DH does not want a third

[watermelonsugarr]

We never actually discussed how many kids we'd have, we just thought we'd see how much we enjoyed being parents.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both same sex.

My DH initially wasn't keen for no2, but changed his mind when no1 was around 1 and decided we could have another.

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.
We have a big enough house, car, we can afford it, I have easy pregnancies, we are both young enough and healthy etc. lots of family support. We love being parents and love family life.

My DH and I had the chat a week ago and I've just felt so sad ever since. He's 99% sure he's done at 2. He's agreed we can revisit in 6 months but he warned me he very likely won't change his mind (though he won't say 100%, as says his mind could change in the future but very unlikely).

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

And has anyone had a DH who has changed his mind on #3? I hate this feeling of living in hope.

I have two beautiful healthy children and feel guilty that I am wanting more.

Your baby is only one. It seems like a fair thing that your DH is willing to have the discussion again in six months. Maybe wait till then and see how you feel?

My DH was done after two at first, but we ended up having three more. Things do change.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you to feel the way you do OP. Though maybe you need to slow down a bit & enjoy the time with your little ones now rather than racing ahead to the next one. I personally found nothing magical about the baby stage & enjoy my DD much more now she’s 6 but she was an extremely unsettled baby & has now been diagnosed with autism. That’s the thing, every time you have a baby you roll the dice. It sounds like you’ve been lucky so far so it’s worth considering how you’d cope if your child had SEN/ medical or behavioural needs.

I could have gone a third when the kids were both your kids ages, and DH would still like a third (ours are 7 and 5 now). We also can afford it easily, house and car big enough etc. But there were not enough ticks in the ‘pro’ column compared to the ‘con’s. Both of our kids are smart, kind, lovely people and they get on like a house on fire. I personally see having babies as a game of Russian roulette. We’ve pulled that trigger twice and both times got really lucky, it feels a bit tempting fate, and that the third time it would blow up in our faces.

I was so broody that I had three children under 2.5 years at one point.

Then I left a 4 year gap and had another three.

I've always found an overwhelming urge the second the baby is born to do it all again.

I'd be constantly buying baby clothes and keeping a supply of bits for the 'next one'.

Now that I'm 44 and the youngest is 16 I feel done. I felt 'done' when the youngest was around 2 years old.

But I do have grandchildren now.

What will a third child provide that the first two haven't? Or are you hoping for a different sex?

And what happens once you've had the third, will you then want a 4th and so on?

Why will 3 be enough?

The decision would be around work for me. Can you get back into your career after 3 mat leaves? I couldn't in my field.

This!

We wanted 4. Late miscarriage then DS1. MMC and a miscarriage at 7 weeks then DS2 who was born at 27 weeks and had a heart condition incompatible with life. DD was born, by a small miracle 51 weeks later.

DH still wanted a third, I did but was adamant I couldn't go through another loss if that were the price. A year or so later, I wanted to try and DH didn't. It became academic because I'd have wanted to be done by 41 and time was ticking.

A part of me regrets not trying for a third deeply. Another part of me knows it would have prevented starting a second career and taking professional qualifications at 43 once dd was settled in reception. Money wasn't an issue but my personal growth was and as I head I to my mid 60s the occupational pension is increasingly welcome. Going back to work also kept me grounded with the world away from our domestic privilege and I think it helped the children be more independent.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant is it just about babies? Did you other children never feel enough when you kept having children?

But do you adore teenagers? Or older children?

Because logically a third child isn't going to stay a baby or toddler for long, and then you'll find yourself with three children at primary school. And then three teenagers.

The thing to be really clear with yourself is do you want another child. Not another baby. Another child.

It's actually relatively easy with three when they are all small, not operating independently and can all be moved as a pack. Its also not that expensive because stuff can be reused.

However, once they are children with hobbies, friends and activities life and logistics get much more complicated. A sports match for number one, a dance competition for number two and a friends birthday party for number three all.at the same time.on a Saturday afternoon. All of which need a parent to attend. So someone has to.miss.out.

And three lots of school shoes, music lessons, sports clubs etc get really expensive.

And everything is set up for families of.four, holidays, activities, meals etc. Therefore the third child sometimes effectively doubles the price. Two hotel rooms not one.

Both of you need to want that, and it does mean much less time by yourself because of the logistics and need to.be clear that you are happy with the financial sacrifices.

Baby stage is amazing. Just try and enjoy it as much as you can whilst you are it, rather than thinking about what's next

If there's something wrong with you, there's something wrong with me too! I have a 6yo and a 1yo - different sexes - and since the youngest was a tiny baby I have had the feeling that I don't want her to be the last baby I have. I am so broody for a third, and my husband doesn't want one. I keep thinking of the practicalities and that my life will be easier with 2 than 3. But the heart wants what it wants. I am just going to have to accept that. But for what it's worth, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's just biology, hormones and desires, and a reflection on how much you love your family that you would love to add to it.

Funnily enough both my best friends are one of three and HATED it. Missed out as scheduled clashed for activities and play dates between them, house was chaos, there was a fair gap between youngest and oldest and each resented the other for different reasons. They’re both the middle kids and said the first sibling was the “favourite made us parents” first born and the last one was the “one that completed the family” and they both had the impression of being “just the middle kid”.

I really find it an odd thing when people say how despite having kids they haven’t “completed” their idea of a family - just sucks to have it implied that you aren’t enough.

I am amazed by you all wanting more than 2. I couldnt wait for my second to be born so I can feel done. I felt done with #1 but I wanted her a sibling. Cant wait for baby days to be over. My DH and I are on the same page. We feel complete with 2 and no more.

I really wanted three, DH is done at two and so two we have. The feeing has eased over time as they have grown. I could possibly have a baby now but it's unlikely at my age and I am able to feel content with the family we have (although I've not thrown out the baby clothes yet).

I would say that I've never felt as broody as when I held my newborns - something about growing and having a tiny baby made me desperate for this not to be the last time:

I had four. I was lucky, easy births, easy babies, they were gorgeous and I loved being pregnant.

I would have had a dozen if I hadn't realised that my eldest DC wasn't getting the attention he deserved as I was too busy with the younger ones.

I was broody for years, but I know we made the right decision.

I have four under six! Luckily DH was on board with that and we had always discussed having a big family.

I am not sure if I am done yet. Probably, but not definitely.

Has DH explained why he’s against a third baby? Communication is the key here. I do understand how you feel though, I would be very unhappy, and I just don’t know what you can do with that pain. 💐

We had 3. The youngest Is 17 today. Cant imagine life without her. She's been a funny little joy for the main. Her sister is 20. Her brother is 27. So we had one of each and for some reason I desperately felt like a 3rd. My husband was on board as long as I knew what that would mean. He worked away from home and that couldn't change and he knew I'd be the main carer. Was fine with me. My pregnancies were all easy also. If she had been a boy we would have had to move house so I didn't leave the scan room till she could confirm sex and that was the only reason I was happy with it being a girl. Yes we needed a bigger car. Yes holidays cost more. Yes the girls shared rooms till just last year. But they all get on great. No one is left out at all. We've just got back from a meal with the 3 of them and all 3 partners. Was lovely. And luckily, when she was born, all broodiness disappeared. But we were both on board. That is important. Not sure how I would have felt otherwise tbh.

I have 3 DC and have just gone back to work full time so it is definitely possible. Of course, it’s expensive though!

I would’ve stopped at 2 DC if given the choice though. I had twins so ended up with a bonus baby.

You’ve got two boys then huh?

If it's just about liking small children and babies. Just don't do it.

Littleones are hard and tiring but teens are a whole new level of tricky. Spreading yourselves over 3 not 2 will be hard.

Focus on future beyond next 5 years.

Feels like you’re getting some odd responses and catty comments assuming you just want a girl. My dh and I were on the same page about having 3 and went for it and we immediately felt done once they were here. We had one of each and people thought we were strange for wanting another, but it wasn’t about them being a boy or a girl. I would say that at this point, waiting 6 months for a chat is ideal. Right now you have a baby and a child, which is different to having two children who talk, walk, constantly ask you for stuff, no nap breaks while the baby sleeps etc. We decided to wait until our second one was 2 and to see how having two children felt. It might make your decision for you! Good luck making peace with the decision either way. I never felt broody or wanted another baby stage. It was a down payment on the family we wanted in future. But whether to have a third is definitely a question that can take up huge amounts of mental and emotional energy, so you have my sympathies.

My DD is 14 months and I'm already longing for another. My DH also wants another but practically he would prefer us to move house first etc so we don't get "stuck" where we are for another maternity leave.

I've basically said that as I'm happy either way I'll leave the contraception solely up to him. About half of the time he wears a condom, and he almost always pulls out. I'm still secretly praying I'll fall pregnant though 😂

Well we wanted 2 and had 3. Of course we wouldn't swap this for an anything in the world but we didn't plan it.

Mostly for us it has been on the financial side (as we didn't plan for 3 as I said).

One of us became a SAHP as it was just two difficult and costly to navigate 3 nursery drop offs and childcare (minimal support). That in itself has had a massive impact on our finances.

For holidays it's always 20% more, an extra bedroom, an extra room, an extra car seat etc.

Coming up to teen years has been heavy going, anything we spend on the eldest we had to ensure we could afford a second and third time, same with driving lessons, school trips, uni, hobbies etc.

It's of course harder to carve out as much quality time with each individual child.

So overall much poorer financially but richer in family overall.

I went through this periodically until my youngest started school. I sobbed so hard that first day I dropped her off - harder than when my eldest started. I knew it was because the baby and early years was over. I grieved that day, but never looked back! It was time for the next stage of parenting, and I’m throughly enjoying the primary school years.