Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

I hate the standard MN hoity toity response on this subject that no, grandparents shouldn't be expected to look after DCs or help out in any way and to expect anything at all is unreasonable.

If I thought any of my DCs were struggling, I'd want to help out in any way I could. Isn't that the same for most parents?

My mum certainly went above and beyond helping me when my DCs were little and I'll be sure to pay that forward if at all possible.

You think they could take your eldest DC to the park and for an ice cream for a few hours. You said he's hard work; he'll likely be much less hard work for attentive grandparents when he hasn't got to compete for attention with a baby.

YANBU

Grandparents do our childcare 3 days a week for work plus sleepovers for a wedding/birthday/date night.

I hope to do similar for my kids when their older.

It makes for a much better parenting experience with regular breaks and our family is so close as a result.

I completely agree. Love people and stories like that. Love and humanity in action and what goes around often comes back around.

You’ve almost just agreed with what everyone has said though. You WANT to help and that is amazing, it’s lovely when grandparents want to help out and do these things. Nobody is disagreeing with that.

What people are saying is that grandparents don’t HAVE to, and shouldn’t be expected to. It’s lovely if they want to and offer, but it’s not compulsory or a given.

You want to, so you can and will. Others don’t want to, and don’t have to.

I feel really torn on threads like this.

On one hand, I think it's natural to want your parents to help out and to expect some kind of support in difficult times, but equally if I found my children as difficult as you seem to find yours, I'm not sure I'd feel it was fair to ask my parents for any kind of help either - you have to be realistic, as upsetting as that can be.

If you're oldest is five and you haven't been offered any help from either side, I think you need to start looking into paid help of some kind if you need some respite, or take the "divide and conquer" approach as much as possible.

So I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset about the lack of support, but I do think at some point you have to get over it and figure out your own solutions.

I think it's so sad some grandparents/extended family don't have children to stay. I loved staying with my grandparents and aunts and uncles when I was little. And I had my nephew and nieces stay with me and I loved spending time together. In my opinion it's what families are all about.

@THisbackwithavengeance

You think they could take your eldest DC to the park and for an ice cream for a few hours. You said he's hard work; he'll likely be much less hard work for attentive grandparents when he hasn't got to compete for attention with a baby.

You don't know this though . He may find it hard to cope outside of his normal routine and be even more difficult for his grandparents to cope with eg what if he was to run off ?

Problem is, I am likely to be late 60s before I have any grandchildren. Sadly I won't actually want to look after them 3 days a week. Not to say I wouldn't be around, help out etc, but being an unpaid nanny will not appeal in the slightest. Unfortunately I think childcare is the responsibility of the parents to address.

All families are different and have different capabilities though.

OP's child has autism - a change in routine could spell absolute disaster. My grandparents were in their eighties when I was born -they couldn't have done any kind of regular childcare whatsoever, let alone sleepovers. Some grandparents still work full-time and don't have time for childcare, others still have children at home themselves.

I personally don't feel like it's fair to say it's "sad" that some people do things differently - there's no one way to be a family.

Mine are 8 and 5 and have never stayed overnight with grandparents. They haven't offered and I doubt they could manage to get the kids to sleep anyway.

I think weekly or fortnightly childcare is a lot to expect but I am a bit sorry that we never get any overnight care - not even to attend a wedding.

Last year, we had our 10th wedding anniversary while on holiday with my parents and they still didn't offer to babysit.

Well I probably wouldn't be looking after grandkids that have meltdowns and scream tbh

My Mum only once had the DC to stay overnight, and she brought them back before 8am the next morning. However, what she did do was come over to my house and help out in the evenings sometimes, so playing with one or more of the DC, helping with dinner, being an extra pair of hands while I was there.
Would any of the GP be able to do that? So reading a story or making something with one of them, leaving you free to focus on the other.

Well good for you.

I think a lot of this maybe to go with age and working. Many people used to have kids about 25 ish. Got grandparents were early 50s and many women workedpart time.

A couple of generations down grandparents are either older( over 70 ) or if younger working full time

They would expect to be paid.
That's such a weird idea.

dc have stayed with my mum a few times, and the in-laws only once or twice. But we don’t really ask because they have sil children so often. The in-laws have sil children at least once a month, sometimes more. She actively encourages it, they look after them a lot in general but always look shattered so we don’t ask unless we really need to.

It is unreasonable to expect grandparents to have children to stay if they won't sleep well or if they are very challenging children like your kids seem to be.
How would they feed DC2 to sleep?
How would they keep DC1 happy with toys in separate area?
Could you gently involve the grandparents in away that is enjoyable for them and the kids and in away that helps them become more familiar with your childrens' needs.

I suggest that you explain to grandparents that you are barely coping and would love some help. You can only ask and see what happens.
Invite grandparents over for a meal more often and to help you with stories and bath time.
Try having grandparents play with DC1 upstairs for an hour.
Try having grandparents take DC2 for a long weekly walk in the pram.
Grandparents could be asked to babysit for short sessions, every week or two at times when your children will cope (and you go walking etc. or focus on just one child).

My parents live 250 miles away, MIL sadly passed away, FIL isn’t physically capable of doing anything other than the odd school pickup. In summary, we have next to zero help grandparent wise but if we did I wouldn’t expect it given the situation you’ve described.

It isn't unreasonable to expect that your grandparents would want to spend time with their grandchildren even if that means having to deal with challenging behaviour. Yours don't want to it's unlikely to change so you just have to live with that. In the end they will be the ones who miss out as when they are older and lonely and moaning about their friends adult grandchildren visiting and taking them out places their grandchildren won't know them well enough to bother with.

My children have grown up with uninvolved disinterested grandparents and now they have no relationship with them, with people you get out what you put in.

You can spend time with grandchildren without having them overnight though

I'm a Granny to four ASD boys.
Eldest 19.. youngest 9.
I've had them all stay over from being 1 years ( when they stopped being EBF) at least once a week.
9 year old stays at least once a week now.
They all live 15 mins walk away.
Sometimes I've had more than one for a few days.
That's what families do.. well all my sisters / relatives / friends do the same.
Yes being ASD is hard work..
But l wouldn't have them any other way.

I do childcare for Grandson 5, I will also have him if dd wants to do something or go somewhere without him, her db babysits in an evening if she wants but I won't have him sleep over and have removed the spare bed now anyway. He isn't the best sleeper and gets up at the crack of dawn so it's best he stays where he is happiest. He and ds have plans for him to stay at his house when he is a little older though.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, if my child was struggling I would want to help them as much as physically possible (without burning myself out).

I have very similar parents who aren’t interested in helping with our kids and I hate the phrase “I’ve done my time” which makes it sound like we were so awful to have they won’t want to repeat it.

People wonder why mental health is getting worse, it’s always it’s not my problem we shouldn’t help others, screw other people. It’s was their decision they should lay in their bed.

I hope I get the privilege of being a grandparent and I will 100% support my children as much as physically possible.

Not unreasonable to want a break.

Unreasonable to expect anyone else to give you that. Your parents/PIL have done their bit, it is not unreasonable for them not to want your dc overnight. It is now you and your dh's turn to raise your family.

You and your dh need to work out how to support each other. Your dh can take the kids to the park for a couple of hours to give you a break or to get stuff done around the house or vice versa. You could have a day and night away from home if you need a break if your dh is at home, stay with a friend or family.

It depends on their energy and tolerance levels, and their ages. They may not be able to manage a ND 5 year old's meltdowns. Can your DH give you a break for a few hours?