Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

I went it alone and became a lone parent when I had my son, it was fine, do you have to plan more for school holidays etc. I went part time at work, which meant school holidays were easier as I also took four weeks of parental leave every year. My organisational skills are awful, but I managed it fine with holiday clubs and leave etc. It is good to have a small but reliable support network for situations where you may need emergency childcare, for things like hospital trips etc.

Not convinced at all. Like you said nothing is ever zero chance. Just wondered if you saw a potential for that void she may have later in life. You don't, and I think that's naïve and a little worrying (yes, just my opinion)

No I was having a discussion about the things that may come up later in life.

Why would I want them to put it back?

Legally, yes. I think there are some issues around it, just as I am not sure gay couples should be renting wombs. I am allowed my opinion. Am I not?

Not being goady, just curious - do gay male couples?

No uterus between them, which means the only option (other than adoption) is surrogacy, and that's a whole other ethical minefield.

It's not balanced between gay men and lesbians.

Absolutely do it.
I see so many 2 parent families,through work, where the child is damaged for life by the age of 4. Being on Mumsnet for many years, the bar for partner/father/husband's is astonishingly low and must be awful to live with as a child.
If you can provide love, and time and an balanced outlook on life then trust me - you're ahead of the game already !
Don't pass this up - families take many forms.

Threads like this tend to attract people so socially conservative it’s like the second half of the 20th century didn’t happen to them.

I have skin in this game - I chose to be a parent via sperm donation. One of my children is so tiny his age is still counted in days, so I don’t have it in me to wade through all the 1950s shit about traditional nuclear families being the ideal - I’ve not read the whole thread.

Children can and do thrive without fathers. However OP your attitude towards becoming a parent in this way needs some serious work. Sperm donation is not a consolation prize for women who can’t catch a man, and you’re doing those of us already living this life a huge disservice by thinking of it as “I'm not good at getting men to want me” You need to separate what you perceive as your undesirability as a partner from your desire to be a parent, or the hole in your life will damage your relationship with a child.

It’s socially conservative to think children deserve to know their biological parents? Do you know yours?

As for my own skin in the game we have 3 donor conceived children in the wider family. 2 are babies/toddlers so don’t know how that will play out yet, the other is 14 and frankly it has been a disaster. His mum massively underestimated how much work is involved in raising a child, just didn’t seem to cope with him alone, and has been through a few very scary mental health crises which he has witnessed (police called etc). She was in her 40s when he was born and it only seemed to dawn on her after he was born that only having 1 immediate family member who is a bit older than usual was quite precarious - I think during pregnancy and newborn it all seems exciting and it’s easy to banish the doubts with positive thinking. I’ve received a few concerning texts from her over the years asking if I would take her son if anything happened to her (I can’t).

Ultimately you’ll do whatever you decide but you asked for opinions/experiences and here is mine.

I mean it could also be much worse to have some random man in the child’s life who isn’t their ‘father.’

You could argue it’s much better than having a one night stand.

All of this, and what happens if you die while the child is a minor or young adult?

Yeah. Go for it. I think you could meet someone though. All these people harping on "what if you die". Well both parents could die, people could leave. There are plenty of folk who plainly shouldn't have had kids anyway.

So if the dad buggers off and the woman ends up a single parent how is that different?

The woman would have known the dad for a start

A one night stand where the woman accidentally falls pregnant? Or purposely tried to get pregnant by a random. Cause they are two separate things

Tbh when I read these posts and the op talks about having ‘loads of male relatives as a father figure’ I wonder how much they’ve actually discussed it with these relatives and whether they’re actually happy to take on such responsibility for someone else’s child?

But if you split up with your ex because he didn't want to settle down (it's not clear who broke up with who) that's just one of you realising you're not compatible not that you can't get men interested in you. If he split up with you he was right to do that knowing you want children and he wasn't willing to provide that. No reason to think you can't find the right person or are fundamentally not able to attract men/keep them interested.

That is literally every planned pregnancy ever. People having babies because they want them.

Children are far less likely to lose both parents simultaneously than to lose one to accident or disease. Come on.

Who would raise and support the offspring if the OP died?

I have a former coworker who decided to do donor sperm, got pregnant at age 40 on the first try and was dumbfounded when her older sister flatly declined to be designated as alternate guardian. She'd assumed but not asked. Sister is an older, ultra religious recluse who disapproves of assisted reproduction.

So if friend dies (and she is now 50 with a dire family history of breast cancer; her mum died at 51) a solicitor who is a complete stranger to the kid will become its guardian and send it to boarding school on the insurance money. That's the best she could come up with because she has no other friends or family.

I consider that immoral.

@Machiavellian
Excuse me? Yes, babies are hard. I didn't say they weren't. But I am of the fortunate opinion to believe, in spite of them being hard, they are truly wonderful.

I haven't told you what to think/ feel/ say or act, so don't tell me what to think/ feel/ say or act.

Why do you know so much about a former coworker?
If she's choosing to confide in you, hopefully she doesn't know you consider her choices immoral.

On every relationship thread here, LTB is uttered within a few posts regardless of the crime.
So it is completely fine to leave a marriage or have a one night stand and get pregnant, but intentionally having a child with one parent is immoral? Double standards

@RachelGreep87

Yes, she was very open and continues to be.

Making matters worse, she wanted a girl but got a boy, and he now has special needs. Just last week she was posting on facebook about taking him to Disney Florida and him not wanting to leave the hotel room half the time due to overstimulation. It's not working out as she envisioned.

She has a senior high paying comms role and could be traveling the world carefree but instead is dealing with this, totally alone. It's pretty sour.

Purposely choosing to bring a child into a domestic violence situation would be awful though. Not a great justification