DH does not want a third

[watermelonsugarr]

We never actually discussed how many kids we'd have, we just thought we'd see how much we enjoyed being parents.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both same sex.

My DH initially wasn't keen for no2, but changed his mind when no1 was around 1 and decided we could have another.

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.
We have a big enough house, car, we can afford it, I have easy pregnancies, we are both young enough and healthy etc. lots of family support. We love being parents and love family life.

My DH and I had the chat a week ago and I've just felt so sad ever since. He's 99% sure he's done at 2. He's agreed we can revisit in 6 months but he warned me he very likely won't change his mind (though he won't say 100%, as says his mind could change in the future but very unlikely).

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

And has anyone had a DH who has changed his mind on #3? I hate this feeling of living in hope.

I have two beautiful healthy children and feel guilty that I am wanting more.

I thought I was done after 2, 13 years later I had another and it’s been wonderful ☺️

The fact you mentioned it in the OP suggests it perhaps is more relevant than you think, even if it's subconscious. Along with being broody as soon as your last child was born I'd ask yourself seriously if this is a motivator- if it is doesn't make it bad or whatever, but your hypothetical 3rd may not be the sex you seem to want either, would you then want 4?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you whatsoever OP! I could have written your post myself and understand completely. I had a terrible first birth but the complete joy of being a mum made me yearn for another almost immediately. I ended up having four and yes, it was challenging at times and very expensive, but even now they’re grown up, they bring me joy every day. I’m not sure how well I would have coped if my husband had wanted to stop at two, but fortunately for me he was very supportive and laid back about it all.

It may be more problematic than you think if your husband doesn’t come round to your way of thinking because rightly or wrongly, you may find yourself deeply resentful of his decision which could then impact on your marriage.

It's hormones + grieving the end of a life stage! DH and I are both from families with 3 DC so we both only wanted to have 2 but I STILL went through a stage of wanting a third when DD2 was around 1!! It lasted a couple of years.

DH would have agreed to a third for me but I'm so glad we resisted. Babies/toddlers are relatively cheap and "easy" (I use that carefully as sleep deprivation sucks). However teens are expensive and need more focus to help them navigate life/friends/school/uni etc.

None of my friends who had 3 regret it to my knowledge but their lives are harder/more complicated and I'm very glad we stuck to 2. I have a lovely dog who fills my need for cuddles/complete adoration with no backchat.

Sometimes there seems to be an impression that those of us with one or two children stopped there because we didn’t enjoy the baby stage as much as others or weren’t as maternal as others. Loads of us, including myself, absolutely adored the baby stage and love having children but for practical reasons or medical reasons stopped at two. You are definitely not alone in your feelings towards motherhood.

Mumsnet is full of women who are single parents to dc whose dads never see them because they say they didn’t want them anyway. And we quite rightly get angry with those men because if you don’t want dc then you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex (or maybe any penetrative sex) if you can’t manage the consequences.

But here we are reading about a mum who has persuaded some man he wants two children when he didn’t and now wants to persuade him to have three because the woman just wants them, like children come in a set of a specific size and you just have to have them all. He is just as culpable in letting himself be persuaded and I would think very carefully if you want to push it another time with this man as it is so easy for him to walk away if he decides it wasn’t for him all along.

We were really on the fence about number 3. In all honesty after 2 boys I did want to try for a girl. We couldn't ever quite decide to go for it though and THANK FUCK we stuck at two.

We couldn't have afforded half of the amazing holidays and experiences we've had if we had another person to pay for. And buying them cars and lessons etc etc etc.

And the thought of one still at school now when I feel we are in the best place we've ever been now fills me with pure dread.

I am so glad we're a 4, we are very close and an even number works really well for us.

Maybe get a puppy?

Is it really because you're hoping for a girl?

Two children is plenty and if your DH doesn't want more then that's that.

I wanted more but my OH was always adamant 2 was his maximum. He had a vasectomy when our youngest was 11 weeks old.
I am very glad he was firm in so many ways, as he fell ill & passed away when our youngest was 10. Both children now diagnosed ASC, our youngest has a very high level of need - I don't think I would have coped with more, emotionally or financially.
I thought I had a lot of support but his family dropped us like a lead balloon "to be in their bubble of grief together".

I understand your yearning Op, I have 3 DC but wanted a 4th, and like yourself I love children and all they bring to life. My ex sadly didn't want anymore children, and whilst I was in hospital with our 3rd he organised a vasectomy for himself. To be fair to him I nearly died with complications in labour after my DD was born and he said he couldn't go through that again. I do think with him it was because now we had 2 sons and a daughter he felt his family was complete whereas I worried one of them would be left out and wanted a 4th. My DC have all grown up now, aged 29, 31 and 35 (no GC yet) Your DH may change his mind but I do understand how you feel. x

Yes. We have 2 and I wanted 3 - except by the time my kids reached 7/8 the gap became so big I now wouldn't want a baby, so I naturally outgrew my longing for another one. I am now so glad we are out of the baby phase and have no desire whatsoever to have a third !! But I empathise on the emotional turmoil!

Well it’s not. She can discuss it till the end of time if she chooses to. She can decide that her need for a third trumps his choice and resent him for it.

With the way you describe why you want a third child, why would you stop at 3. Have you thought about the teenage years when they are expensive, more independent and not so cute!

We always agreed on two. But when dc2 came along I wanted another almost straight away. My dh at the time was less keen but I think he would have gone for it if I had been really eager. However these feelings faded probably around the time when dc1 started school, dc2 would have been around 18 months then. Life just became very very busy.

I'm a single parent now with 9 and 6 year olds. I am so glad we didn't have a third. I couldn't have coped with 3 kids on my own. I'm very lucky that the two I do have play together very nicely and have some of the same interests. They have a great bond but I feel immense guilt that they don't get enough 1:1 time with me really.

Some amazing advice here and it's helped me feel a lot better so thank you!

If I had to pick I'd have another baby of the same sex, so it's definitely not about having one of the opposite. Honestly 🤣

I think I need to focus and leave it a year or two. You're all very right in this.

I do feel very jealous at any pregnancy announcements though which is a horrible way to feel.

I really wanted a third, DH not so much. Well it happened, down to carelessness and I was so happy. My third turned out to be an amazing kid but that was it for me.I was completely done at three.

I'm feeling like this except I currently have 1 and don't feel done yet which I know is different to having 2 then considering a third but it's that similar feeling of sadness and possible regret.

Iv always been on the fence about another one because my daughter has always been so amazingly behaved, slept through the night since newborn, adapted to pretty much every situation so we can still go out and do lots with her so don't feel like we have been too restricted from our 'old lifestyle' which are important things to consider as well as having to divide your attention to another baby.

My age also factors into it as well (mid 30s). Those urges can sometimes just be urges and sometimes the reality doesn't match but maybe focusing on enjoying your second for these next 6 months will change your perspective!

There's nothing wrong with you OP you're just broody. For me having a newborn was enough to scare me off kids for life but I accept it's not the same for everyone!

Just be careful as a school mum friend of mine convinced her DH to go for a third and had twins!

What if No 3 turns out to be twins? Thisis not uncommon from what Ihave read on here.

For a different perspective… have a think about how you would cope if any major life events happened.
in my case I had 2 boys and wasn’t sure about having another.we had a good life. Eventually decided not to but found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had a missed miscarriage at my 12w scan. So we decided to give it 6 months before making any major decisions. 4 months later I was pregnant again with twins so went from 2-4. Husband then became an alcoholic and we separated so now ima single mum of 4 kids. Life is hard. I’m on the verge of losing our home. I have very little money. And while I wouldn’t change them for all the world life certainly would have been different with just 2.

I have three DC, but I was in a similar situation to you in that I LOVED having babies and really wanted a 4th, but DH put his foot down so we didn't.

In my experience @watermelonsugarr the broodiness does go. In fact, I had a pregnancy scare a few years ago and was extremely relieved not to be pregnant!

Three DC is hard work. When they were little I struggled with DC3, who was a terrible sleeper and a tricky toddler (much more difficult than the other two). They're all teens now, they're great kids but they're all really sporty which means that DH and I are constantly driving them around to training and matches. They all want to go to uni which will be very expensive. I am so glad we didn't have a 4th!

Good luck OP in making peace with this decision. Enjoy your lovely family!

Looking at the range of answers, everyone is so glad with whatever they ended up doing. They've made peace with their choice and so will you.

(Though personally I'd suggest having a third! 😂)

I have 3 and it’s hard. Funnily enough, not so much when they were little but as they got older. If I had my time again I’m not sure I’d do it. Three teens is hard work! And expensive.

I often feel that I’ve let down my older child by having 3, I was emotionally less available to her - too frazzled by all the arguments!

You were already wanting another after your first was born and again after your second. Why don't you just slow things down and enjoy and appreciate every stage of the two children that you do have, instead of always looking for the next one?