Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

i dont think grandparents should be expected to help with childcare, but as a grandparent myself i would and do want to help my DD.

have you had an actualy conversation with them? and if i read correctly DD is 5 and is still breast feeding is that correct? or have i missed a child somewhere? how are GP going to be able to deal with that?

perhaps you could ask for help which is other than childcare.. maybe help with some chores, or even just an hour here and there?

Maybe the GP's will come good when the children are older and easier.

Sadly you can't expect help. Getting respite/a TA is a good idea, plus getting more support from her partner.

Your eldest is controlling the home environment. Sometimes it takes someone outside of the dynamic to point this out, so that changes can be made. Listen to and try these changes.

I say this as a parent of three, one autistic.

Remarried and now a step grandmother. Have had two overnights so far. Absolutely lovely, but it is exhausting. We say 'how on earth did we manage this when we were younger?!' We're all getting older and they've had their parenting years x

Have you talked to your parents and in-laws about it and asked? I think that having the 5 year old on their own could be manageable for them, but certainly not the two together.

Out of interest, how do parents of autistic children deal with the sibling issues going forward? Your one year old is going to want to get his hands on the older ones toys for many years to come. In a NT situation, there would an expectation of sharing most toys (maybe not some very precious ones) but will an autistic child share? I honestly have no idea.

My grandparents were open house for us 3 and I honestly would have had a shabby childhood without them.
I'm a believer in it takes a village to raise a child
My own kids haven't had close grandparents.
As a gran I've always tried to have my gran as my role model but I don't know how she did it.

I think a lot of GPS are just selfish. What is life about if it's not about family. But I know plenty who just don't.
Yanbu OP.

I can understand your parents being worried about having both DC together as you are struggling to manage yourself. Have you asked if they could take baby for a couple of hours so you could focus on autistic DC.

Won't they take one child for a an hour or two?
I can fully understand why they wouldn't want a baby and a difficult 5 year old (or in fact any children with such an age gap) but either one on their own would still give you a break.

My in-laws used to take my DC for a week every year in the summer holidays. My in-laws lived by the seaside so kids couldn't wait to go. Mil cooked all their favourite meals and both mil and fil took the week off from work and took DC out somewhere nice every day. My younger son once cried when we went to collect them. My kids were not even their biological DGC. Now my kids have grown up and my fil sadly died and my mil old my 2 DS's drive 140 miles each way to go to visit my mil who is Nan to them and take her a bunch of flowers or take her out for a cream tea. If dgp care for kids when they are young the DGC grow up and give back.

We have overnights every couple of months with grandson - it would probably be a little be more if he wasn't such hard work, but we both work full time still and SD generally expects us to both collect him and drop him off afterwards (it's a 50 minute each way trip) so that makes it harder. OP - sorry but I probably wouldn't want to look after either of yours for more than a couple of hours due to baby still breastfeeding and older child being challenging.

Speaking as a grandparent myself, I wouldn’t be able to confidently manage your children overnight. How old are your parents? I’m 65 and reasonably fit, I do babysit my GC but I’m exhausted after a few hours with a 2 year old and it takes me a day to recover after a sleepover.

This is just harsh. Why wouldn't you want help ? And help from your parents of all ppl? It's different when you're in the thick of it. An outsider will come in and take the heat off that parent and it's just a form of support.

Op I think your parents and inlaws are selfish. If you can't help your kids then who will you help. You're not asking them to move in and take the kids full time ... you're asking for some help. Op can you explain this to your own mum at least and ask what's the bare minimum she can do to give you some support. Wishing you all the best and I hope things improve op.

Similar to me. I do two days a week ( 1 for each of my children) and sleepovers in the holidays. My husband is very hands on but it does take a while for us a while to recover. OP, I could not cope with having your two children at the same time. Could you ask if they will take one of them?
It is completely your decision how long you want to breastfeed for but if you want to stop, could you ask if they take the older one for a couple of days while you do? It usually just takes 2 days of screaming at night before they accept it.
As parents of young children you have to accept that administration and jobs round the house are not done.

I do feel very sorry for you.

You’re unreasonable to expect them to provide childcare, it would be nice if they offered of wanted to but you can’t ask or expect that.

This is so nice. Bless your sons and your inlaws . Really lovely hear to such a positive story . Xx

All I am saying is no parent has a right to expect grandparents to take on childcare. It's nice if they do, sure, but they don't have a duty to do it.

How are they supposed to get your ds to sleep ?.Yes it's nice if they offer but it's up to them .I was lucky my dm did and I do have my dgc but seldom overnight as parents din't wish that .But it was and is to help out cos of work commitments .

My kids grandparents have always been very involved.
my youngest will go for a sleepover about 1x month, the older one doesn’t like sleepovers so he stays home. otherwise we see them multiple times per week.

Aside from sleepovers etc , it’s sad to hear that your parents and your partners parents can see you struggle and not act to help even in small ways. If you haven’t already , I’d make sure you communicate with them how tough things are at present. they may find taking the children for long periods too
much but I wonder if there are things you could suggest that might help you out abit.

Why don't they have a duty to help ? What's the reason ? Let their daughter sink from the pressure is better ? Seriously not having a pop at you just want to understand why there's no duty to help this woman out ? And I don't mean step in and take the kids every night but even an offer of something like a couple.of hours ?

I'm so sorry OP but I think that your answer there is that grandparents may find caring for your little boy just too much because of his additional needs, and it would also be difficult with your younger child if he is still breastfeeding .

You have my sympathy because it sounds very stressful for you - but I can understand that for grandparents who have less energy, it would be even harder .

Regarding your question in general, we had limited support from grandparents because as older parents ourselves, our own parents were older and not in the best of health .

You’re struggling to cope. Would they cope?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable under the circumstances for them not to offer. DGCs are hard work for GPs and when the children have additional needs and breastfeeding it would be very difficult. I hope you can get some support OP but don’t think badly of the GPs for not being that support for you at the moment.

Did the grandparents stay at your house so you could go out?

When DC were younger they stayed at my parents house around once a month. As they got to primary school age and wanted to play games or interact more DM lost interest and they stopped staying overnight. She recently tried to start it up again now they are late teens and they declined but still spend time with her at our house or lunches out. They have never stayed at MILs as the house is always cold, damp and her hygiene is not the best so they didn't want to and its not somewhere we spend much time. She is a fantastic grandparent and comes to our house to see them.

My own childhood is different from how my own are raised. I remember long summers spent at my maternal grandmother's house, lots of weekend stays too. Yet I don't get that luxury. 🤔 I have made peace with it now though. Its not meant to be. My parents had two, I have four, so much different in terms with what's manageable. Two have additional needs. Too much to expect ultimately.

I’m sorry to hear it’s tough OP: he does sound quite a little master of the house!

I think sometimes things can look different from the outside and the time with GP isn’t always the supportive reprieve it can look like. So one set of our gp visit regularly but there is no way it is about helping. On the contrary, we have to kind of deep clean and prepare a meal or they comment negatively! Then when they come it’s like the royals visiting a nursery or something: we have to make cups of tea, provide a meal and generally update them on what is happening in the DC’s lives. They might request a violin piece to be played or to hear some creative writing from school read. But while it is nice they take an interest, this really isn’t about taking the strain off us for a bit. On the contrary, the minute they are out the door I run a bath and order a takeaway to recover! My friend goes every Sunday lunch to her IL’s but she said on the way there they have to drill the dc on “ what not to mention.” 🤣She can’t wait to get back out the door. We do have done gp support of a more informal variety and it is a lifesaver when they are little; but don’t imagine everyone is answering the door in their oldest greyest feeding bra and handing over a screaming baby to an understanding gp.

How old are the GPs? I do think that's an important factor to consider.

My mam had me very young, and I had my daughter even younger. She was only in her 40's when my daughter was little so was very much fit and healthy and still able to run around after a very energetic little girl. DD spent at least one night a week with my mam and dad, if not more. But they were still young, young enough technically to be parents of small children themselves if they'd wanted to, so they were far more equipped to cope.

A lot of GPs are older these days due to women having kids later and later (not a criticism at all, there's a lot to be said for waiting) and expecting people in their 70's or even 80's to be able to cope with even easy NT kids is asking a lot. Your kids sound like hard work (again not a criticism, I'm sure they're also wonderful, lovely little humans!) and might be a lot of strain on older GP. Not that people can't still be sprightly in their 70's, but as a general rule kids are knackering even if you're young and fit.

I am sorry though, it must be so hard feeling like you're doing this all alone.

Payment?!

That really is shocking.