There's absolutely nothing wrong with iPad at the table at a restaurant after a child centric day

[moomoomouseey]

Imagine a day, filled with child friendly activities on holiday. Think beach, biking sandcastles, swimming together, pool, diving, playgrounds, reading books together, drawing, child centred show in the evening, fun fair, trampoline jumping.. etc etc..

At the end of all this, you go out for a meal. You bring crayons and paper etc and other toys, but after a while, your children are restless and bored but you want to enjoy your meal. You get out the iPads with headphones and let your kids watch for a bit/ play educational games, while you enjoy your meal in peace.

Some judgy judgerpants walks past and thinks you're a bad parent.

Kids are 2 and 4 or 3 and 5.

But we don't know if they actually said anything or OP just thought they got the 'look'

I didn't let my kids near a screen, other than a bit of TV until they were a lot older. That doesn't mean I was right to do so, or parents who make other choices are wrong.

I'm more concerned you don't know how old your children are!

I’m not in favour of giving kids screens in this scenario, they should be taught to socialise and sit nicely to eat but parents don’t do that either. If I’m a fellow diner, I’d rather them be like quiet zombies on screens than running around screaming.

It seems rather old fashioned now to expect children to learn to live with a bit of boredom. Much to the detriment of their mental health later on, the evidence is suggesting. But much easier for parents to just stick a screen in front of them.

Because everything doesn’t need to be 100% child-centred all of the time, and the parents being allowed to eat a meal is pretty reasonable.

I think people are judgemental of inconsiderate behaviour rather than what other people do with their offspring, if they are raising them to entitled then yes judgement will happen. Ie sound on and flickering screens, when lazy parenting infringes on others, they have a right to complain.

My concern would be that there isn’t a magical age where kids snap into being able to sit nicely at the table and engage. They learn how to do this by practising it. If they’re given screens at 2 years old and then it’s decided they’re too old for them at 5, they’ve missed out on 3 years of learning how to sit nicely at the table and engage and it’s a much harder battle.

I see families going out for meals with older children and teens who can’t be dragged from their phones to participate in conversation and it’s sad for everyone. I worry that if table manners aren’t instilled from the outset, it’s only harder and harder to resolve.

It’s not an issue of judgment for me - I don’t think it’s bad parenting to use screens at mealtimes. It’s not a sign the kids aren’t loved, cherished and cared for well. But from a purely practical perspective I think it’s storing up a much larger and harder problem for the future.

I wouldn't judge anyone for it and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I saw a family doing this and certainly wouldn't assume they're a bad parent - I know I'm just getting a tiny snapshot of their life so not anything close to enough to judge on. But personally would I do this, no. I like mealtimes for the social connection they offer and I personally don't like devices at the table.

I think children go to more grown up restaurants now than they used to, possibly enabled by iPads etc. Chicken and egg situation I think.

The rule we had as kids was never at the table. That said I'm not a parent and each family makes their own rules. I see eating together as a time of connecting.

Ds is 14. He is mainly tube fed and has autism amongst his list of disabilities.

I have recently been away with him for a couple of days, during the days he complelty pushed himself out of his comfort zone.

Selfishly I need to eat so when we went to the hotel’s restaurant he played on his iPad. We did talk about what he was looking at and it allowed him to decompress a bit while I ate.

When ds was younger I was very much of the mentality “don’t give children phones when out” but then life taught me not to judge and as long as it’s not negatively impacting you then don’t worry about what works for others. You’re seeing a tiny snippet of their life.

It's different because of the effect that screens have on children, completely absorbing their attention with bright colours and sounds, and pulling them away from what is going on around them.

It's a very different thing to colouring or a toy, where they are still aware of their surroundings and 'reachable'.

I'm not someone who demonises screens at all and I think they have their time and place and can be really beneficial in a lot of ways - but the fact is - they are different to other forms of play/ entertainment, and they have a different effect on children's brains and attention. There is a lot of science around this, it's not just being 'weird about screens'.

(And also, if people think giving a child an iPad is no different to colouring or toys, then why do they choose to use them instead of those?)

Mine never had devices in a restaurant, and now they have phones they're not allowed them when we're eating. My DN is addicted to his phone,always has it in restaurants which I don't like, but he's not my child!

As long as no volume, I can't see that it's anyone's business but I personally don't think it's a great route to go down, especially so young

I wouldn't comment, but if I'm entirely honest I would silently judge you. I think screens at the table are bad manners, and I prefer to encourage table manners and conversation with my children. I also think it is inconsiderate to other diners. Even with headphones on you can see the screen flashing etc.

But I do appreciate that it is harder if you don't eat out regularly and so haven't been able to model appropriate behaviour and expectations in restaurants as much. And of course I imagine there are some kids with SEN where it is genuinely the only way their parents are getting five minutes to eat, but that won't be the vast majority.

Yes I agree.

Personally, I don't like it and have only ever allowed mine to have a tablet on the plane (plus homework now for eldest).

BUT, I agree that in your circumstances it's not a big deal and just one of those choices that different families make. Mine probably watch more TV at the weekend than yours, or maybe eat less veg.

I certainly wouldn't comment on another family's choices based on a snapshot. Although I might want to if they weren't using headphones! (I know yours were.)

It's a bit shit when someone behaves like that OP, and it can get under your skin. Take no notice.

Of course they did! Mine did anyway. My sister is four years younger so I can remember going out for dinner when I was maybe 6 and she was 2. I had a Gameboy too but for the car etc, I certainly wouldn't have been allowed it anywhere near a restaurant. If you were raised that way, maybe that's had an impact?

I don't really care about your toddler if I'm honest, if they were distressed I'd hope you'd take them outside to calm them down. You know, parent them, even if it means you don't get to enjoy your meal as much as you'd like. If you want to enjoy meals out 100% of the time, don't have kids.

Parents actively engaging 100% of the time is the direct opposite of what I'm saying though. It's about teaching the children to occupy themselves or join in with conversation. You might feel yours are too little, but if you don't lay the foundations now do you really think you'll be able to start when they're 5 or 8 or 12? No, they'll be expecting a screen! And they'll tantrum, and you won't want to make a scene then either.

Yabu. It's a bad habit and so the better choice is a better balance of activities I e less child focused so they can tolerate dinner or chippy tea.

If you have the sound off then it isn't really my problem so I don't care.

But i personally think if you need to use an ipad to regulate neurotypical kids at a table, they are either still learning or it's the wrong time of day or choice of activity for them. Kids need to learn how to behave and regulate and as long as parents are actively trying to help their kids learn the necessary social skills, I don't think anyone minds a bit of noise.

But honestly, I think its a bit shit to use the ipad as a babysitter. People chose kids so they either need to teach them and include them or get an actual babysitter. Sorry.

I don’t like to see it, never did it & would silently “judge” (no one knows what else you’ve did that day you could be “neglectful” all the time)
wouldn’t judge out loud as it’s not my kids so not my choice & nothing to do with me.

We’ve managed days like that followed by a meal many times with 3 kids & still never resorted to tablets but mine have always been quite well behaved at tables

Well lots of perfect parents, loads - wow, so many of you are bloody awesome. I bet you’ve all got tonnes of awards (printed off your own computer) congratulating you on your perfectness 🙄.

Prior to having children and any understanding of neurodivergency, there was a time of be ignorant enough to think ‘oh my child would not be allowed to do that’. But now, being wiser and more educated, I’ve learnt my child’s iPad really regulates him when we’re out and about and there’s no harm caused. He certainly doesn’t spend hours and hours on it each day, but it has its place. No, I didn’t have one growing up in the eighties and nineties but that was decades ago now and things change. My little boy eats better than I ever did, he experiences things I never did…

Honestly OP you sound like you have the right balance ☺️

It seems rather old fashioned now to expect children to learn to live with a bit of boredom. Much to the detriment of their mental health later on, the evidence is suggesting.

Can you share the evidence for this please? I'm interested

My DC are older and have left home now but from a young age we'd all sit at the table and eat our evening meal together myself and DH would never sit scrolling on a mobile device and knew we wouldn't like it if the DC grew up to think it acceptable so it wasn't something we allowed them to do as youngsters whether at home or when eating out.

I mean… they’re practicing by being taken to restaurants aren’t they.

It’s hardly ‘storing up a problem for the future’ by actually… taking your child out to these places so they have experience of them and learn about how to behave there.

Im usually armed with a whole range of toys etc to help keep my toddlers entertained in restaurants - but sometimes they lose interest in those things and watching a screen will get them to sit still. They’re very small - there is no rationalising with them.

Parents are damned if they do and damned if they don’t quite frankly.

It’s her way of answering the question. Stop closing people down.

I do this, and don't care what others think - as long as it's not impacting on them (i.e not using headphones/having volume off which is really inconsiderate) it's none of their business.

I don’t care what anyone else does but I do think there is something wrong with it for my own children as I would like them to learn to be bored without constantly needing a screen the second they aren’t being entertained in some way. However, I have still given them a screen to keep them quiet while waiting for food in restaurants even though I don’t feel comfortable with it because sometimes it’s just better for everyone’s sanity to take the easy option.

I wouldn’t let my kids watch a screen while they were eating though, just the same as I wouldn’t allow them to watch a screen at the dinner table at home, that’s just a line I’ve drawn with my own family though. You can do what you like with yours!