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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

142 replies

confusedthirtysomething2 · 01/08/2024 10:34

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

OP posts:
User990 · 01/08/2024 11:13

Yabu they are your kids. I feel for you but it was your choice to have kids...

SeeSeeRider · 01/08/2024 11:13

Lot of entitled sounding parents on here.

sesquipedalian · 01/08/2024 11:13

If your child is autistic, would he actually be happy going to stay with his grandparents? My children used to stay occasionally with my parents, but more often we would all go as a family, so that when they did have to stay on their own, it was a familiar environment. Also, my mother was particularly good with small children - not everyone is.

PrincessPeache · 01/08/2024 11:14

Did you parents or PIL provide any help when it was just your first child? Did they express any concerns about you having a second child when you already had a child with special needs?

Teenagerantruns · 01/08/2024 11:15

My parents used to take my kids on holiday for a week once a year, and often had them over half term and a week in the summer holidays so l could work. They lived 3 hours away, if they lived nearer l expect they would have had them more often, l never asked they always offered and they were both working so took holidays to have my kids.
My ex inlaws on other hand had no interest and never once offered to babysit , that was fine by me as well,.

angstridden2 · 01/08/2024 11:16

I adore my gcs, we look after them regularly and have done since they were born.They occasionally sleep over or we stay at theirs while parents go away for a weekend. I hate getting up early but it’s not often.However they were great sleepers and tbh I wouldn’t have wanted to mind a child who was awake half the night or a child who had regular meltdowns. I’m too old and really need my sleep.

Shaketherombooga · 01/08/2024 11:19

Given your child’s additional needs they perhaps feel that they couldn’t look after him ‘properly’?
None of our GPs are local but they will come and stay and look after the kids, or have them when we visit. It is tough when there’s no family around.
If you need a break you’re going to have to look to your DP to take some time off and have the eldest.

MrsWeaverTheBeaver · 01/08/2024 11:19

My kids are 5 (with ASD) and 3. My parents aren't close but I never expect help from them. They will help if they can but the kids are tiring and my parents are not getting any younger. I take it as a bonus that we have someone who can sometimes take them if needed.

I get it, it's really hard sometimes and I never expected our kids to have additional needs but this is where we are and i don't expect help from family for the situation we are in. What I do expect is more holiday provisions for SEN kids but that's another story!

Comicalanatomical · 01/08/2024 11:21

It’s not up grandparents to take care of your children. You’re being unreasonable and entitled.

lilyrabbit2 · 01/08/2024 11:22

Comicalanatomical · 01/08/2024 11:21

It’s not up grandparents to take care of your children. You’re being unreasonable and entitled.

It's a really sad world when you are 'entitled' for hoping for support from your own family. My dc will never have to feel that way about me.

ramsayboltonshounds · 01/08/2024 11:23

My sister, cousin & I stayed with our grandparents every Saturday night and during the school holidays we would all go to her caravan for the full six weeks. I am lucky that my parents do exactly the same. Our son stays out every Saturday and he goes away with them both in the UK & abroad. My in-laws have him twice a week after school. I hope I'm in the same position to help him when/if he has children. I know that our parents don't view it as 'childcare' though and more spending time with their grandchild.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2024 11:25

I'm sorry op and I say this as someone who struggles for help for similar but different reasons.

You have a high needs child who screams and has meltdowns, who isn't able to share, who isn't able to control their emotions. You have a breast fed child who won't sleep without breast. You cannot expect anyone to do that bar you AND YOUR HUSBAND. He's the one who needs to step up. I'm so sorry you're struggling but this is something he needs to support and help with. Very few people get help with complex kids which is shit but true.

Butterflyfern · 01/08/2024 11:27

Can your DH do more to help? Do you have joint tactics/plans?

Eg could DH put your youngest to bed, so milk just isn't an option?

Koalaslippers · 01/08/2024 11:28

Different people do things differently. My DC stay at one set of GP sometimes in school holidays, GP volunteer and enjoy having them.
The other side we see one GP all together due to distance DC staying on their own wouldn't be practical. The other GP we don't see much as they are not interested. So a complete spread in one family.

My main points about your situation are to ask for help but also that you don't want someone looking after your dc that doesn't want to do it.

cadburyegg · 01/08/2024 11:28

People tell me I'm very lucky that my mum helps with after school childcare. They are right, I am. But they all have supportive husbands, and I'm a single parent. So I don't empathise with them I'm afraid! Be grateful for what you do have.

KreedKafer · 01/08/2024 11:29

It is unreasonable to ‘expect’ grandparents to help out, yes. If they want to, great. But only if they enjoy it and feel able. They did their years of looking after small kids when they had their own small kids. They shouldn’t be ‘expected’ to provide care for yours.

I get that it’s hard, but you’re the parent and you chose to have children. They are not the parents and they shouldn’t be under obligation to give you a weekend off. I’m really sorry but this isn’t their problem to fix.

lilyrabbit2 · 01/08/2024 11:30

I also would add that I was a child who spent every weekend at my grandparents and lots of time during the holidays too. But my parents who chose that for me do not want to do any childcare. It seems to be quite a common theme in my age group to be honest. It's sad. I loved time with my grandparents.

HS1990 · 01/08/2024 11:39

I never expected my parents to help. They have done the odd evening stay and of course our go to in emergencies but nothing on a routine basis.

I've learned to make life easier for myself. For instance I never pursued long term breast feeding but encouraged both my kids to bottle feed and hold the bottle independently. Little things like that make a HUGE difference. You'll find something that works for you x you're doing a great job

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/08/2024 11:42

Never expect someone else to look after a child you chose to have, except when you are paying for it i.e. Nursery / babysitter

elliejjtiny · 01/08/2024 11:42

My pil will help out very occasionally with my younger ones (aged 10-13) but only when we are desperate. They have the older ones (aged 16-18) more often (they are so much easier) and they have my nieces (aged 8-10) regularly for childcare and overnight. I would love for my younger ones to stay once a month as they are autistic and don't sleep but PIL understandably don't want to and they admit that they are more willing to look after my nieces because they are much easier.

Fundays12 · 01/08/2024 11:42

Unfortunately as I have found grandparents and family only want to care for "easy' grandkids in lost cases. The parents in DH family with NT kids who really don't need much support get endless help to "give them a break". The other parents whose kids are ND and desperately need support get virtually nothing. My oldest is ND and is much easier now. We now have offers to "babysit" him despite him not actually needing a babysitter now at any point except evening time. We decline and pay a babysitter who we have used for years.

BingoBangow · 01/08/2024 11:45

On the one hand I agree that it shouldn’t be a presumption that they GP should look after kids, as is there right to say ‘I’ve been there done that and find it too much’

however…..

I do think those that have such involved GP are extremely fortunate and it certainly will be more beneficial to everyone all around having the luxury.

Tourmalines · 01/08/2024 11:48

Grandparents here . Very involved with DG . Use to babysit when both her parents worked on the weekends . Long full days on the weekends , and we developed an amazing bond . She also started sleeping over this year and they never lived far . But they have just moved a lot further away because it suits their life style more , so we won’t have her as much and I will miss her .

upto10andbackagain · 01/08/2024 11:50

I had my children late in life and my dm was too old . We never did sleepovers even when I had an operation . Just me and DH . Yes it would have been nice but hey .

I think you may need to look at outside help . Maybe self refer to social services to access befriending services or disability groups . I used to be part of this work and the children with Asd really enjoyed it and it gave the parents much needed respite. All the best

RedPony1 · 01/08/2024 11:53

It's not normal in our family. My parents were never looked after by their GC's, We were never looked after by our GC's and my nieces and nephews are never looked after by my parents. (my parents are so busy in retirement that their feet barely touch the ground!!)