children.

In any case, it doesn't sound like any reason he gives, will change OPs mind.

It sounds like you really don't want them.

This isn't something you can compromise on, really. You can't have 0.5 children or have 1 and return it to the shop if you change your mind.

Your dh needs to understand that if you really don't want them then the choice is to separate or he needs to 100% respect your choice, and by that I mean he doesn't resent you for it in the future.

Hi OP, I’m very happily childfree by choice, with zero regrets. For all the reasons you state in your post, and then some. I could have written most of what you wrote, and what jumps out at me is that you talk only about what you stand to lose by becoming a parent. You don’t even mention any possible upsides. That is a pretty clear indication that you don’t want to have children. And that’s fine. Being a parent isn’t for everyone. It isn’t ‘just what you do’. And the childfree life has an enormous amount to recommend it.

The fact is having children will impact on you far more than it will him- your body, health, mental health, career. Of course you shouldn't do it unless you really want to.

There so much more stress, tiredness and compromise when you have kids . You ideally want to be financially stable and to be with a man who will rise to the challenges and support you.

You need to tell him how you feel about this