Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

Why? She went through with the IVF abroad after being told he was in ICU and dying. She created a child she knew would never have a dad. Because she was desperate to be a mother.

Obviously it's different circumstances but the principle is the same.

You go for it.
If you want and can manage a child on your own, why not.
Stuff all this 2 parent nonsense - ideally 2 loving and involved parents, but better one loving, caring mother than a mum struggling to protect her child from an unloving, uncaring or absent father.
You will fare better if you have a good network around you, it's very hard on your own.

Hi OP,

You seem to have asked for people's opinions, then get irritated when they don't align with what you want to hear.

I have no issue with someone going it alone. I certainly would have considered this myself.

As long as you want this, and will love your baby, and are going in eyes wide opened that it's bloody hardwork. Then why care what anyone else thinks?
Babies are wonderful.

Right the details have changed there. it read as though she was pregnant through IVF (his baby) and then your BIL died

also you said he died unexpectedly but she was told he was dying so I don't get it, sorry

I was a single mum after my marriage went tits up. My DC were 2 and 4. Life was easier without their father and he never saw them again after we divorced.

So, yes. Absolutely. 100%.

Just love your DC above all else, everyone else, and you'll be grand.

@Mildredpettigrew

A close friend of mine was in the same position as you age 35 having not met a partner. She had a daughter two years ago using a sperm donor through a private clinic. My experience having witnessed her go through this - it has worked out very well. Her daughter may have one parent but very supportive and involved grandparents who are very present in her life. My friend carefully worked out her finances and after maternity leave returned to work 3 days a week and was able to afford nursery time to cover those days. They have a secure and settled home and her daughter is the happiest little girl I have met and one of the brightest in her nursery class. My friend went through a lot doing this, in that people judged her, but starting a family with the wrong person can be extremely damaging. Her little girl is a very loved and wanted child. Don't be afraid of going down this route if that is what you feel is best for you. Wishing you all the best of luck!

You seem to have asked for people's opinions, then get irritated when they don't align with what you want to hear.

So many of the opinions are downright patronising!
We can add single-ist to the list of ists!

A child needs to be loved and supported. If you feel you can offer that alone OP then go for it.

Are you in a financial situation that could support this?

Do you have a strong support network around you?

If you can afford it, do it.
I'm sorry relationships ha en't worked out for you.

I agree with this.

She was abroad having IVF. She had the embryo implanted and then was called (three days later) to say he was in the ICU and unlikely to survive.

She was massively stressed about whether to prioritise coming home or continuing the TWW. But she decided to give DN the best chance - her fiancé was already in a coma. She got to see him before he died (as did I, he was one of my best mates).

Does that make it clearer?

I've known two women who did this. It came with rather a lot of challenges they didn't foresee. Those challenges would still have been there if the child had been born to a couple, but there would have been two people to deal with it all. Plus two lots of extended family to support.

One used random bloke off the internet for sperm. Twice. Both children turned out to have autism, one very severely. It turned out the man she got sperm from is also autistic but he hadn't mentioned this or anything else - she knew very little
about him. The mum hasn't been able to work since having them as all of her time is spent advocating for them running them between school, special school and appointments. They aren't able to be in wraparound care or holiday clubs. She is on a tiny income from benefits with no prospect of being able to improve that. She is happy but her life is very very hard.

The other used a registered sperm donor. Ended up with a very premature birth and months in NICU, which is VERY hard on a couple, let alone someone on their own. She supposedly had a supportive village around her but had assumed support rather than asking and quantifying it!

Kids are expensive, even if you buy secondhand equipment and clothes. Will your income alone be enough to cover rent/mortgage and childcare as well as everything else? Have you researched the cost of childcare where you live?

What is your support network like? We found getting support for things like dental appointments (someone to hold the baby whilst you have a filling type stuff) virtually impossible as many people aren't available in the day? How many people in your support network? Are they local? Available in the daytime? Might be prepared to do an overnight if needed? Could look after the child for a day or two if you're in hospital? Physically fit eg not relying on elderly parents for childcare.

And think through different scenarios. One of the things I found hardest was being ill but still having to keep going as there is a child to look after.

Child spends 24 hours throwing up = no sleep. They start recovering and bounding around full of energy. However, you caught it, so now you've got 24 hours of throwing up BUT have to make meals, look after child.

This is really hard to deal with even as a couple - we rag team it so one goes to lie down for a couple of hours whilst the other supervises - clearly single parents manage but it's incredibly hard.

Having a child to curb your own loneliness is the completely wrong reason. A child cannot affirm your existence or take the place in your heart of a romantic relationship.

Kids can be amazing but they can also be relentless and it’s tough. It’s also hard if it’s only you doing it, yes you can ask relatives or mates but it’s not the same as having someone there at 3am when the baby is crying for no reason and you’re at breaking point.

I also say as someone who never knew their father - it eats away at you and it’s cruel to orchestrate this intentionally. I will get flamed but frankly, I don’t care. Everyone deserves to know who they came from.

Have you considered a pet in the first instance? I don’t say this to be cruel, I genuinely am asking.

Absolutely this.

In my view it’s selfish, yes. No one has the right to have a child just because they want one imo.

I have a couple of friends who have gone it alone with double donors in their early 40s so actually I would consider you too young to be thinking about it now. I was 36 when I had my first child which isn't unusual these days.
I have another friend who started on the journey but it was very clear from the outset that her reasons for wanting a child were very selfish. She wasn't interested in the downsides of being a single parent and fully expected to live her current life, just with a child in tow (which most parents will admit isn't possible). Through the process she fell out with her parents as they refused to offer childcare (they're in their 80s...) in the situation where she buggered off on her travels leaving baby at home - which is what she was planning to do. She wasn't able to conceive in the end which is probably for the best.
Think about the reasons you want a child carefully and whether you would be happy going it alone. It would be tough.

No i think it is an awful thing to do. Will your child know who it's biological father is? I am sure they will have a wonderful Dad but everyone has a need to know who they are.

If you have the financial and emotional resilience/stability and practical support to be a good mum and provide your child with a secure, loving home, then I'd say there's no reason you shouldn't be a solo mum.

However -

• I (personally) think you're too young to go down this route. 33 is still plenty of time to meet someone.
• You sound in a negative mind-space - you've spent far more time on this thread complaining about men and your dating situation than considering what it would mean to be a solo parent and how you might overcome some of the challenges to provide a good home for a child.

I think you need to give this more careful thought and time.

Mildredpettigrew please read cantdoothis post headed "to think i can't be expected to cope with this"

Babies are not wonderful... They poo, cry, don't sleep and require constant care. Don't peddle nonsense.

Just on the point - what's the difference between a father abandoning their child and a donor conception. I can tell you that mum guilt is real and horrible. If something awful happens that's completely outside your control that is different to denying your child a father they can know and have a relationship with.

I agree entirely with this

Babies can be wonderful. They're not babies for very long. People need to think about whether they want a toddler, a preschooler, a teenager. Not whether they want a gurgling cooing gummy-smiling portable bundle.

You’re entitled to your opinion. He isn’t her father, he’s a donor. A father is someone who actively raises a child. She has two mums (one biological and one not, before you start with your vitriol of you can’t have two mums). Have a lovely evening.