MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

Yes do go. She wouldn't want you to miss your holiday.
We had a very similar situation when my DS was travelling in Australia
Two weeks before he was due back His granny had a massive stroke.
I knew she was delighted he had gone and wouldn't want disturb his trip
Sadly she passed away 4 days later and I told him on his return
I'm really sorry about your MiL

Having just read your last post
I think DH should go too
I understand about FOG, but if she was abusive she wouldn't have wanted him to have a lovely holiday!

My family were in this situation last year - it was our dad. My brother decided to still take his family away, and we all agreed it was the right decision. He couldn’t have done anything if he was here, and he didn’t want to let his children down. If your DH doesn’t want to go, that’s fine, but I do think if he thinks you should go then you should. It might be for the best, get the kids out of the house so if the worst happens he can grieve in peace.

Speaking from experience here.... my late mother - a great woman- was ill after many small strokes over the years, we never knew when the next one would happen.

There are four children and we (thankfully) were very united in her care/visiting and so on, that can be tricky but we were lucky.

Every one of us had our annual holiday whether Mum was admitted to hospital in a serious condition or not. We all went away when planned and the others took over, but we made sure that there was someone here to look after her and other things in the event.... Mum would not have wanted anything different. She said so. However none of us went away during her final illness and she died within 3 or so weeks. But we knew the end was near.

So I would go as DIL and GD, having visited her first if you can and see her beforehand. There is nothing more you can do really and YOU might resent cancelling if she manages to survive longer than your holiday. Life really does go on.

Let your husband make his own decisions. If he wants to stay, then stay. I think he will regret it if he doesn't and will forever feel the guilt.

Go on holiday with your dd. Your dh can stay with his mother.

I think that you should go, there's nothing you can do here. I certainly wouldn't be considering flying home should she die. As long as your husband is ok with that, then just make sure that your DD enjoys the holiday. In view of your updates that's definitely the way to go.

Go, Santorini is perfect for a mum and DD trip - I’ve been many times and it’s very easy to navigate.

it sounds like your DH is staying for his brother which is admirable but given his brother is saying go I think he should have an honest convo with him and go with you provided his brother is genuine.

at this stage there is nothing to be done for MIL.

I agree completely @Divasaurus , some of these comments are not pleasant to read. "There's nothing you can do", just short of saying "sure she's practically gone already, no point in staying". When my dad was dying I wanted to be nowhere else but by his side, holding his hand. My DH was either with me, sometimes just sitting outside in the car, or he was at home ready to talk, or just give me a hug, when I got home each day. I would absolutely do the same for him.

A holiday is just a holiday, there will be more. Losing a parent is one of the biggest moments of life, it certainly was for me anyway, a holiday in comparison is completely insignificant. Yes of course 'life goes on' but it doesn't have to 'go on' immediately. It's also okay for 'business as usual' to be paused while we deal with impending loss, with bereavement and grief.

I would be deeply disappointed if my life partner headed off on their holidays while I was so deeply sad and worried. It's not about what you can 'do', it's just about 'being there' for your partner.

I understand why you are nervous op but you can do this!

The whole situation sounds complex, the best thing you can do is go and enjoy this holiday. It sounds like your MIL doesn't deserve the time and money wasted if you and DD didn't go. Go and have fun and take on this big adventure- the worst that happens is you're anxious and choose to stay in your hotel a lot, or you fly home! You can absolutely do this. Be prepared for her death while you're away of course, but if your DH is wanting you to go, then go.

Have a look online at solo travellers- often young women by themselves doing mini breaks, holidays and even months long travelling alone. You're not alone, you have your DD and you are absolutely capable of travelling with her. Show her how brave you can be!

If you would be deeply disappointed in your partner and child going on a planned holiday when you had told them to still go, you would be very unreasonable.

If what you need in that situation is your immediate family there holding your hand then that's fine but you should be able to say so.

There are so many posters here telling the OP to do the opposite of what her husband has said he wants her to do, because they're projecting their own emotions onto a family they don't know from Adam and think they know better.

I really think that your DH should go too. The timing is awful , or at least see if he can rearrange to fly out to join you on Monday? She will most likely stabilise and it will do him good .

just to add, how would you feel about travelling alone with a child?

I wouldn’t fancy it with a baby but a ten year old will be fine!

I wouldn’t cancel her holiday so she can be sad here-go and take her mind off it.

@Wishimaywishimight I don't know if she's the right person to provide that support though. She doesn't like the woman.

I've also lost a parent and it was the most traumatising and draining experience of my life so far. I don't think I would have had the energy to be physically around someone who didn't feel as devastated as I did.

It doesn't matter whether the OP thinks she was a good DM. He won't just be grieving his actual DM but the DM he wished he could have had.

I do wonder if the person that DH actually needs right now is his DB.

If you think he’s comfortable with you going I think you should go, I’ve found it easier with situations like this where you don’t have to consider your “other” family, you can just concentrate on your birth family. He won’t have to make sure dd hears appropriate conversations or make sure she’s ok.

I would just make sure everything is left ok at home, as in washing done, house tidy, ready meals in the fridge, plenty of milk etc and maybe any pets arranged as if your away.

It isn’t clear which way round the AIBU is, but yes I’d go. And yes I’d feel safe travelling to a mainstream holiday destination.

Definitely go OP and don't come back if she dies while you're away. I'd do this anyway, even more so given the history.

Go on the holiday with your daughter. DH stay with his mother and family. Your MIL will not benefit massively from you and DD being there. It won’t make much difference now sadly. But I think your DH does have to be there.

I don’t suppose DD has had a great relationship with MIL as she doesn’t sound like your typical cosy granny. She also appears to have been bed bound for the last 2 years, so plenty of time to have had the bedside chats, reminiscing etc.

I would think most decent grandparents would want their grandchildren to be off enjoying themselves not sitting round a bed waiting for granny to die. If they didn’t go on holiday would DD be able to go on day trips, go out with friends, shopping, see a film at the cinema? All these things she could be doing when granny passes.

Go - travelling alone with a kid -I have always travelled with my girls alone they are now 9 and 13. First as to cover the holidays it wasn't possible for their Dad and I to take more than a week off together each year, and we are now separated. I love going away with them we like doing the same things. We are off to Kefalonia in a week and I cannot wait to hang out with we are a great little team!

@99problemsandthetimeis1 I see what you're saying and I do understand that viewpoint. I just feel, personally, that what the OP thinks of her MIL is not all that relevant, it's just being there and available for her DH and her daughter.

I get that people see things differently though and what I wanted in my family and relationship would not be the right thing for everyone.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Just with regard to your comment about the dying person needing to say whether they wanted someone there holding her hand, in the later stages of dying the person may not be conscious enough, or at all, to make these decisions. Even if conscious, it is a lot to expect a person going through this to make any decisions, they are frail and vulnerable. Before watching my dad die, I really did not know what it was like at the end.

@NoSourDough my FIL passed a couple of weeks ago after nearly 2 years of us thinking the end was imminent, every trip/ holiday any of us took was always a worry that it would happen at that time. Go on your holiday , you can't live your life like this, your daughter will be worried as it is and will likely benefit from time with you to chat things through on holiday. You can always fly home if your needed but it could happen tomorrow or in 6 months we never know! With regards to a solo trip you will manage it absolutely fine!

Go to Greece with your DD.
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. Your DH is definitely right in staying there with her and his family.

I have travelled alone with both of my children aged 9 and 12. We have had brillant holidays! Met lots of other holiday friends, to the point where there's a gang of us now from all over the country that holiday together. Go. Have a great time. Sorry to hear about your MIL

No I wouldn’t go. How bad would you all feel if she passed and your away. There will be other holidays.