DC4 accused of being racist

[mickyhouse]

I was approached by a parent recently who informed me that her DC had been complaining that my DC had been hitting her DC regularly and had said that he does not like him, because of the colour of his skin.

I'm absolutely shocked and saddened by this and had words with my child of course. I have no idea where this came from. We are definitely not racist and he would never have heard something like that from us at home.

I've also come to find out that the aggrieved DC's child's parents have basically been raising questions about us as a family and whether we are racist to other parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

In any case, I had a big chat with my child and apologised to the family etc.

We feel upset that this has happened and also just don't understand why our child would say something like that at all. I could see our child pointing out a difference in skin colour, but to actually use the difference as a reason to dislike someone - does not seem like a thing they would be able to do at barely 4. I've not seen it personally at all. I'm not saying I don't believe the child who made the accusation, however, maybe there was a misunderstanding. The children are barely 4.

Has anyone had experience with a similar situation ?

This happened to my sister when her daughter was 3 years old, they also live abroad in an non diverse area, they got into a lift with a black man, my niece could not stop looking at him and then she said loudly, mummy why that man has a brown face? My sister was so embarrassed that she could only apologise profusely, the man was very gracious and explained to my niece that, his parents were from Africa and they all had brown skin, my niece asked him few questions about children and his name and the man answered and made her laugh, they do meet him out and about and now my niece runs to greet him and called him by his name, it’s actually quite sweet

We live in a very diverse area. There aren't many white children in the nursery group- maybe 2 or 3 white children out of the whole group. We love it and it's one of the reasons we love the school.

So it's not like my child has never seen any one of another colour before and my child looks ' different ' to the usual white British child as well. Again, I am not saying it didn't happen or that it happened but we just aren't racist in any way, shape or form. We aren't even locals.

We are immigrants.

The other child may be being unpleasant to your child, and the skIn colour is the most obvious thing for your child to retaliate with. My son had a kid in his nursery who would hit other kids and generally be unpleasant. He had ginger hair. So the biggest insult from my son was “You’re a ginger!” as a way of insulting someone.

My son when at nursery (pre school) came home one day saying that the 'brown boy' had hit him. We explained that he wasn't the brown brown boy, just a boy but shouldn't be hitting him.
Next day we took him into nursery and it turned our the 'brown boy' was actually a just a kid wearing a brown jumper! 😁

Yes, and it turned out they were lying (they admitted it) to get my ds in trouble.

That's what I said to the mum. I said I will make sure to speak to my child and I'm sorry this has happened, but it's important she tells the school. She said the school only intervene when it's really extreme.

Then I'd have said "like I said, unless the school contact me and inform me of such an incident, l am sorry, there is nothing I can do. I can't believe your or your child's word over mine, as neither you nor I were actually present. In future if you have an issue with my child, please can you address this directly with the school and not me. Thank you. If the teachers have concerns about my child, i am sure theyll share their concerns with us". Don't get bullied, OP.

My ds was the receiver of this type of thing at around 6, school did deal with it though.
Personally I think at 4 they have no concept of racism (unless taught) and they do just say what they think without filter.
You've spoken to your dd, apologised to the family (more than I got) so I would put it behind you

A couple of years ago my 4 yr old Dd once said she didn’t want to play with a black doll at playgroup because it didn’t look like her…I had a moment of ‘Jesus how have I raised a racist child?!’ But realised it was her just wanting to play with a doll that looked like her, nothing sinister. It could be differences that your child is reacting to? Admittedly some kids will pick up ignorant from their parents but I don’t think most kids are naturally racist. Maybe have a talk with the other kids parents?

Three or four year old boy on a piece of climbing equipment was told to come down by his brother he looked and said I can't I need the brown boy to move the parents called the police over it they came out thinking the age was wrong and they meant 13 or 14! They told the parents at this age they say what they see it's not usually personal the father was very loud and intimidating over it so we left the police were still calming him as we left

The mother was completely wrong to approach you. Her first port of call should have been the school, who should have then contacted you.
She should definitely not be going around spreading rumours about you.

@mickyhouse All schools must have an Anti Racism policy. It should be on their web site, so read it. This tells you what the school should do if they are aware of racism. It does, of course, have to be age appropriate and any incidents should be recorded. Normally a parent would be invited to see the Head. As you have heard nothing, I would doubt what the parent is saying in this case.

Even if your child had behaved badly towards another child, schools can inform parents if they are concerned. However if it’s a one off (squabble over a ball in the playground) it’s something teachers deal with.

Dc can also say things maliciously because they have been taught to react in this way. They might be at fault but deflect onto others by accusing them of something they might not have done. Experienced teachers would deal with this too. As school have said nothing, I’d just stay vigilant. You cannot do anything about the other parent and most people realise young dc are still learning about the world. School will probably do circle time and talk about not calling names and not fighting!

Of course the “brown man” was just so loud and intimidating…

This is exactly how it all starts…

Was this in answer to my post?

Mostly, when a child describes another child, they find something obvious to describe. This really is NOT how racism starts. It’s using every day words to describe a child. At a later stage this mostly disappears as they learn names and understand more about how another child might be sensitive. Children are not fully rounded people at 4.

I am quite shocked that the school hasn’t spoken to you beforehand about his behaviour.

Even if this wasn’t to do with race, it is bullying and at 4 years old that is really concerning.

It could potentially be that your DC has heard something racist (doesn’t have to be at home) or just taken a dislike to this child and is blaming the skin colour because he doesn’t want to tell the truth/doesn’t associate being jealous of him with his violent actions.

If he plays with other children of different races then I wouldn’t be too concerned about the racist aspect right now, although things like social stories are really helpful.

Instead I would focus on understanding why he is bullying and fixating on this one child.

Is there a school therapist that can help him unpick his feelings and help him come up with strategies to deal with it instead?

The mother has spoken to the school and the school hasn’t spoken to OP.
The mother could not just stand by whilst her DC is getting attacked and so had to speak to OP herself.

wow you must live somewhere secluded or rural where your child is looking at another brown skinned child as ‘other’ and a ‘threat’ this is really sad and has definitely come from an experience or something he’s heard outside of school.
you can’t be mad at the parents either for asking around to see if you’re family are associated with any far right groups

Hi
children of that age do not have an understanding of ‘racism’ as a concept. They know right and wrong. So if for example your child had hit a tall child and said they didn’t like them because they are tall that would be comparable at this age. They are singling out a difference if that makes sense. Obviously when a child understands racism then it would be more serious than pointing out someone was tall. I work with older children (secondary age) and I suspended a boy who was 13 for calling a black child a monkey, this is obviously racist and the boy is old enough to understand this hence the suspension. However the parent was very unhappy that I had branded her child ‘racist’ and was quick to point out he ‘had black friends’. I said to her that what he said WAS racist and there is no disputing that but I have not branded her child ‘a racist’ and that she needed to use it as an opportunity to educate him as will the school. I would get hung up on your child being accused of being racist, you’ve spoken to them and they seem to now have a better understanding so you’ve been successful in dealing with it.

When my son was 4 he had a best friend who was Indian. Lovely boy. His other friend (not so lovely) told him he couldn’t play with him because he was brown. I was fuming and told the teacher. The kids mum then phoned me with an attitude (we had been friends prior, she had always said some questionable things about Asian people but I just kept the peace as our kids were friends). In that case it had come from the mum definitely. Children don’t see skin colour, mine certainly never have. And now I have mixed children (half Indian) it is something I worry about constantly. Kids pick up things from the people around them. I’m not saying you, but has your child played with someone who has made a comment about this child’s colour? Has another family member made comments around your child?

Yep my (white) ds suddenly said he didn’t think black people were beautiful when he was little (before school age I think)- half his family is black.

I asked him what he meant what about aunty X and so on but he insisted on it for about 2 weeks- kept bringing it up- then suddenly he stopped saying it and has never said anything about it again (he is 11 now).

He did a similar thing about fat people- I’m very very fat- said fat people weren’t as beautiful as thin people and seemed to have a thing about it then just dropped it.

Neither time did his behaviour change towards the apparently less beautiful- he if anything is over friendly with everyone.

He is very autistic and I wonder whether it was a reaction to noticing a difference suddenly, and once he was used to it he stopped.

When my Dd started school she usex facial colour to differentiate when telling me about her friends, ' he has a brown face' or 'she has a white face' it wasn't malice, she was friendly with all of her classmates, it was just her way of describing them. Maybe it was something like this and it's been misunderstood

He's said something, accept it. He doesn't have a clue about the meaning of what he said. You need to watch what you say, others say around him. Make a deal about how wrong racism is, don't tell him off.

Hi op,

deep breath. Gentle hugs.

first, it does NOT reflect bad of you. Your kid is 4. The parents are unhinged to take it further meaning to actually say it is that.

i understand sharing it with you coz you want to know but not as a complaint 🫣

buy a doll to your kid. One with dark skin and model play with it.

good luck 🌺