Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

I'm sorry, but I think you are being unreasonable. If it goes through you, won't it go through the GPs also, who have already done their childrearing duty? If it happens, all well and good, that's lovely, but nobody has a right to expect it.

Sorry, but I probably wouldn’t put grandparents through that.

We are in a similar situation and while I don't expect help, it would be so lovely if it were offered. Dh and I are on our arses with work and juggling childcare. We haven't had a break since our youngest was born 3 years ago and it's taken its toll on us.

I honestly can't imagine not wanting to keep my dc even as adults and I do find it very hurtful. But I've just had to accept that we don't have that support. Yanbu to feel sad about it though.

Different grandparents act in different ways. They may have found NT grandchildren hard to cope with but in the situation you describe above regarding your autistic son I suspect they already know they wouldn't be able to handle him especially when you say you find his meltdowns hard.

Have you told your parents how you are struggling and need help? How does your partner feature in this? Can they not give you a break from time to time?

Maybe you need to actually spell out you would appreciate some help. Maybe they see you coping and worry of offending by offering help.

My kids are older now, however they never stayed at their grandparents, we saw them and still do regularly at least weekly but they live in the next road so literally no need to stay over.
My siblings had children much later and their infant school aged children stay at my parents regularly. They also live in walking distance, my nephew has autism and my parents have them almost as respite care so my brother and SIL get a break.

I am sorry whilst our family norm has been to have rota to ensure the parents have respite to our now adult relative with complex behavioural challenges.

A lot of people are afraid and unless they are onboard from the very start I don't see it changing.

Have you any budget to engage someone with sen experience for the odd hour or two? I know of a few trainee SEN teachers who offen child mind during their summer break.

I’m sorry that you are struggling but YABU because it is entirely your choice to have children and entirely the grandparents choice to not help because they didn’t choose to have your children .

So you have had troubles with your first child so had another one and now you have more trouble and now are upset grandparents won't help? How could they cope more?

No wat would I subject my mum or DH mum to what you are describing.

They look after our kids when we need to go away for something at the same time (both do competitive sport) but not to do housework.

It would be nice, but lots don’t. Personally, I’m planning on being supportive if my kids eventually have kids - to whatever extent I’m able and they want me. I wouldn’t want them struggling as I have.

We grew up seeing grandparents regularly with parents. My own grew up seeing grandparents regularly with me. Yes babysitting if it was needed in unusual circumstances rather than a regular night out so can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times its happened. There is no one way, my dc are incredibly close with grandparents and as adults have a completely independent relationship with them.

I think there are so many factors in play so you can’t say it’s normal or not.
i know people whose children stay at their parents every single weekend. I don’t think that’s normal.

My SIL tried to force this kind of relationship on my PIL. They were crap with children though, were very hands off parents themselves when DH/BIL were young. Uninvolved parents will usually be uninvolved grandparents. The children just got upset/bored at being sent there all the time so she had to stop.

I don’t get any break from DD, but she’s mine, that’s the way it is.

Very local and supportive grandparents here but we don't have sleepovers regularly, only once in a while for a special occasion eg wedding or big birthday. Usally we see them altogether.

Nice your friends have grandparents who take the kids regularly but not the norm in my experience.

Does sound like you need a break though, could partner have kids for the afternoon/day sometimes. And you do the same for him?

It's worth bearing in mind an ASD child may find staying away from home deeply traumatic regardless of the enthusiasm of grandparents.

I never did a sleepover anywhere as my homesickness was overwhelming.

You’re looking at this the wrong way.

In some families, some grandparents have grandchildren regularly, for overnight stays or childcare. In some families, they don’t. just because this is typical in some families, doesn’t mean your parents should have to do it.

Having a child with additional needs may well mean your parents find this too much for them. Just because you’d like a weekend off every month, doesn’t mean they are obliged to do it, sadly.

Whilst I sympathise, what you describe would be something I definitely would not feel comfortable getting involved in, even as a grandparent. You've also not said how old your parents are?

I don't have loads of help and my parents have my child maybe once or twice a year overnight if we have a wedding or something to go to.

What stung for me was the promises of help when i was pregnant but they got frustrated with the reality of it.

We now organise our lives as if there is no help and it's a bonus when my parents say they can babysit. We are happy to have the break and I know my parents enjoy the time that much more.

Maybe speak to your parents about how much you're struggling as they may not realise? Be prepared for them not offer help though, but they might surprise you.

I think it varies so much and has to be led by what the grandparents are comfortable with. My parents are amazing and have my DS a lot for childcare in the day but they don't do sleepovers apart from very rare special occasions. I wouldn't push them to do something they aren't keen to do but understand your desperation.
Could you say your struggle and ask if they could help with some options e.g. take one child for an afternoon or spend the day together so you can focus on one child and them the other but your still in the house if he gets upset? Or maybe they don't want to do childcare but could help in others ways? Financially or doing some housework or cooking to help you out.

I think it's a bonus if grandparents want to do it, not an expectation that they should.

My paternal grandparents used to babysit me and I'd stay over. It wasn't every week or every fortnight but it was regularly and I loved it. My mums sister lived near the coast and I would stay with her for a week during the holidays regularly.

My dad kept a diary and I can see how often I stayed at my aunts or grandparents while my parents went to a show or did some decorating.
When my son was born I lived very very close to my parents and they were happy to babysit a lot which was obviously great however, my son was a terrible sleeper and they didn't want a disturbed nights sleep. I would have been forever grateful if they would have just had him overnight occasionally so my husband and I could just sleep but no. He was 10 years old the first time he slept there.
My grandson took after my son re sleeping so my husband and I suggested we had him on a Friday night ( we were both working full time) which meant that my son could get a full nights sleep and we could catch up on Saturday night.
My parents absolutely idolised my son but not ever giving us a night's break did affect how I thought about them. Of course it's not obligatory to look after your grandchildren but when I read my dads diary back and see how often I stayed with other family members I think it would have been lovely had they offered to help.

My parents would never babysit my child or help out, if they did they would expect payment at at least the market rate for a nanny. On the other hand my own grandparents did a huge amount of the parenting for my parents and expected nothing for it.

Different grandparents take different approaches and it’s up to them, the parents should not expect anything. Agree with OP that it would be lovely to have more support, but ultimately I chose to have a child and therefore don’t think others (including my parents) have a responsibility to help.

A night every week or fortnight is a hell of a lot!

YABU to expect childcare.

BUT, I think it's normal for family to help each other to some extent. Things do sound very difficult for you. Is there something you could ask the grandparents for that would ease things a little? Would your eldest cope with a few hours with them? Or could the baby go for a few hours in the day when they don't need to feed or sleep?

I think expecting them to take both or do overnights may be a bit much, but I would see if you can think of something doable that would help.

I wish all grandparents helped out, it would make parenting so much easier. My parents live locally. They have only had one child, once for 3.5 hours. They said they didnt wish to do it again, because she cried. Intead of interacting with the toddler or distracting her, they chose to ignore her. They left her to cry, for hours! They are now teens, and didn't shed a tear when nanny died because they didn't really know her. Grandparents cannot have it both ways, they can't refuse to help but expect to be bonded with grandchildren. Because when grandparents detach, the same happens from the grandchildren too.

I used to go and stay with Grandparents in the holidays and it was a treat. It's a shame that your children's Grandparents aren't willing to have them or at least your older DS but maybe they'll be more willing when the children are older? It may be that they are not confident that they could manage your DS's meltdowns and feel anxious about it. Could you have a chat with them about it? They might be more willing to help if you explain that you're finding it a struggle.

Apart from when I was hospitalised for haemorrhaging during a miscarriage, my mother never had dc1 or dc2 for more than an hour during the day. She never babysat in the evening. She had my siblings’ children overnight and for days at a time 🤷🏼‍♀️
My MIL babysat once, when we came back at 9pm after 2 hour out, she was standing at the door with her coat on. I never asked her again.

None of us ever stayed at my paternal grandparents (my maternal grandfather and his partner were very rarely seen despite living within 10 miles), although I did enjoy spending time with my paternal grandmother, she was lovely despite a horrible life with my grandfather.