DC4 accused of being racist

[mickyhouse]

I was approached by a parent recently who informed me that her DC had been complaining that my DC had been hitting her DC regularly and had said that he does not like him, because of the colour of his skin.

I'm absolutely shocked and saddened by this and had words with my child of course. I have no idea where this came from. We are definitely not racist and he would never have heard something like that from us at home.

I've also come to find out that the aggrieved DC's child's parents have basically been raising questions about us as a family and whether we are racist to other parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

In any case, I had a big chat with my child and apologised to the family etc.

We feel upset that this has happened and also just don't understand why our child would say something like that at all. I could see our child pointing out a difference in skin colour, but to actually use the difference as a reason to dislike someone - does not seem like a thing they would be able to do at barely 4. I've not seen it personally at all. I'm not saying I don't believe the child who made the accusation, however, maybe there was a misunderstanding. The children are barely 4.

Has anyone had experience with a similar situation ?

He has lots of friends of different colours and always has.. We live in a multicultural area.

You need to speak to the school. You need to ascertain whether it actually happened or not.
Just because a 4 year old said it happened doesn’t make it an accurate representation of what occurred

Oh OP. I am sorry you are in this position. In future, if this mum or any other parent complains to you directly about your child (and school hasn't mentioned anything to you) , tell that parent to address their concerns with the teacher/school directly and not with you. Tell them you weren't there when whatever they allege took place and the school hasn't contacted you about it either, and therefore you don't want act on something a 4 year old has told her, which may or may not be accurate. Say hopefully the adults who were there would be able to shed light on the matter and address any concerns they have and they'd speak to you if required. Parents shouldn't be ambushing other parents like this based on something their child has told them, which may or may not be accurate. There is a process to follow and they need to follow that process and you need to let them know this. Keep repeating, "speak to the teachers". My guess is the mum would have spoken to the teachers and the teachers must have said nothing of that sort happened and the mum is now trying to bully you. If the school hasn't spoken to you about an incident, don't take another child's word (or their parent's) word over your own child's, just direct the parent to the school.

Well, I'm not saying it wasn't said. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. But I'm not happy that this mum is going around telling other people and raising questions about us. I think that's wrong.

It's the word of one four year old against another four year old in the absence of the school verifying or even mentioning the situation, yet you have chosen to believe the word of the other child and his parents!

Wow! Your poor child.

That's what I said to the mum. I said I will make sure to speak to my child and I'm sorry this has happened, but it's important she tells the school. She said the school only intervene when it's really extreme.

I don't really believe either child.

My daughter said something at a similar age with no prompts from home or school. We said how ridiculous, talked about it, likening it to eye colour and she moved on. It is trying ideas about difference out. Working multi-ethnicities into toys and books naturally from then on, you being aware you're doing it, her not being aware but just accepting it as normal is the way forward.

I agree. I am brown and if my child was the target of supposed racism, I would raise it with the school only. In absolute confidence. Especially in these times! And especially with small children who are unreliable narrators.

Sounds like a learned behaviour x

Perhaps you need to redirect your energy from being defensive and redirect it into educating your child…

I can't understand why you felt the need to apologise when you cannot be certain that any of it was true!

Because it's what you do when you aren't immediately defensive. I'm sorry she's in the situation with her child, whether mine is actually at fault or not. I didn't want to just shut her down.

I recall my daughter would refer to the ladies at her Kindergarten as the tall lady, the curly lady, the brown lady and so on, I assumed she was referring to a West Indian woman who worked there. However when we were shopping she said Oh, there's the brown lady, and the woman said Hello to us. I was puzzled as the woman was white but when asked my daughter said she always wore a brown overall at work.

Excuse me ?

I saw a film on social media recently of a teacher talking to a class of young children about kindness and whether it was appropriate to comment on the appearance of others.
She was teaching the children to think about whether the thing they were commenting on could be changed in 30 seconds or not? So, ‘you have food on your face’ or ‘your shirt is unbuttoned’ are appropriate Things to say but ‘your nose is big’ or “you’re fat” are inappropriate because the person can’t change them.
The children were only 5 or 6 and were catching on very quickly because the concept is pretty straightforward. Maybe it would work to have a general conversation with your child along these lines? or perhaps school could do it with the class?

Oh absolutely agree. That’s why you need to talk to the school.
I would think that the school would have already spoken to you if it was true but I would also question why the school hasn’t told you of the allegation anyway.
Racism is an extremely serious thing to be accused of. I would want this sorted asap for your’s and your child’s welfare

Sorry but two major issues here

Number 1, why have school not communicated any of this to you? Surely they are aware?

Number 2, the parent making this allegation is slandering you and your DC to other parents, which could result in reprisals and negatively impact your child going forward. They are effectively bullying a child. Personally I would be contacting the police, if this parent has not allowed school to intervene and your child sounds like they've been lied about and have not hit anyone or mentioned skin colour, it's malicious communication and I would expect the police to have a strong word with this moron.

I think it's sad you apologised when your child sounds like they've been lied about. For all you know their child could be lying for attention or down to jealousy of your child. Has she even contacted school or decided to take matters into their own hands, or perhaps this child has form for lying so knows school won't take them seriously?

I would also wonder why school haven't contacted you over such a big allegation if they are aware, I know of a child who unintentionally used a slur for Chinese they'd heard someone else say and school phoned the parents and made a huge deal of it, going as far as to log with edu welfare! There was no malicious intent at all and the child wasn't aware of the word being a slur. Yet it is now on that child's record as a racist incident.

I would be expecting an apology from this parent and school to inform parents that the situation is not as reported. They should also be made to make alternative arrangements for picking and dropping off their child due to safeguarding.

So it may be a case that you defensively assumed she was right? Your child is 4, and shouldn’t be hitting anyone, but I am assuming as the school didn’t raise it with you that they didn’t feel the other child’s skin colour had anything to do with the conflict between the two children. In fact, this could actually be more a case of the other mother’s racism? Ie a white child is hitting my child, so they are racist.

If you’ve had the chat with your child (we did the if all the flowers in the garden were the same colour and type, the world would be a boring place talk at that age), then I would park it. It sounds like normal Reception Year/nursery conflict and as though the mum has a chip on her shoulder.

I’m olive skinned/white but my adoptive family are asian and my half sisters mixed race. You’d laugh at the times people would try to play the race card when I was in primary only for my dad and a sari-clad auntie to walk in and their faces drop. Had the opposite at secondary school where my skin colour was perceived as darker once auntie had been seen meeting me after school.

If your child was 14 then you should be worried. He is "barely" 4 and just learning about the world. Please don't worry. I am sure you are doing all the right things.

Children can be incredibly cruel and pick up on any difference to hurt others. We spend their childhood civilizing them! Your DC will be fine because you are good parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

Then you can tell the parent that the school will be seeing what's actually going on and that you trust you will be notified and suitable action taken if your child is being racist. It's good they've spoken to the school, you can leave it to them.

As for telling other parents, leave them to it. If the other parents have any intelligence they'll make their own opinion (or just ignore what they've been told) and if they have low intelligence then there's bugger all you can do anyway.

Maybe it's the parents who need educating? Going around talking about other parents behind their backs at school instead of raising any issues with the school and letting them deal with it- if it actually happened that is.

This is quite common in under 5s. Don't panic. You need to role model here.

We lived in a non diverse area years ago. My son, as a toddler, would frown and say “black face” whenever he saw black people.
I found it excruciatingly embarrassing.
Also embarrassing to launch, in public, into a full blown talk about different colour hair, eyes, freckles, etc, to try and explain how people are different, although I did at home.
I was a very young mum and I was also worried in case he didn't accept what I was saying and said something worse!

Luckily, we both grew out of it.