DC4 accused of being racist

[mickyhouse]

I was approached by a parent recently who informed me that her DC had been complaining that my DC had been hitting her DC regularly and had said that he does not like him, because of the colour of his skin.

I'm absolutely shocked and saddened by this and had words with my child of course. I have no idea where this came from. We are definitely not racist and he would never have heard something like that from us at home.

I've also come to find out that the aggrieved DC's child's parents have basically been raising questions about us as a family and whether we are racist to other parents.

I know the parent has spoken to the school, but the school hasn't mentioned any of this to us at all.

In any case, I had a big chat with my child and apologised to the family etc.

We feel upset that this has happened and also just don't understand why our child would say something like that at all. I could see our child pointing out a difference in skin colour, but to actually use the difference as a reason to dislike someone - does not seem like a thing they would be able to do at barely 4. I've not seen it personally at all. I'm not saying I don't believe the child who made the accusation, however, maybe there was a misunderstanding. The children are barely 4.

Has anyone had experience with a similar situation ?

4 is very small but as someone else has mentioned up thread maybe now is the time to start talking about the fact that it’s generally better not to make comments about how people look/appearance as they can’t change it and it’s rude. In age appropriate language. It’s even rude to comment on clothes. I had this a lot at school as I didn’t have fashionable stuff for non uniform days etc.

We were brought up this way and I think it’s probably helped me all through my life.

Children do say what they see at this age. I think it's actually racist, and quite unfair to children, to expect them to not notice differences including in skin colour. It's not helpful. It's better to discuss difference and how wonderful variety in humankind is and how difference in appearance should not be a reason to either like or dislike someone.

Your child has said this didn't happen, and you've heard nothing from the school, so it may not be true. I think you absolutely have to speak to the school, who will probably have an idea of whether or not this happened.

If it is true, I don't understand why this other family wouldn't talk to the school first - it feels like something's wrong here. The school needs to be involved to help resolve it.

So what? It doesn't have anything to do with the point I made.

I'm white and grew up in a multicultural city. As a child in playschool (40ish years ago) I didn't want to play with a black doll. The racism line was trotted out by the supervisor. It was nothing to do with race and everything with not feeling a connection with that particular toy.
Whilst a useful conversation may evolve from this incident, it should not be delved into too much, as it blows it out of all proportion. The other child may not be a very nice child - irrespective of skin colour. Discussions about everyone being different and accepting those differences is probably the most important lesson to teach.
Too often, racism is mentioned and it prevents a proper conversations being able to happen to actually work out the issue!

There's also an element of taboo. My brother teaches primary in a highly multicultural school and says that kids (of all ethnicities) who are at loggerheads over an entirely different issue will occasionally drag out a racist, homophobic or fatphobic insult. It's not because they are genuinely racist, homophobic or fatphobic - it's because they KNOW these insults are taboo and highly hurtful and so in the heat of the moment they reach for the 'naughtiest' thing they can think of.

If a child use someone’s race as an insult they see that part of the other kids identity as something that’s less than good and somewhat inferior to them .

I never thought white or black or brown skinned kids were any better or worse than anyone else so I wouldn’t drag their race into it.

I’d look for something “bad” about them to insult them with. I didn’t see their skin as bad so that wouldn’t be used.

We don’t need to label the kids as little Hitlers so young but I think we are kidding ourselves here if we don’t accept kids form prejudice early . It’s often not necessarily super deep but the seeds are there! The best thing is to accept this is the case when they exhibit signs of prejudice and then address it or they really will grow up into a full blown racists.

It’s the same for adults they have an issue with someone and they use a racist slur but then claim Later they’re not racist. They are racist or they wouldn’t even have thought to use that against someone as an insult . I had a friend who racially abused her black boyfriend when she found out he cheated on her. I never looked at her the same way again.

This argument /excuse starts from their childhood when they were excused from being racist or ableist etc by their parents who claimed it was just because little Johnny was angry he said that, he was provoked etc.

I’m late 30s, very argumentative and never thought to call anyone a racist name even in anger in my whole 4 decades on earth 🤷‍♀️

You need to speak to the relevant teacher so that the school knows all that you have put here about what was said to you, what you said in response, what you said to your son, what he said and what you have found out about other parents being questioned about you as a family etc.

Without that, the school doesn't have the full context that it needs to have. I wouldn't be worrying about it but you do need to make your position clear to the school so that they are aware of your perspective and such information as you have.

No it "appears" that one parent is going around slandering another parent. I guarantee if a child was hitting another child and calling him names that it would be raised by the school with the parents of that child.

But yeah also just to add to my wider points that in regards to the OP, I agree with others to speak to the school about it and get to the bottom of what was said or not. Then take it from there!

One of mine could have written for the Daily Mail at this age. He was suspicious of brown skin, single parents, gay people, anyone who didn't speak native English etc. etc. The good thing is it was more experimental prejudice - once he saw it wasn't acceptable and we explained why and that it was unkind he quickly got out of it again. He's not racist, sexist or homophobic now.

Did you ask him before or after you apologised to the mother? I would be going back and retracting the apology as it's seems her child was lying.

I said I will make sure to speak to my child and I'm sorry this has happened, but it's important she tells the school. She said the school only intervene when it's really extreme

I find that surprising, since any school with sense will address this early rather than leaving it until things become "extreme". It's almost as if she doesn't want the school to know what she's alleging, and I certainly doubt she'd want them to know what she's saying to other parents

So I'd keep up the age appropriate chats with DS which you're already having, but also tell the staff the whole thing so that an eye can be kept on this

One of mine could have written for the Daily Mail at this age

@somepeopleareunbelievable that made me laugh. 😂

Sounds like you handled it well and glad to hear he turned out well !
The ones who go on to be racist after “experimental prejudice” are often the ones whose parents denied excused or ignored it.

Bit of prejudice against the police there, Missus!

We had this recently with DD6. She just randomly came out with "I don't like brown people."
We're not a racist family so we were initially taken aback, especially since she has a diverse group of friends at school.
After a chat with her, we realised she meant that brown is her least favourite colour and she didn't mean it in a rude way, but we did talk to her about language and how certain wording can be upsetting, for example saying "I don't like using brown paint on my drawing" is okay to say if she's drawing chocolate or a potted plant, but if she were drawing her friends then it would be upsetting for them.

Agree it does happen. Someone I know moved from her country of origin to the UK. They have darker skin and her very young children were unsure about playing with children with white skin as they looked different. She had a talk with them about people having different skin colour to them and it was all fine after that. Children were all younger than 6

Did you mean to be so rude?

The OP has said that they have been made aware that the parent who has made the allegation has informed other parents and started a witch hunt, making further accusations of the family being racist. How is this not going to impact on the child? Party invites, playdates etc, other children being told not to be friends with the alleged racist child from a racist family? I've seen this happen in a village school when hot topic subjects are whipped up.

The fact she has been bad mouthing the family to others is a huge safeguarding issue. It's also malicious.

I've volunteer in schools and saw a parent who wanted to speak to a family whose child had genuinely been bullying theirs be told under no circumstances was this acceptable. They were told it would be seen as taking matters into their own hands and could escalate if the other family did not take it well. They were told any such issue would result in all parties being banned from the school premises. When one parent did indeed take another to task she was sent a letter which told her she was now banned and would have to pick up and drop off at the office and she could not enter the playground.

Being accused of racism as a family could have huge repercussions and it sounds as if it's made up anyway.

And yes, I do think she should contact the local schools police liaison as this is what they deal with, Muppet parents being gobby and causing potential damage to the wellbeing of children including their own. I'm not suggesting court or fines or criminal records, but a warning regards spreading malicious falsehood and it to be kept on file in case of further incidents.

Personally I would be contacting the police,

Whaaaatttt don't you think the police have enough to do right now, dangerously under resourced and trying to combat ACTUAL racist riots up and down the country!

Don't contact the police! Mad.

Appreciate this is not the point of this thread but how on earth does a four year old know what gay is, or be able to identify a gay person by sight which is impossible in any case?

Because we know lots of gay people and one of his reception friends had two mums. Lots of kids have gay people in their lives. How do kids know about straight people?

About what? It’s hearsay and nothing more at the moment. Don’t automatically assume that it must have occurred.

I've had this unfortunately despite not being white a family but a girl in dc's class is actually really mean to dc and I've actually witnessed this on a few occasions at school pick up where she was telling dc to shut up (she's 4) when we were walking behind them whilst dc was cheerfully telling me about his school day and on other other occasions she would actively leave dc out and say mean stuff. Dc was speech delayed then and said he doesn't like darker skin referring to the girl because she's been mean to him. The funny thing was, there were other kids dc plays with who are not white and were much darker than this particular girl and he has no issues about skin colour then but with this particular girl I had to explain to him that it's not because of the colour of her skin that you don't like, it's because she hasn't been kind to you but you must remain kind to her and if she's mean to you, you have to tell the teacher.

In our case, he was actually describing her appearance as it's easier for him to say that than eloquently say that he doesn't like this child because she's been horrible to him and add speech delay to the mix. If the mother of this girl ever confronted me about this, I wouldn't have apologised though instead reminded her to model pleasant and kind behaviour to her gobby little girl .

Yes this can be true, but you don’t just do nothing about it! Parents need to be anti racist and teach their children to not be horrible.

Of course I did.

We're dealing with this. My four year old being told 'no blacks allowed' when she wants to play.