Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

Indeed. Or a five year old who is convinced Lego comes from the sky and is totally affordable. Side eye

I think at 33 it makes sense that you are starting to think about this. You really do never know what's around the corner though, and as PP have said, it is so much better for children to have two parents.

It's unique to everyone, but in your situation, I would get some fertility tests, and assuming all was well, I'd freeze my eggs and give it another 2 years.

If you get to 35 and haven't found someone, then your eggs will be there and ready for you, and all you have to do is find a donor.

Speaking as a mid-30's woman who's had fertility treatment, things do start to go downhill, so it makes sense to freeze your eggs asap.

However, the benefits for a child of having two parents really do make it worth waiting another couple of years. It's very important to put the potential child's needs at the forefront as much as you can.

I did. My ds has a father figure of sorts (but I am, very much, doing this alone), but knows he also has a father he can meet when he’s older. He’s happy, and I’ve never been happier.

Yes, it does, It also depends on whether one parent can financially support the child properly.

I think if you want a baby and can financially support a child then go for it. Families come in all shapes and sizes and we have hopefully moved on a bit from only married couples being allowed to have children.

I've raised my dd on my own, not used a sperm donor but she's never met her father. It's been hard at times but parenting is hard 🤷‍♀️

Huge , when a father buggers off the mother knows his name, his family, medical history, where he went to school, what job he done, who is friends were, what kind of man he was etc With a donor they know zilch.

I am 34 and I've thought about this a lot myself. I'm still very much on the fence.
It is selfish. You know it is. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad or wrong thing to do.

I would say that if you are going to do this, consider getting the sperm from a country that allows contact/tracing at 18 instead of the ones where it's completely anonymous. The child will inevitably have questions and want to know about their heritage at some point.

It sounds like you would have a lot of love for your child and that's the main thing children need.
Lots of families have two parents working full time and the child in nursery - that is just the cost of modern life - so I really don't buy the 'having a baby that has to go to nursery some of the time is bad'.
You might be able to work compressed hours to get more time with them too.
If it feels like it's right for you, and you have a lot of love to give to that child, then they would be lucky to have you.
Cherry on top that you have a great support network who could all play an important role in the child's life. Hope it goes well for you! I don't think it's selfish at all. It's the same instinct women in couples have too!

I guess lesbian couples are just shit out of luck then, hey?

-She didn't intend to be a single mother but my BIL died unexpectedly a few weeks into her pregnancy.

-She went through with the IVF abroad after being told he was in ICU and dying. She created a child she knew would never have a dad.

Not really tbh

But anyway, she knew the father of the baby so it's different IMO

Unless I've got that confused as well

Anyway im sorry or your loss and I hope your DN has a good life

Yes, it could selfish and backfired later. However, the main is to be very clear of what it takes.
I would ask your close circle of friends. I have some close ones who were in the same predicament. One I told her straight not to do it. She was just not the type of person to have children let alone doing it solo. She thank me later when the biological clock calmed down. A decade later she found love and happiness and never looked back on her decision.

@Combattingthemoaners It sounds like your DC is very well loved and wanted but do you not see any chance of any repercussions from what you have done later on in life?

Yes, I understand that. My sister still has photos of him in the house and talks about him openly and with affection. I do see the difference. I was just trying to reassure OP that she can cope as a single parent and her kid will most likely be fine. DN is a very happy kid and has added loads to all our family.

I'm stepping out now as I have too many conflicted feelings on this subject.

That's exactly what I meant by the difference! Single parent is one thing. Not knowing where you come from is another. Hope that makes sense.

Personally, pre-kids, I would have said go for it.

Having had children, I would say they need two parents. Obviously many manage without, but due to unforeseen circumstances.

I wouldn’t choose it.

It does yes.

I paid for my sister's IVF and have been very involved in his life so might be a bit too invested, can't imagine him not being here 😬

I think there are lots of things to think about
-can you financially support a child on your own, including when on mat leave

• who would look after the child if something hapenned to you, such as a short term hospital admission, or if you became unwell long term
• do you have a good family support network. The single parent families I know have thrived or struggled based on family support. Having a positive male role model such as a close uncle is also helpful. There are just some things giros want to talk to girls about, and boys to boys
• could you cope on your own if baby had a significant disability

I'm a single parent - not through choice though - I used to be really judgy of the single mum by choice women who deliberately use sperm donors - now im on the other side of the fence ....have to say my opinion hasn't changed. my children's father has limited involvement but my children still know who he is and have a good time with him when they do see him and have a wider family of grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

To be honest, no.

zero chance?

That's lovely 😊

Nothing is ever zero chance but it is not something I am worried about. I work with children who know their fathers - many are in prison, abusive, neglectful or have simply abandoned them. Our baby will grow up in a loving household. You’re convinced she will have a void in her life that I will never be able to repair or make up for. That is your opinion, you’re entitled to it and nothing I say will change your view. Take care.

The child is already here, what do you want them to do, put it back? Lesbian couples have a right to a family the same as hetero couples, just FYI 🙄