Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

How many of these 'uninvolved' grandparents were not allowed to see their grandchildren when they were first born for a few weeks, and only then at the mothers say so and only for a few minutes at a time, and weren't allowed to hug, kiss or feed the baby! You reap what you sow!

My in-laws have seen the dc at least twice a week, sometimes more since they were born. They still will only look after my 10-13 year old's in an emergency. They will have my older ones (16-18 years old) to say but only because they are easy to look after, they just need food.

Sorry but you are right, it's not an expectation. My dc weren't looked after by any of the paternal relatives at all, not even a trip to the park. My parents did have them a few times but they worked and lived 200 miles away, so they had to take annual leave, maybe 20 days in total over their childhoods

Your parents have already done their bit - they are t obligated to help you. Some GPs want to be more involved than others, and some things depend on the temperament of the children.

Might it be better if you asked them for some help, so even if they'd come down to your house and play with the little one whilst you give undivided attention to your eldest.
They might feel more confident offering help once they see what works for your eldest.
Do you think they're trying not to cause you any offence so are waiting for you to ask?

Completely agree with this, I don't get why people don't consider how hard it will be if they don't get easy children. The time to have these conversations to understand the level of support family are willing to provide is before having children. And if you are struggling to manage having one child, a second probably isn't a good idea.

It would depend on a number of factors.

My DM was great. She had DS and then also DD a lot. Daytime and sleepovers. My DM also went part time so that she could have DS 2 days a week. She lives 10 minutes walk away and was 55 when DS was born. Plus I am an only child.

I would hope to be helpful but I am nearly 60 now and both of my DC are still at University so I will be nearly 70 if and when we get grandchildren. Plus I have two DC so can't be regular childcare for one at the expense of the other. I would however want to be a secure adult for any grandchildren with Special Needs so that I could be supportive.

How old are your parents OP? And how fit? My DM noticed the difference between looking after DS at 55 and DD at 59.

Even if they can't help it and your DD/DDIL was struggling?

I don't think grandparents are obliged to do childcare, but I would like to think that if either of my DDs were in OP's position I'd help in some way (where possible based on health and logistics).

As a pp said earlier, those who were uninvolved parents tend to be uninvolved grandparents

I think it dependent. I grew up with very involved grandparents. I loved staying over. My family very involved in their grandchildren. Therefore, I would say its strange for a grandparent not be involved but I recognise everyone is different.

What does 'done my bit' actually mean though?

Having children isn't a national service your forced to endure for other peoples benefit.

I don't get why when your own children you chose to have then go on to have children you say 'ive done my bit' as if you've them or society a favour and shouldn't have to suffer anymore.

When you have children you do it understanding your bringing in future generations.

Do people have kids just for something to do for 18 years? Not looking at the bigger picture?

If your children died or became drug addicts would you take in your grandchildren and put them in care as you've 'done your bit'? At what point will you assist?

It's very much a British individualistic thing.

I’ll be honest, DM lives with my autistic sibling who needs support. BUT, he is currently on the housing list because he wants to live independently. He is able to navigate the London Underground, travel alone, and buy weed.
I understand he needs support but he is capable of ordering himself a takeaway and taking paracetamol if he has a cold. I’m saying this because if he has a slight sniffle, DM will prioritise him over everything else.
I'm aware I sound callous but I have a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD which I have never received support for. I manage the best I can but someone giving me one day a month to sort my sh1t out (deep clean the house and do admin related to eldest DS) would help immensely. I might look for a babysitter.

@confusedthirtysomething2 the easiest thing mentally is to work out how to get what your needs met without their help. You reap what you sow, if they aren’t actively involved I doubt your children will be interested once they are teenagers or older.

Like you said look at school wrap around clubs for the summer or a babysitter etc. Try not to be disheartened that you don’t have a village, it hard when others do and you see what a difference it makes. Coming to terms with it and try not to compare, you can’t change their minds. Focus on what you can control and get a plan.

This seems a bit harsh to me. OP's first child may not have had a diagnosis when second child was conceived - problems can become more evident as children grow and develop (or not). Granny to 15 yr old - autistic; 12 yr old - ADHD/autistic. My child had no idea what lay ahead with her beautiful children. And anyway, aren't people with a ND child allowed to have more than one child? My grandchildren can be challenging and difficult to look after, but both are at mainstream school and will hopefully be able to work and live full lives (with appropriate support to develop as teenagers/young people). I have assisted my daughter as much as possible with child minding, baby sitting and overnight stays over the years, and will continue as long as I am able. Understanding and compassion seem to be in short supply in our society at present. If family won't help when they can, who will? So sad.

Completely agree with this.

At what point does one just decide 'I've done enough now, I shall no longer care for my children' I can't imagine not caring about my DC; whether they are 8,18 or 68!

We're not talking about GP being asked to raise their GC, they are being asked to help out to make the lives of their own (adult) daughter/son easier.

Absolutely ❤️❤️❤️ this post. Well done for really playing an active role with your grandchildren. They will all savour the lovely memories you have given them growing up even through all the difficult times ✨️

It's so odd isn't it.

Even if your grandkids were the worst sleepers ever and didn't sleep longer than 4 hours a night, you'd surely have them over once or twice a year minimum knowing you could go straight back to bed once you hand them back the next day and sleep forevermore if you do wish.

I can't imagine having my child really struggling and knowing I could have the kids overnight once in a while making the world of difference to them and refusing to do it! Especially as they are doing it 24/7, 365 days a year. What difference to me would it be to do it 2/3 times a year. Id still have the other 362 days! Surely the joy is you can hand them back?! Heck I'd even do that for a friend desperately struggling!