DH does not want a third

[watermelonsugarr]

We never actually discussed how many kids we'd have, we just thought we'd see how much we enjoyed being parents.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, both same sex.

My DH initially wasn't keen for no2, but changed his mind when no1 was around 1 and decided we could have another.

Ever since #2 came along I've known I'd like a third.
We have a big enough house, car, we can afford it, I have easy pregnancies, we are both young enough and healthy etc. lots of family support. We love being parents and love family life.

My DH and I had the chat a week ago and I've just felt so sad ever since. He's 99% sure he's done at 2. He's agreed we can revisit in 6 months but he warned me he very likely won't change his mind (though he won't say 100%, as says his mind could change in the future but very unlikely).

My question is - has anyone had two children, wanted a third, not gone for it for whatever reason, and then been glad they stuck at 2? I can't ever imagine feeling anything but sadness and regret over it. I'd love to feel 'done' - will I feel like that in time?

And has anyone had a DH who has changed his mind on #3? I hate this feeling of living in hope.

I have two beautiful healthy children and feel guilty that I am wanting more.

It's a bit worrying that everyone thinks this why do you think that is? I suspect you're subconsciously giving off indications that you're not actually all that happy about having two children the same sex for so many to pick up on that vibe, especially if you've been so desperate for a third since number two arrived.

I still would like to have a third, but I accept that it's impractical. Over time (my youngest DC is 4) it's become less of a strong feeling, although it's still there. When friends and acquaintances have a third I feel it more strongly. Ultimately I don't think it's fair for my wants to take precedence over the rest of the family.

This.

Who's to say you'll feel happy and 'done' with a third? Now you have three, might as well go on and have a fourth...Wait a while and perhaps talk things through with a therapist to get to the root of this yearning.

Mine are now 8&5. I probably toyed with the idea until they were 5&3. That's when you get past the baby stage and think it would be hard to immerse yourself in that again. I also agree about how demanding schools are. Lots of mornings / assemblies / dress up days. I just about cope with 2!

I would suggest you need to regard babies as a stage in your life and start to think of what you can do with the rest of your life. There is no guarantee that your DC will like each other or produce GC for you.

feel like having babies has been the most profound and wonderful experience

That's nice, but the having babies bit is extremely fleeting and having another wouldn't fix it any more than your second fixed it this time. I do think you could do with some therapy to address this. Sounds unhealthy to be so fixated on having that high again as soon as it's over instead of seeing the bigger picture.

My stepson was adamant he didn't want any more kids and if his oh wanted one she could find somone else..fast forward a few years and they have a 3rd child and are getting married. Also my husband didn't want a 3rd but caved in, was adamant that was it, he's too old and couldn't cope with another but I accidentally fell pregnant recently with number 4. I was sure he would be devastated but he wants to keep it

Like @lazysummerdayz wonder if you are minimising the costs. It’s not about having house space or a large car.

we both wanted 3 DC but didn’t due to fertility issues, cost, exhaustion (sleep deprivation for years) and difficulties balancing parenting and work. I have found it very difficult indeed working (part and then full time) with 2 DC, and it hasn’t become easier as they got older (now teens) . I didn’t and still wouldn’t want to be financially dependent on DH.

If he doesn’t want one then that’s it. Enjoy and appreciate the children you have.

I’m honestly not being goady, but what happens when you have the third and desperately want a fourth?

Your DH wasn't keen on having a second,he pretty much had told you,there wont be a third, suppose you managed it, what happens if you want a forth, and so on,22 kids and counting!! I was an only child which I absolutely hated,by the time I was a teenager, I wanted 6! Ironically I got pregnant at 18 in the 60s,you got married. I had awful pregnancies hospitalised with each one, traumatic labours, emergency and planned CS. Second DH,last one at 41 was a breeze,he didn't have DC,a second would have been lovely, menopause the following year. Your DC might not want DCs of their own. I would focus on some years enjoy what you have,or get a dog, that's light hearted! Do you work, have hobbies?

So what happens when you have number three and you still don't feel "done"? You can't just keep having babies forever.

@watermelonsugarr I have 3 and definitely want number 4. Husband would like to stop at 3 but I told him before we got married I wanted to have 4 (if possible) and he is warming to the idea.

can you say what age you are?

I have explained to my husband when it is something I want badly my fear is I would resent him if he stopped me. He understands this and knows we have the resources to have 4. I know I will be done at 4

This! Babies are cheap, it’s from the teenage years that it gets really expensive!

I have 3, all teenagers now. It’s busy.
The benefits of 2 are that you can have one on one time without anyone being left out.

This is my feeling. I persuaded dh to have 3. I felt complete but it is very hard juggling three. Not so much the under 5 age but now they are 5-10 years I just don't have enough time to give them the individual attention I'd like. Obviously I live them all and when they are happy they are such a happy gang together. Two seems like a breeze though when one of them is not there for some reason!

Give it time, your youngest is only 1 (is that just 1 or nearly 2?). It's a big shift from 1 to 2 and DH may worry what a 3rd would bring into the mix. You are supposed to wait a year to 18 months from giving birth to attempting to conceive anyway for yours and babies health.
My husband was keen for a 3rd, I was happy at 2. I had difficult deliveries with both, and did think about stopping after 1st, but I didn't want my oldest to be an only child. 2 just makes sense to me, 2 of us and 2 of them. Many weekends we have to 'divide and conquer' - they both often have birthday parties to go too, oldest is an athlete and also into drama and frequently performs on stage in various places so 1 of us is her 'taxi driver'. If we had 3, we would have to limit how much she can do to be fair to all 3. Your DH may have same concerns, how to meet differing needs of 3 children. And I know many people do this, but it's not a compromise I wanted to make

I desperately wanted 4! We are both middle children so didn’t want 3. We had 2 as DH didn’t want more after 2. I was beyond devastated for a very long time. However..I’m so very glad we stopped at 2. My 2 girls never stop talking and running after them with dance etc, I don’t know how I’d stretch with more kids. They’re 18 and 15 and best friends and have been since day 1.

I wanted a third DH didn’t and I am so glad we stuck with 2.

Both my teens have had serious health problems - nothing that could have been predicted. It has been a real struggle but with 2 of us and 2 of them we have managed.

When they are older the benefits are :
same number of hands as kids
you can choose any car you like
fitting in activities, if there was a clash then no problem as same number of adults as kids
easier to arrange 1-2-1 time
Easier to help with homework especially reading practise.

I’m very happy we stuck with 2 and the broodiness faded, though it resurfaced every so often.

Posts like this are so rude. You can’t assume someone needs therapy because you can’t empathise or understand what the op is saying.

I had exactly the same. Broody when my oldest was one. Breastfeeding and picturing a second bedroom. Then when I had 2 it happened again when they were both toddlers. I was lucky dh was sort of on board to consider it.

I now have three and knew I was done. I love having 3 and have not regretted it.

I had a boy, then a girl and would have gone on having children. My 'sensible (?)' husband booked a vasectomy and I found I was expecting another baby a week before the operation.

So we have three children and six grandchildren (both my daughters have three children).

I can honestly say that 'having the time of my life' is when there are young children around. Naturally, they grow up and away and I'm very close to my adult children but I now adore my grandchildren on another level.

This is so lovely! It sounds like you’ve had a great experience which the polar opposite to what I read in here a lot of the time. I’d love to hear more about how you’ve managed to enjoy it so much and keep a good marriage! I wonder how much you think plenty of money and resources comes into it, as you mention that in your OP…?

This is an awful thing to do to your family. You don’t know you’ll be done at four, don’t be ridiculous.

”I have explained to my husband” - no, what you have done is emotionally manipulated him.

Stop trying to force him to have children he doesn’t want. It’s not nice for the children or for him.

One thing to possibly consider is that with 3 children, it is pretty common for it to be 2 Vs 1 when they're playing.
So one child will at any given time potentially be feeling a little sad and left out.

Not my experience (I'm an only and very happy with it!) but this has been a common thread amongst friends who are one of 3 or who have 3 themselves.
So possibly just another thought to throw into the mix.

Just get ‘accidentally’ pregnant. Simples.