DH does not want a third

[watermelonsugarr]

We never actually discussed how many kids we'd have, we just thought we'd see how much we enjoyed being parents.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both same sex.

My DH initially wasn't keen for no2, but changed his mind when no1 was around 1 and decided we could have another.

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.
We have a big enough house, car, we can afford it, I have easy pregnancies, we are both young enough and healthy etc. lots of family support. We love being parents and love family life.

My DH and I had the chat a week ago and I've just felt so sad ever since. He's 99% sure he's done at 2. He's agreed we can revisit in 6 months but he warned me he very likely won't change his mind (though he won't say 100%, as says his mind could change in the future but very unlikely).

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

And has anyone had a DH who has changed his mind on #3? I hate this feeling of living in hope.

I have two beautiful healthy children and feel guilty that I am wanting more.

I only have one DD by choice, but I think that for ANY child to be planned, both parents have to be fully on board and wanting the child.

Your reasons sound selfish if I'm honest (love having young kids and babies around, wanting lots of grandchildren - what if none of your kids want kids? Are you going to try and persuade them as well?) if you love kids around why not become a childminder?

If your DH feels done at 2, why can't you both pour all your energy into the two you're very lucky to already have?

no regrets DS has been hard work and needed a lot of time and attention to get him to where he is about to start high school and I was able to give DD (15) what she needed but another would have spread me too thin.

3 is tricky with holidays and cars etc and I agree in your reasons it is all you not how it would impact the family

This is terrible advice

I wanted a third as soon as I found out at my 20 week scan I was having a boy I wanted a girl. I would never now change him for the world I am glad I stuck at 2 what if my next pregnancy was hard or my baby was born poorly that’s what changed my mind. Now when we go out or holiday it’s 1 child each it just works for us. Not saying it will for you but as soon as my boys met each other I knew I needed nothing else and it’s just got stronger as they grow together ❤️

I was so unbelievably broody for a third literally as soon as I gave birth to my second. I felt so broody for over 12 months.

Husband wasn't (still isn't!) keen. I knew I wanted to leave a bigger gap between my second and hypothetical third, so I decided to put it out of my mind for a while.

Now my youngest is 18 months-ish. And I can tell you the broodiness has 99% gone 🤣 I honestly think it was just hormone related maybe.

There's a tiny part of me that wants a third, but most of me is now firmly saying "no thanks!"

I initially wanted 4 but age & finances ruled that out!

I had two easy pregnancies & births so decided not to risk a third in case it wasn't as easy!

I think some folk just love having babies - there's nothing wrong with that in itself, but you also have to remind yourself that you're actually having people not just babies. The babies become children who become teenagers - each stage brings it's own challenges. Also, having had 2 good pregnancis experiences does not mean you will continue to have problem free pregnancies. In addition, how would you feel if your third turned out to be twins (or triplets) etc? Not saying that would be inherently bad but all food for thought.

OP I desperately wanted another almost as soon as DC2 was born! Crazy as it took a lot of courage to even have 2 children (,we found it all pretty hard!).

I'd say to DH, let's keep these baby clothes. I had talks with him, I felt I wouldn't be happy with just two, felt jealous of families with 3.

Those feelings have faded since DC2 has become a terrible 2s toddler and we are reliving teething, early wake ups, dropped naps, tantrums. Life feels full.

Who knows if those feelings will come back, they were fuelled by hormones and a very positive birth / bonding experience I think. Plus the special feeling of having a cute little baby.

I wanted another but DH said no, and I was resentful for a long time. But when I hit peri menopause, the thought of still having a teen at school with all the troubles to go through, I was glad I hadn’t had another.

I always wanted three. Started trying at 22 and eventually got my 2 just before I was 30. Have never been on any contraception and have had a miscarriage since but pretty much accepted now that it's just going to be the two. I mean if it happened I'd be delighted but there is a definite feeling of 'oh that looks like hard work' when I'm with friends in the trenches of baby years now we are well into primary school.

Agree with this.

Sounds like a 3rd wouldn't be enough either op going off your reasons.

I wanted a 3rd, but in the end 2 is more than enough extra humans to bring into the shitty world and I feel incredibly lucky I was able to have and afford 2. Some can't.

Focus on what you have.

We had our third one and husband left telling me he loves our kids but he never wanted them in the first place, that I forced them on him

Pregnant with my third now. 27 months between my first two, then will be just under 4 years between #2 and #3. I'd park the idea for 18 months and then revisit. I think three with a small age gap would be harder - this has given us some time to get back to ourselves a bit first. You may both find that your feelings have changed by then too.

Can you afford 3 when you are looking at driving lessons and university (subsidised by you at £6k per child per year). You'll be relying in his wage, as your career would have taken a serious bashing, as being a sahp is the only viable option with 3 dc - the most you can hope to achieve is an around school work at minimum wage - unless you work for yourself.
As the eldest of 3 I would say stick to 2, after my mum being exhausted from looking after the baby and then the toddler, I had to learn to be very independent very quickly.

It’s valid to want what you want in life, but you don’t sound family focused. Nowhere here have you described your DH’s feelings and why he feels that way – that’s very important. Also describing that you were immediately hellbent on a third as soon as your 1yr old was born suggests you aren’t wholly on the very little ones you currently have either.

Being hyper focused, distracted and continually sad about something fictionalised is not going to be doing you or your family any good.

I wanted a 3rd after #2. DH didn't. He was dead right and I'm very glad. It was hormones plus wanting a do-over of some aspects of #2's pregnancy and birth that didn't go "right", and it passed.

I will say all this financial stuff people are posting about having to be a SAHM doesn't ring true for me and I know plenty of mums who work with three children. I work 3 days a week and plan on continuing to do so after maternity with this one. My husband works full time. We will make use of the new nursery funding. Each of my children has a savings account that a small amount is put into each month that will then hopefully help for driving lessons etc. Other family members have also done various accounts for them (yes we are very lucky that they have been happy to do this without being asked).

a veto against another child always trumps the wish to have another one. You have 2 DC. why can't people be happy with what they have.

Wait until your 2nd is in school.

Yours are still babies. Enjoy them for a bit first.

3 teens at once will not be fun!

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

I wanted three but DH was definitely done at two. They're older teens now and I still wish we'd had three. However the logical part of me knows that sticking at two was better for our family as there's no way I would have "forced" a third child on DH. He is one of three and felt that the practical and logistical aspects were harder being a family of five rather than four. And I think that he's right in that. I never felt 'done' but for me possibly part of that was that the pregnancy with DD2 was a twin one until 11 weeks so there is always a degree of 'what if' there too. But I am thankful for my two wonderful DD, many people don't get that joy.

Yeah I always wanted 3rd. But my husband got snip behind my back 😂

I think its just broodiness though, as all my logic says no way. I think also accepting no more feels so final that your entering the next stage of life and that feels heavy 😂

But I think of all the positives sticking at 2. I know in time when the broodiness fades I will be relieved. I don't think I have the energy levels and emotional resilience I see a lot of parents have. 😂

I've two children and won't have ANY grandchildren.

I personally don’t know any mums with 3 DC who work full time. Working PT can be great but often has penalties, eg career and pay progression, pension.

I was absolutely desperate for a third. Slightly different to your situation as it would have been financially difficult , but dh was done with two. It was so tough to deal with for a good five years- especially with friends and family having a third. A few things gradually helped me to accept the situation and now I’m genuinely happy I stuck with two. They are both older teens now.

1. there is no guarantee a third child will be healthy. Having a child with complex needs is hard and even more so when you have two other children. Parents in that situation have my immense respect.
2. You might have twins - can you cope with that when you have two already? I know people do but is it what you want.
3. The future - other than childcare little kids don’t cost too much. When they are older they cost a fortune. Do you want to support them through university or by helping them purchase a home. Will the help you can offer be impacted negatively if you have a third?

The most recent thing that has made me happy to stick at two is emotions. Nothing has prepared me with how to deal with teen emotions and upset. It’s really hard watching them struggle with friendship issues, puberty, exam stress etc and providing the guidance and support they need. Young kids are physically demanding, older kids are mentally demanding. I love being a mum and I love the life I’ve been able to offer my kids so far. Now I am at the far end of this journey to 18 Years of age I am so glad I stuck with two. I can reflect now and see it was the sensible thing to do. I know too many people who have been unable to have any kids and I am so grateful every day that I was able to have two wonderful children.

For context, I have an only DS. He is 19 and so I am at the other end of parenting to you.

You’re right, having babies is an amazing ing and profound experience, every mother would agree with this. But it is fleeting, that point when you are at the centre of that world. It is an amazing thing, but it is just the start of an incredible journey. Like all journeys, you need to move on to make it a successful trip.

Right now you can see how you would fit three into your life. You can see how pregnancy and baby could be accommodated.

Then imagine the point when you have 13-19, with all in adult clothing, possibly university bills, driving bills, the need to be ferrying at least one around. The exam support, the help to make life decisions. This is when the bills and the toll on your emotional reserves really mount up. (Have a look on the boards of parents with teens/ higher ed for ideas!)

And please don’t take the unbelievably stupid advice to get pregnant “accidentally”. At best it’s lying to your husband.