DC4 accused of being racist

[mickyhouse]

I was approached by a parent recently who informed me that her DC had been complaining that my DC had been hitting her DC regularly and had said that he does not like him, because of the colour of his skin.

I'm absolutely shocked and saddened by this and had words with my child of course. I have no idea where this came from. We are definitely not racist and he would never have heard something like that from us at home.

I've also come to find out that the aggrieved DC's child's parents have basically been raising questions about us as a family and whether we are racist to other parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

In any case, I had a big chat with my child and apologised to the family etc.

We feel upset that this has happened and also just don't understand why our child would say something like that at all. I could see our child pointing out a difference in skin colour, but to actually use the difference as a reason to dislike someone - does not seem like a thing they would be able to do at barely 4. I've not seen it personally at all. I'm not saying I don't believe the child who made the accusation, however, maybe there was a misunderstanding. The children are barely 4.

Has anyone had experience with a similar situation ?

Yes, and in that case the child's mother had been telling her child not to play with any brown, or black children in reception. It sounds unbelievable, but as I was a member of staff at the time, I know it was sadly true. The whole situation was dealt with by the school. If there are any concerns, they should be communicating with you.

Honestly, you're not alone. I have seen this quite a few times in nursery. People like to say children are born not differentiating on skin colour and other romantic notions . I'm absolutely not arguing that some children don't- but some children don't like what they see and say it. They say it ; whether it's skin colour or another difference, or any personal quirk they don't like.
Families are completely horrified, as you have been.
I think it's a matter of educating and working with your child , modelling acceptance of everyone's individual value and beauty etc. Talking about how not to hurt feelings etc.
Please don't panic. I'm sure they're saying - they must've heard that at home. Rubbish! Children are brutal - even in their innocence of just saying something that occurs them aloud!
Your child will be fine. You sound lovely parents.

• I don't want to minimise the lived experience of the other family in experiencing racism. I just want to point out that children can, without realization of cultural or social norms, state things out loud.

My son (40 years ago now) at about 3 years old expressed dislike of an old man on a bus, saying he was 'skinny' I didn't understand what he meant, but the old man was black and very wrinkly! Then he said that he didn't like Floella Benjamin on Play School, because she was 'skinny' and I realised he he meant her skin was black. This was very puzzling as his brothers regular playmate at the time was a black child from the next street, and he loved to play with him! I pointed out that the friend was black, he looked puzzled and denied it, so I said that next time he came to play, he should pay attention to the colour of his skin. When the friend came round, my son gave me an astounded look, and later agreed that he was black. We never heard of any dislike of 'skinny' people after that. I think it was just a childish fear of difference.

Our DD said something similar at 5. Didn’t like a girl in her class because she had brown skin. I was taken aback also - not something she’d have ever heard at home.

kids sometimes have their own opinions, whether parents like them or not….

what did your child say about it when you spoke to him?

He denied hitting the child and saying anything about his skin.

He said he likes brown skin and pointed out all the other children in the class who had brown skin and said he wants brown skin too.

So why are you taking the word of another parent over your own child when the school and nobody else has mentioned it either?

Why not speak to the teacher? Maybe the mum has mixed up the children?

If there was an issue that the parents raised with the school, you would have heard from the school about it.

Speak to the teacher. 4-year-olds generally do hit each other.

I'm mixed race with a black mother, and even as a child, my parents told me that I didn't like my mum's friend's husband- and I used to say that he was 'silver' (he just had darker skin).

You've apologised and spoken to your child. I don't think anyone thinks that you're racist. There's nothing else to do, besides maybe be proactive and speak to teachers and ask if there's been any further incidents.

My DS at around that age came home once and said he didn't like a girl in his class as she was 'yellow'. The girl is caucasian, with an olive complexion. As a PP said, it's a childish fear/awareness of differences, without the ability to express that in an appropriate way. We talked a lot about how people have different skin colours, tones, backgrounds from different places. DS hasn't ever said anything similar again.

Talking to your child should be sufficient.
Edited to add: we live in an area with not many different cultures. It was just a lack of understanding and awareness.

Whether it happened or not, now might be a good time to buy some kids books about race. And making sure your child understands we are all equals, even if your child does have a slight favour towards his own race right now at 4 you can fix that, he's young enough for you to teach him the correct way.

if he did say it it's probably just because it's different. Although maybe the other parent assumed it was racial issue rather than you your child just dosnt like her child because of their personality. Which is very possible

as parents sometimes we fail to see how anyone might not think our little darling isn't fabulous is everyone's eyes. Sad but true

Seconding what @Fedup369 said. There are books available for children, featuring children of all ethnicities.

He said he wishes he had dark skin. I don't think he favours his own skin colour.

We had a very challenging back child at a school in worked at. He was very badly behaved and nasty to everyone, and every time the school disciplined him or the children struck back, parents would complain it was because of his skin colour.

You (and we) don't know what's happened here. Talk to the school and find out. Racism in schools is such a huge issue, that if the school felt there was a problem with your DC, I'm sure you'd have heard about it.

Not minimising and absolutely have the important conversations but I do also think four year olds will also pick whatever makes someone different when they say they don’t like someone. Sometimes that’s skin colour, sometimes home situation, glasses, wrong colour T-shirts. It’s not always as sinister.

I would speak to the school to see if they can shed any light. It may be as much a misunderstanding as anything.

Also - don’t panic. Children say inappropriate things without realising the broader context all the time. They do notice visual differences and might use that as a basis for saying they don’t like something - lots of children fear differences to begin with. It doesn’t mean he’s racist, he’s just learning how to be a human.

I wouldn’t express any feelings of disappointment etc. to him, but you could start working into your conversations with him some discussion of how people across the world have different skin / hair etc and isn’t it wonderful to live in a world of such beautiful diversity etc. I would also incorporate some children’s books with characters of all different races, just so he’s seeing a lot of positive depictions. There are a few I like - Perfectly Imperfect Meera, Sulwe, Hair Love, Soon Your Hands, I Can Write the World, We’re Different We’re the Same.

@mickyhouse When she was just 5 years old, my grandaughter expressed a dislike for "black mummies and daddies"!!!! this hatred stemmed from seeing all the adverts on tv about starving children in africa!! she, in her logical mind, blamed the mummies and daddies for not going to the supermarket and thus starving their children!!

You're over thinking this. You've had a chat with your son, and that's all you can do. At 4 a child is at the stage of working out similarities and differences. The hitting is wrong, but noticing skin colour and mentioning it, is not racism at four years old. My DGD did similar in looking at a photo of me sitting with a group of black African women on my holiday to their country. She was just trying to puzzle out who they could be, because they were 'different'.

Talk to the school, just to let them know you're aware, and to check in about the hitting. But otherwise relax.

My child was slightly older when he said he didn't like a child due to their skin colour. I was shocked, especially given we are a mixed race family ourselves! At that age it is innocent, and perhaps fear of something they see as unfamiliar and can easily be corrected by gentle explanation.

Yes don't panic. 4 year old are at the stage where they notice differences.

The children are barely 4

So it's not racist, it's an immature reaction. Has he met any other children of different ethnicities or is this the first child he has met?

Can you make friends with the Mum and perhaps invite the little boy over to play with yours? Encourage them to make friends.

Mine was told by another kid in class, an older, very assertive one (also happened to have parents who were both police officers, so no surprise there).

It never happened again - not only was DD put straight in a 'That's a really mean thing to say - oh, Georgina told you? I think we need to have a little chat with Miss Teacher because Georgina shouldn't be saying horrible stuff about other people' way, the teacher acted on it.

Your child is probably not being racist but noticing the difference and pointing it out. You can imagine how this plays out as your child gets older if you didn't have the conversations. Definitely highlights the need to have these bigger conversations and maybe some age appropriate books on inclusion.