Is it normal for DC to stay at their grandparents?

[confusedthirtysomething2]

A lot of my friends and cousins’ kids stay over their grandparents house weekly or fortnightly. Both mine and DH’s parents live locally and they won’t have them for a few hours in the evening or take them out for the day so we can do jobs around the house or admin stuff. I understand that they don’t owe us anything, but I struggle when I see other grandparents so involved in their grandchildren’s lives.

My 5-year-old is autistic and although he’s extremely smart and capable in many ways, he will not share anything with his brother (1). His toys are upstairs and the baby’s toys are downstairs. He’ll bring his toys downstairs and if his brother so much as looks in their direction … meltdown. The screaming goes through me. He’s very talented at drawing and wants me to sit and watch him draw with the baby on my lap. He doesn’t understand that a 1-year-old won’t sit passively on my lap. To top it off, DC2 is still breastfeeding and I literally have puncture holes on my nipples but I’m yet to find another way to get him to sleep. He’ll scream until I feed him causing DC1 to get distressed over the noise but he won’t wear ear defenders or go upstairs by himself.

I’ve cried multiple times over the summer and we’re only a week in.

Is it unfair to expect our grandparents to help out a little bit more? One weekend a month even?

Unpopular opinion on mumsnet but I think grandparent help should be the default and if they don't they are shit grandparents/parents.
Just like caring for your children should be the default and if you don't you are a shit parent.

Unfortunately though you can't force people to be good grandparents, just like you can't force people to be good parents.

I cannot imagine not wanting to help my own children out with something, no matter how old they are. I've raised them to know wherever I am they will find unconditional love, support and shelter. Whatever I can do to make their lives easier/better is the starting point for my parenting. And that will extend to my grandchildren too. It's how I was raised and it's how I see my parents with my children now.

I also believe family works both ways, I will do anything for my parents and remaining grandparents, no matter the inconvenience.

Sorry but if you find it hard to cope with them, what makes you think their grandparents wont?

There is a view on MN that if you need help or support with anything you must be entitled or expecting too much. That nobody owes you anything, which to an extent is true I suppose.

However in reality most people do want to help people that they love if they are able. For many grandparents spending time with their grandkids is a joy. And if they don't want overnight or whatever then fine, but I would be genuinely over the moon if mine would just say they'd take my kids for a few hours so I could get a few bits done or, heaven forbid, relax for a while.

I have a 5 year old and two sets of local grandparents. They're brilliant with her and we visit them all regularly (weekly). She's never stayed over with anyone else though, mostly because she doesn't sleep and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else! My parents still work full time and my in laws are in their 70s. They are happy to take her for a few hours here and there though if we need it.

We have DS6 and DD3. Both sets of parents looked after DS one day a week each before he started school, now they have DD one day a week each. We are very very grateful for this help and so never ask for anything else.
Overnights would be too much for them.
We do all have lots of lovely days out together and visits as a family though.

The fact that the OP finds managing her own children difficult suggests their grandparents wouldn't find it especially joyful...

So the screaming goes through you, and you want the GPs to take them one weekend a month? Sorry, but I wouldn’t be signing up for that either. GPs have done their parenting, ie of you, if they don’t want to be hands on with your kids that’s their right, not something they should be criticised for.

@VickyEadieofThigh maybe not in this case but would they not want to give their own child a bit of a break? For them it would be a few hours of stress, for their daughter it's 24/7. Everyone is different but I could never imagine letting my children struggle like that if I were physically able to help out now and then.

DS is currently on holiday with PIL (UK) and likes to stay overnight, but both sets of grandparents live over an hour away so it's not regular, probably a few times a year and usually if we have another commitment or for a few days in the summer holidays while we are at work

I think that's harsh. I don't think grandparents owe anyone childcare, but I also think it's pretty harsh not to help your adult child when they're struggling.

In six years we've had 3 weekends of childcare from our parents, and paid FT nursery for two DC, but I know if I were in OP's shoes our parents would be trying to help in some way, even though they don't live near us.

That might not be in the form of childcare, but I'm sure there's something they can do - even if it's just giving OP a hand on some of the days her DH is at work.

My parents were really supportive and my son stayed with both my mum & my dad/stepmum for overnights & days. They would often ask to have him and enjoyed that time. Same as me staying with grandparents when I was growing up. My in-laws have never been interested so never babysat or anything at all. It’s different for every family is suppose but I loved sleepovers with my grandparents when I was a child and I’m glad that my son also had that special relationship with my parents

You're going to get a hard time on here, OP. The consensus on MN is that you're "entitled" for wanting help. I do think it's wrong to expect or demand help with childcare from anyone, including GP's. But I also come from a family where the default is to want to help each other out in any way that we can, including with the kids. When my DC have their own families I want to help and support them as much as I'm able to. Every family is different though, and my kids have one set of very involved GP's and one set who are indifferent to them.

They may find it hard, but it's generally easier to cope with for one day than it is every day. That's not to say grandparents are at all obliged to help out, but there is a difference.

How is your relationship with your parents/DHs parents? Do they work? Are they in good health? If you have a good relationship with them, then you could ask them if they could help you as you're struggling.

I hope things get easier for you. 💐

Some hard comments here. Yes OP made the choice to have children but she didn't choose to have a ND child. She is allowed to be finding it hard that doesn't make her unreasonable. However it is unreasonable to assume grandparents should automatically be helping. If they don't want to be involved that is their choice but I'd be asking why. Is it the ND? If so could they have baby possibly so you could have two hours 1vs1 with the eldest? Might allow a bit of breathing room with the constant meltdowns over not understanding the younger ones needs.

OP if budget allows do you have any SEN summer holiday groups locally? Allow you some respite for a day or two a week until he is back at school. Alternatively reach out to nurseries as usually they have adults trained in SEN that may want extra money through babysitting.

How often did you stay with your grandparents ?

If hardly never then perhaps they are just giving you the same experience they had ?

It's entirely normal over here where I am.
I'll be at a festival this weekend and my daughter will be at my parents.
My sisters children were with them two weekends ago.
And my siblings and cousins spent a lot of time with grandparents.
Of my daughters' friendship group, 3 have gone away to spend a fortnight with grandparents in different parts of the UK.
And aunts and uncles are also always swapping children so everyone gets some downtime during the school breaks.
It really is only on MN that people seem so averse to the idea of the village.

I think that's harsh. I don't think grandparents owe anyone childcare, but I also think it's pretty harsh not to help your adult child when they're struggling

Yes, I agree. I've even helped out neighbours in the past who were struggling, so I can't imagine not helping my own children out with my grandchildren. No, there's no obligation, but I love my children and if they were struggling, I can't imagine thinking 'not my problem, I've done my parenting', if I'm able to.

Grandparent help depends so much on how families are.

It would never have occurred to MIL and late FIL not to be heavily involved with the grandchildren.

My father never met my children. I wouldn't have allowed him to look after a goldfish let alone a child.

It's hard when everyone around you seems to have help and you don't (I found that after I split up with my ex and had our girls as I had no family around). It's just one of those things in life unfortunately

My daughter is a single parent and works full-time and my grandchild stays over once a week and has done since she went back to work when they were 6 months - they're now 16 and social activities sometimes intervene but their bed is always ready for them. However....I'm not sure I would have coped if I'd been walking on eggshells all the time. I'm sorry you don't get help but, as others have said, if the screams go right through you, how would grandparents manage? X

Our parents are the same and it pisses me off but I’ve decided to make a point of being independent and doing it myself! I mean they don’t offer so I won’t ask as I don’t want them having my son when they don’t want him!

My dm worked long hours as a nurse.
However one week every summer holiday she would get the train to ours and mind my dc.
I finished work at 1pm but she still had to be up and ready for the dc at 7.30 am.

We looked after eldest dgc a lot.
We live too far away to help with DD’s dc so we give financial support instead.
And when they visit we encourage them to go out and leave dgc with us.

I cannot understand any gp’s who choose not to at least babysit monthly if they are able.
So jolly selfish.

I find that a funny attitude when it comes to family.

Our youngest has significant needs. Mil, BIL, SIL all take her for one night a month each to give us a break. They work it so that someone takes her Friday night and someone else Saturday night. They have one night a month of interrupted sleep, but it means we get two nights a month of sleep.

It's something my MIL and her sisters did for one of their nephews many years ago as well as he just didn't sleep. The vast majority of people can cope with one night of interrupted sleep every now and again and it's such a help and sanity saved for the family members who have the interrupted sleep every single night.

I can't imagine not helping my child if I could in such circumstances

I think it would be very hard to look after a child with such high needs unless you have been very involved from the very beginning and knows how to handle all the different situations that might come up. I certainly wouldn't take that on unless I was confident I knew how to as I wouldn't want to traumatise the child or make things worse for them.

I think there might be a possibility that they can look after the younger one occasionally if they are young and fit enough but you would need to stop breastfeeding first if that is the method you use to soothe them.

We are 60 miles away from Gdcs so it’s not a weekly thing, but we usually have the 3 of them for a few days in the holidays. It’s partly because we enjoy spending time with them (though admittedly at my great age I do find it tiring!) but also because it a) gives dd and SiL a bit of a break, and b) since dd and SiL both work full time, it saves quite a bit in holiday club costs.

The screams probably go through her because she hears it all day everyday, I'm not saying it would be pleasant for the grandparents but a fresh pair of ears and patient levels might make it bearable and would probably be better for the child too.

You sound like a lovely grandparent btw.