MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

For people with very elderly parents eg over 90, do you never go on holiday as any day could be there last?

This exact scenario happened to my brother in 2017, when our mother was in her final phase of life. He stayed behind and his wife went off to Portugal with their 2 girls for 10 days. Mum lasted five of those and then passed away. Brother and I were very occupied for the second half of their holiday with bureaucracy, funeral planning, taking care of Dad etc so we encouraged them to finish the holiday as the funeral couldn't take place until after they returned in any case.

I lived in Greece for a few years and have spent time in Santorini. GO - it's very safe.

And I’m assuming whilst MIL was bed bound after her first stroke it was possible (as has happened) that she would have another stroke. Would posters not have gone away for 2 years just in case?

Go on the holiday.

MiL died when we were on holiday a couple of years ago. She was already on a palliative care plan and pain relief only, no active treatment. It was the stage where you either live life or suspend everything indefinitely.

She lived in a different country where the turn around for funerals is quick. We picked up a message that she was ill (relatively), then an hour later she'd gone. DCs were 9 & 11. We sent them to play (within sight) on the beach, processed our thoughts, I went out to the DCs and DH had a bit more time to compose himself and contact siblings. They had a family whatsapp conference a few hours later then we told the DCs. We stayed on holiday a couple more days but because of funeral times had to pack (camping) early then go home then go to the airport. It also fell awkwardly with secondary transition/ summer school so DC1 and I had to leave early to fly back for that and DH and DC2 stayed with family longer.
We had already discussed logistics like this with family.

While airports aren't fun, they're simple and formulaic, you just follow the process. They are easy to navigate solo. Your holiday destination is to a straightforwards place. It's entirely viable to manage it yourself with your DC.

Being away from home detaches from the reality of the sadness. It can be happy and sad at the same time. It was better for us to continue the extra couple of days on holiday and made no practical difference on booking arrangements compared to being at home. In reality our biggest problem was a heatwave and DC's asthma flaring up and keeping him cool but avoiding triggering air con rather than the logistics of MiL reaching the end of life. She was a practical get on with life type.

Definitely go ahead with the holiday.

You will be perfectly safe in Greece. You definitely won’t be the only single parent there!!!!

I wasn't talking about the dying person, I was talking about the OP's husband.

The dying MIL has people there to hold her hand. So the question is whether the OP's husband needs someone to hold his hand. He says they should go to Greece as planned.

I would go on the holiday for two reasons.
The first being that it's unfair for the children to miss out, especially when they've been looking forward to it.
And second because I'd only be sat around at home twiddling my thumbs as there would be nothing I could do.

Does your daughter want to go? If you’re able to have a very casual, low key conversation with her and see how she feels then I would be led by her. I guess a lot will depend on how close she is to her grandmother?

Unfortunate timing, having lost a parent myself I would never even consider leaving my dh to deal with potentially losing a parent alone. His difficult relationship with his mum will just make the emotions even harder for him.

If the situation was reversed I would probably tell dh to go on holiday too as my mind would be all over the place, but I know he wouldn't. He would be there just incase I needed him.

At 12 any dc is old enough to understand there will be other holidays, this is too important a time to not be there for your dh, especially when he has his own health issues to worry about on top of everything.

Well, I wouldn't feel bad at all if I was the OP. The MIL was abusive to her sons and they owe her nothing.

The problem is that everyone is different-so there are no rights and wrongs- I would be like the OP’s DH- if my DM was dying I’d want my partner to take the kids on holiday and then I could just focus on my DM in conjunction with my siblings/ DF and not have to worry about anything else. I’d almost prefer to be just with my birth family in that situation. I’d also be v aware that DM would have been praying for this outcome since the first stroke so that might affect how I’d feel about it.

Jet2 are normally pretty good too. I would give them a ring to sound out the options. For re arranging with TUI they were happy with a letter from the hospital saying my Mum was critical. They hospital were happy to arrange this and did it very promptly.

I'd take your child, this is important to your DH and he isn't alone. A bittersweet break is still a break and it'll give your child a chance to frame emotions whilst not having to try to 'protect' DH

My friends Mum was in a similar situation healthwise, she had a stroke, then a more significant one that led to palliative care. 8 months later she had another one and then another 2 months after that she died. I don't think you should put your life on hold, this could be quick but it could also be long. Make your peace and go. I got a phone call recently to say my grandparent had been taken into hospital very ill and she was not going to agree to treatment. I travelled to visit and whilst she was pleased to see me she told me that my job was to look after my kids. We shared stories and I showed her photos. She emphatically said when I was leaving that I wasn't to be sad she was content. 10 days later she died. I didn't feel guilty that I had not dropped everything to visit again. We had peace.

Also don't put expectations on yourself for the holiday, go enjoy sunshine and ice cream and take each day as it comes and just play it by ear. It can still be a good holiday even if you don't do heaps of things and will give you the energy you need for any thing that needs taken care of when you come home.

My FIL had just moved into a palliative care unit last year when we were due to go away, my MIL insisted we still all went and he hung on for another 4 weeks after we got back

His heart isn't about to be broken. His mother was cruel and abusive.

Go. It sounds like your husband has got this and he has his brother with him.

And you will be absolutely fine travelling in Greece just you and your DD.

Please just go.

Not really related to your dilemma but if you do decide you are going without DH and you paid for insurance in the last 14 days you may be able to get a refund and buy standard travel insurance for yourself and DD.

Unfortunate timing, having lost a parent myself I would never even consider leaving my dh to deal with potentially losing a parent alone. His difficult relationship with his mum will just make the emotions even harder for him.

Not in my experience. When my abusive mum died I felt nothing. And my brother likewise. We went through the motions of dealing with her death together. And I would 100% have told my DH and kids to go on holiday if the kids had been that age.

You’ll be fine travelling alone. As a single parent I have to otherwise we’d never do anything. My to
are either side of yours age wise and it’s much easier now than when they were little. I’d go but let DH stay

I would try jet2 again and see if there's anything they can do to move it even if there's a cost or some sort of compromise you need to make. I think it's clear that there are people on here that would go anyway under the circumstances or not so only you can decide what's right for your family. All I can add is that I wouldn't worry about travelling on your own with your daughter. I remember going on holiday as a child with my mum and sister as my dad couldn't get time off work. I think the question is whether you could enjoy yourselves in the circumstances.

I'd say go. Talk to DH about it: make it clear that this is what you intend to do and check that he really is relaxed about it. Sometimes people say what they think they ought to say rather than what they really mean and you need to be sure that he's not secretly hoping you'll stay.

If he's being honest, go and have a good time and free your DH up to spend time with his family and mourn without having to worry about you and DD or feel bad about ruining your holiday plans. It will be the best thing for all of you.

Go in the spirit of making the best of it for your daughter and having a special time with her. If I was your MIL I'd be appalled at the idea of you losing out on your holiday because of me and would definitely want you to go. It'll be good for your daughter to have something new and different and rising to the challenge of holidaying alone with her will be good for you, too. Have a lovely time.

You will be safe in Greece with your DD, I would say. Depends if you feel confident about it. Assuming DH will have support of other family members and he is 100% happy with you going, it’s just a few days. DH might want to come to terms with his mums situation on his own.

My DH’s mother was cruel and abusive but she was still his mother. On the night she died he cried himself to sleep in my arms and his emotions from dealing with that plus some other things going on his life at the time prompted a nervous breakdown and psychotic episode for which he had to be hospitalised. There is no way in hell I would ever leave someone I profess to love to deal with something like that on his/her own.

We went away a few years ago when FIL was near the end of life (had dementia so wasn’t aware of anyone really). He had been for months and he hung on for a week after we got back so we were all glad we went. I didn’t pressure dh to come, but he did. in fact I was also checking insurance, but we weren’t covered as they don’t cover pre-existing conditions of relatives.
You should def go w DC.