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Original poster

DH does not want a third

135 replies

watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:27

We never actually discussed how many kids we'd have, we just thought we'd see how much we enjoyed being parents.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both same sex.

My DH initially wasn't keen for no2, but changed his mind when no1 was around 1 and decided we could have another.

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.
We have a big enough house, car, we can afford it, I have easy pregnancies, we are both young enough and healthy etc. lots of family support. We love being parents and love family life.

My DH and I had the chat a week ago and I've just felt so sad ever since. He's 99% sure he's done at 2. He's agreed we can revisit in 6 months but he warned me he very likely won't change his mind (though he won't say 100%, as says his mind could change in the future but very unlikely).

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

And has anyone had a DH who has changed his mind on #3? I hate this feeling of living in hope.

I have two beautiful healthy children and feel guilty that I am wanting more.

OP posts:
SpinningTops · 03/08/2024 07:35

Ah, I went through this at a similar point.

I think there's something there about it being the end of babies and sadness at that.

DH didn't change his mind. We stuck at 2. And I'm bloody glad we did!

I do sometimes think if we'd had a 3rd then my 2 wouldn't get the attention they need. Chuck another child in and I feel my life would be very chaotic.

Having said that I feel my children potential neurodiverse and my son is on the waiting list for an autism assessment. None of this was evident at ages 3&1. So I do think our life is hard for other reasons.

Ponoka7 · 03/08/2024 07:35

I know my DD is glad she didn't go in for a third. My youngest GC wasn't diagnosed as having hearing loss and other issues, dyspraxia etc until around 3. Her eldest had a bowel condition, again not diagnosed at your children's ages and it's been appointment after appointment. Parents are expected to be heavily involved with school life now. My GC are at a bog standard local primary and there's something every week that is time consuming. Both have different personalities, which means different hobbies. He could change his mind. But meanwhile it's about counting your blessings and practicing gratitude for what you do have.

Hazeby · 03/08/2024 07:37

What would 3 give you that 2 doesn’t?

Original poster
watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:38

Thanks both.

How old are yours now @SpinningTops and when did you start to feel glad and content with your two?

I'm such a practical, logical person. I don't know why I can't just accept this and am being ruled by my heart!
Broodiness is just awful when you can't do anything about it.

OP posts:
KimKardashiansLostEarring · 03/08/2024 07:38

We hesitated over a third for years, we always wanted three and went for it in the end. I IMMEDIATELY felt done. Never felt complete with only 2.

BUT. Take the yearning out of it and 2 was heavenly. We were exactly like you - young, big enough house and car etc, hands on. But 3 is still HARD. It’s more than just one more than 2. Life would be far calmer and easier with 2.

Just my perspective! Obviously am obsessed with baby 3 and she’s worth it. Oh and we don’t have any help so you’re ahead of us on that!

TickyTacky · 03/08/2024 07:40

Hi, so I desperately wanted 3 children, yet I was told in hospital with number 2 that I absolutely couldn't fall pregnant again. My mum had the same health conditions, had number 3 & died, so I knew it was too risky. My husband chose to have a vasectomy, so it felt like we had control over the decision. My children (same sex) are now 10 & 12 and I can't imagine having a third. We are complete, and due to health conditions I'm relieved we didn't go for number 3. There are many advantages to having 2 children, and although I worried I'd never feel 'complete' I do. However though, your circumstance is different from mine & they do say you never regret the children you have. So don't close the hope/ option off completely, things may change.

Original poster
watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:40

@Hazeby it would give us another child to love and nurture. Another person in our family to add to the fun, it would give us potentially more grandchildren, it would mean we get to have small children around for longer (and I adore having babies and young children), it would just mean we get to do it all again and for me I can't think of anything I'd rather do!

OP posts:
petitfromage · 03/08/2024 07:40

Desperately wanted a third despite having two lovely children and a happy full life. Not sure why but I just felt there was a missing piece. DH didn't want a third but then came on board for me but it just didn't happen - had a miscarriage then despite trying I realised we probably left it too late. Totally feel your pain. I try to focus now on the lovely family I have rather than miss what was never there in the first place...
if I had my time again I think I'd just give DH the six months then return to it but very clearly state how much this means to you. I do think 3 dcs changes things so maybe allay his concerns if you want to push for a third. IMO this is the best way to get them on board - approach it with logic not emotion!!

Original poster
watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:42

@petitfromage I'm so sorry, this sounds very hard.

I can't imagine my DH coming on board. Was your DH a firm no at first?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 03/08/2024 07:45

Broodiness is just awful when you can't do anything about it.

Broodiness when you've got a 1yo is quite extreme. If this is true:

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.

Then it's not like you've even been in the moment enjoying your second. Most people don't immediately want another when they've just had a baby. Your DH took a while to come around to having a second and in the same way he may come around to having a third, but many people don't want more than two and it's better to accept that's probably the case. Wait and see who your two DC are and how your family of four feels rather than focusing on wanting to add another baby into the mix because of broodiness.

2chocolateoranges · 03/08/2024 07:45

I wanted 3 dh didn’t, tbh I’m glad we didn’t, 3 would mean an odd number, someone left out, would have to have bought a bigger house, a bigger car, our children wouldn’t have had the same opportunities that they have had,

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 03/08/2024 07:45

Based on your last post it’s therapy you need, not another baby.

You’re desperately searching for something you feel only children can give you, something tells me you won’t be satisfied with 3 children, you’ll want another and another.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 03/08/2024 07:47

Me lol.

My god I’m so happy the third child didn’t happen for us. I’m now fifty. Have my hands completely and totally full of my nuclear family, elderly parents and work. There is absolutely no way in hell we could have afforded it time or money wise. We were completely focused on the baby-toddler stage without any thought to them getting older and getting loads of extra curriculars and the required money for everything associated with children. Honestly really think about 3x everything and what that looks like.

Even down to the holiday we’ve just been on. The bloody tickets to everything was so expensive, multiply those by three and half the stuff wouldn’t have happened. Let alone uni costs, weddings, house deposits.

Procrastinates · 03/08/2024 07:47

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.

This is an odd thing to say. How can you say you enjoy having young children when you've not spent any time enjoying your second child and for the whole year they've been here you've been unsatisfied? I would suggest speaking to someone professionally about this mindset, it's not normal to yearn for another baby when you've actually got one.

Original poster
watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:48

@TheHeadOfTheHouse funny you say that, I've been wondering why I feel like this and if there is something wrong with me...! I feel like having babies has been the most profound and wonderful experience and I didn't expect that because I never really felt that fussed about having them at all before my first. But I worry that something is wrong with me, mentally, for me to feel so strongly about having another. I felt the same after #1.

OP posts:
Lilacapples · 03/08/2024 07:49

My guess is you would have been happy with two had they been the opposite sex? If that’s the case and you get the same sex again how will you feel?

OMGsamesame · 03/08/2024 07:51

watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:40

@Hazeby it would give us another child to love and nurture. Another person in our family to add to the fun, it would give us potentially more grandchildren, it would mean we get to have small children around for longer (and I adore having babies and young children), it would just mean we get to do it all again and for me I can't think of anything I'd rather do!

Those are all nice reasons to have a 3rd but you're not trying to decide whether you want a 3rd, are you? If your husband doesn't want a 3rd then you'll stick at 2, right? You'll want bright sides of sticking at 2/ways to get over the feeling of wanting a 3rd.

StinkerTroll · 03/08/2024 07:51

I really wanted 3 but DH only wanted 2, unfortunately (or fortunately!) They don't come in half measures so there was no way to compromise, basically one of us had to give, it was me this time (sometimes it's him but in this occasion it was me). My DDs are now 15 and 17 and well on their way to becoming fabulous young women and I regret nothing. Yes, I would have loved a third but life is about compromise, we don't always get what we want. It does cross my mind that I wanted a third and I stand by that but I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it.

VestPantsandSocks · 03/08/2024 07:55

Why the rush to have a third? Even if you wait a couple of years, the gap still won't be that big.

Your children are still so little, focus and enjoy them.

Beefcurtains79 · 03/08/2024 07:55

Maybe you have an addiction to having babies or pregnancy or something? I can’t be bothered to google but I bet it’s a thing.

Original poster
watermelonsugarr · 03/08/2024 07:57

@Lilacapples I would be happy with a third the same sex, I literally have no preference! Everyone thinks I do though!

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 03/08/2024 07:57

It's a very common feeling when your baby is around 1. It does pass though. Babies are lovely. They don't really take up much time, space, money.

But they grow up. And cost a lot of all the above! I have more than 2, and while I wouldn't be without any of them (obviously) they are now all teenagers. All involved in multiple hobbies, all going in multiple different directions at the same time. We live in a rural area. Our life is a constant cycle of rushing to bring someone somewhere.

Your husband's idea to wait a while is a good one. You're young. You're healthy. Your babies are small. There is no rush to have another immediately. He says he'll revisit in 6 months? I'd give it at least a year, possibly 2. If you still really want another at that point there's still time.

When mine were small I could happily have had a baby a year! When my youngest was 1-2 I genuinely honestly considered another. I'm so glad I resisted!

petitfromage · 03/08/2024 07:58

Started off a hard no. Then after a couple of years was a bit softer... then I think he just sort of realised I wasn't giving up so agreed for me. Also DD was probably around 3-4 at the time and just adorable so think he relented.
At the end of the day so many things happen to us that you can't control and we just cope with it... what would DH do if you had an accidental pregnancy? Not suggesting you do this btw but I know DH from before he agreed would have taken a month or two to get his head round it then just got on with it...

Londonrach1 · 03/08/2024 07:58

I've a friend who was going to have 4. She got to 3 and said she wishes she stopped at 2. She obviously loved her son and amazing mum but says life is complicated now with 3. Holidays, time, you only got two hands she said and when she had 3 under 5 it was a struggle. Her oldest one is very independent and she wondered if that's because he didn't get as much time with her. Not sure if that's any help.

lazysummerdayz · 03/08/2024 07:59

Out of interest when you say "we can afford it" is that your opinion or do you actually know? Most women friends I know who said that were STAHM or worked part time or earned significantly less and the financial responsibility lay with their husband/partner. So they didn't actually know. And that's the biggest deciding factor isn't it? How hands on is he as a dad? Really hands on then maybe he is done with the baby years and therefore has equal say