DC4 accused of being racist

[mickyhouse]

I was approached by a parent recently who informed me that her DC had been complaining that my DC had been hitting her DC regularly and had said that he does not like him, because of the colour of his skin.

I'm absolutely shocked and saddened by this and had words with my child of course. I have no idea where this came from. We are definitely not racist and he would never have heard something like that from us at home.

I've also come to find out that the aggrieved DC's child's parents have basically been raising questions about us as a family and whether we are racist to other parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

In any case, I had a big chat with my child and apologised to the family etc.

We feel upset that this has happened and also just don't understand why our child would say something like that at all. I could see our child pointing out a difference in skin colour, but to actually use the difference as a reason to dislike someone - does not seem like a thing they would be able to do at barely 4. I've not seen it personally at all. I'm not saying I don't believe the child who made the accusation, however, maybe there was a misunderstanding. The children are barely 4.

Has anyone had experience with a similar situation ?

Other than apologising and making sure your child understands not to say mean things about another child's appearance, I don't think you can do much else apart from let this blow over.

If there are other kids/families at the school of other ethnicities that you are friendly with then I'm sure others will report that you don't seem to be a racist family. Try to let it go now. You can't be sure what happened and as others have pointed out, it's not an unusual 4 year old thing. If your child is anything like mine, he will not like someone this week but next week say they are his friend. Just step back and keep your eye open for anything else and let the school know if the other parent won't let it go.

This is a four year old child. They often say what they see, no filter. My son once told someone their nose was too big. I was mortified. Of course you talk to them about hurting someone's feelings etc. But don't label a four year old racist.

DS1 was 5 when he announced that he didn't like brown people. I was horrified, but when I calmly asked him why that was he said "Because they pinch."

A little girl in his class was in the habit of pinching, she had brown skin and he had decided that all brown people pinched.

I'm sure your DS isn't racist, maybe there is a clash between the children which he is innocently attributing to skin colour.

You say you've already had a serious talk with your child. If it were me, I would also apologise wholeheartedly to the other parent.

For the child who has been racially abused, it doesn't matter if "oh, she didn't really understand what she was saying", or "well, we never say anything racist at home" - the consequences of your child's behaviour are the same either way.

Neither you nor your child are the victims in this situation. It's not surprising that the other parent has been asking around whether anyone else has ever noticed you having racist tendencies. The only way she'll know that you don't is if you apologise fully.

I don't know, I wouldn't jump to the apologising either. I'd understand the complaint but I'd also want to be certain my child was the one at fault and then, if my child is, explain they're young and still learning about the world, I'll have a conversation with them and move on.

What I'm sensing is you gave immediate apologies, came across as a little racist yourself, unintentionally! And now, the mum is saying you're a family of racists. Honestly, I doubt you'd win this one but I'd have liked to be certain my child has actually said something wrong in the first instance.

@LondonPapa but you just can't be sure what happened. You can never be sure. They're 4.

But neither parent was there so op doesn't know if it happened or not.

School obviously aren't concerned or they would have told you op. It's normal for young children to see and say differences and not be aware of what racism is or might be a racist comment. All you can do is chat and educate on why certain comments shouldn't be made about people's appearances.

Wow.

The excuses people are making here to excuse what is racism is absolutely wild.

True but, truthfully, I don't jump to straight out apologies without knowing the facts. I'd talk to my child and that's that. I suspect the other mum is one of those who would complain about anything, and when given an inch, goes an entire marathon of telling stories.

Not great other parent was asking around but perhaps trying to protect themselves (not much use complaining to you about potential racism if you were known to be racist yourself.. which you’re not, clearly). And yes 4 year olds can mimic racist attitudes, I have very strong memories of a friend of my younger sibling telling racist jokes at about that age - clearly just repeating what her parents said at home.

I am brown. Not making excuses. Saying parents should approach teachers for this.

When my DS2 was around your DS's age, he fell out with another boy in his class (over access to a particular toy) and they had a bit of a physical to-do. When talking about it with him later, he initially said he didn't like the other boy because of his weight, which worried me a) because I hadn't brought him up to be prejudiced and b) I was none too slim myself at the time.

As we continued talking it became clear that the real problem was that the boy was having too long a go on this toy that my DS wanted. But my DS couldn't fully articulate his feelings about this, so he fell back instead on a simple and noticeable thing about the other boy's physical appearance.

Point being: children of this age have deep and complex emotions of insecurity, jealouy, competitiveness etc but they don't necessarily yet have the vocab or self-knowledge to articulate these. So it's easy for them to instead fall back on something 'different' about the other child's appearance.

There's also an element of taboo. My brother teaches primary in a highly multicultural school and says that kids (of all ethnicities) who are at loggerheads over an entirely different issue will occasionally drag out a racist, homophobic or fatphobic insult. It's not because they are genuinely racist, homophobic or fatphobic - it's because they KNOW these insults are taboo and highly hurtful and so in the heat of the moment they reach for the 'naughtiest' thing they can think of.

Something like the above examples may have happened here. I do not think you are nurturing the new Tommy Robinson. I do think your little boy grabbed a 'very naughty' insult out of frustration because he has some other problem with this boy and maybe that's what you should explore.

I would also be a tad concerned that your son says he doesn't like his skin colour - he's very young to be suffering self-esteem issues.

Are you quite alright?

Calling the Police on them? Slander? Malicious Communication? Safeguarding?

So you think my 4 year old is racist, based on what another 4 year old said? And you think he's racist because he's seen racist behaviour at home ?

A good school informs parents of all incidents that happen at school. I would talk to his teacher who he had in reception.

Lots of people seem to be very much stuck in the mindset that being accused of racism is as bad as being the victim of racism.

Yeah there’s evidence that children are influenced by media conditioning from a very young age. Things are changing for the better but historically it was white girls and boys that were represented as being smart and beautiful and brave in children’s media (books , tv, movies) I can’t remember what the age was but it’s way younger than five.

This is why many parents actively counteract and balance out what their children may see in the media by seeking out eg. Multi-cultural variety of dolls and books. And even then, it still doesn’t always work out because so powerful is the influence of external conditioning coming from outside the family.

And there’s also the simple thing of some kids just being scared of difference . An Asian friend of mine was terrified of white people when he lived in Pakistan. He couldn’t believe it when at 4 years old his parents told him they were moving to England 😂 he got over his phobia quickly once he arrived lol

I had a friend who was heartbroken her olive skin, brown eyed daughter said she wants to be “white” like her sister and the other kids at nursery. They were both mixed race (a quarter Asian) but one was olive skinned with brown hair and the other blonde hair and blue eyed. She was always telling both girls how beautiful they were and commenting specifically on their characteristics eg. Beautiful brown eyes.

I told her she had done her best given the nearly all white community she lives in, and it wasn’t a failing of her as a parent but she just need to continue to do what she was doing and hopefully her kid would turn out alright without any self hatred issues.

I had a very strongly worded letter recently about my reception aged son being racist to another older child and that the school have spoken to the parent and apologised and how serious it was etc etc, they linked me to lots of resources and asked that I discuss with him, he is 4 and neither myself or my son have ever spoken about race or skin colour and its not even on his radar I'm sure. He had called a child he didn't know 'poo poo head' when he passed him on the corridor but he also calls his brother and me that, I have of course spoken to him about that not being appropriate

It's not racism, it's children, who are basically uncivilized at 4. A bit racist to assume anything happened at all, too, since it is all hearsay.

No-one on this thread has said that.

It appears that your child has physically hurt another child, with race being a factor. Minimising the incident, and refusing to see the harm that this has caused to the other child, and doubting the word/motive of the other child and parent, do nothing to build a culture of anti-racism.

My DC and I have been the subject of racism. Nevertheless I prefer to not accuse a 4 -year-old of racism without going to the school. I don't believe in needlessly causing racial tension in 2024.

As you say you can't be sure what happened. Also as you are asking about it it may be DS's inmediate reaction to deny if he thinks he is on trouble.

What matters now is to just keep an eye on how things are going forward and simply nip in the bud any form of "othering".

Possibly the mother was asking other parents to see if this was a one off or whether it was something she needed to be more concerned about. Speak to her and clear the air