MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

What the OP thinks of her MIL is relevant if her DH knows her feelings and they would bother him. It's so personal. He might be like you and just want his closest people near him regardless, or he might only want people there who can relate to how he's feeling. The fact that he knows he hasn't had a straightforward parent/child relationship complicates matters and makes it very difficult for those of us on the outside to predict.

I think it's important that this is led by her DH. Only the OP can know if her DH is genuinely saying to go away on holiday or if he's trying to put on a brave face and really means 'please don't go, I desperately need you by my side.'

It's a stereotype, but men are more likely to say what they mean. So, as he's already told the OP to go, he may well not need/want her there right now.

I think it’s a very personal decision. It’s not wrong for you and DD to go on the holiday without DH and it’s not wrong if you prefer to stay. I think how close you were with MIL and how close your child was and if she will want to see her etc, will factor into your decision.

If your husband says he doesn’t need your support then I think it’s ok to go. Does your daughter really still want to go though? I’m not sure at 12 whether I could have been able to go have a jolly time while knowing my grandmother could be dying. Maybe check with her?

Yes go. He can join you if she passes and feels he needs your support or time out. I’m a single parent and take my children abroad alone. It’s actually great bonding time.

Go

She wouldn't be staying for her MIL she would be staying to support her dh, who feels he must stay, during a very difficult time.

I couldn't bring myself to abandon my dh in these circumstances for a jolly.

I think in your circumstances i would go, and encourage DH to come too but accept his decision if he doesn’t want to.
MIL may go on for months yet. Our neighbour had a massive stroke but still survived, unconcious for nearly 3 months. Was awful for his poor family.

Go, good for you and your child to be away, there is very little that you can actually do by staying and I am sure your MIL would want her grandchild to have a holiday. I am sorry that you and your family are going through this

Well, I think the husband should go on holiday as well. His brother has said he should go.

The update about your MIL’s treatment of your husband makes me even more think your place is by his side, not on holiday.

Her passing may bring up all sorts of emotions in him. I think you should be with him. The fact that he is telling you to go is testimony to what a great guy he is, not necessarily that it’s the right thing to do, especially if he himself isn’t in the best of health.

i appreciate your daughter will be disappointed, but at times like this I think families stick together.

That’s just my opinion, only because you asked.

edited to add that I agree that your husband should go with you. I’m not against the holiday: just leaving him alone.

Im sorry for what your family is going through.

This is exactly what happened with one of our elderly relatives, two in fact, thinking about it. Each time the family had a long time to prepare for what was going to happen. The hardest thing was to be on watch for it and there were several crisis points where they prepared for the worst and then it wasn't.

Of course it is a gamble, but I think if you DH is ok with you going, you've explored options and thought it through, I would be guided by him. You have time to visit with DD before you go I presume. Even if it happens whilst you are away he knows he has your support and you will be with him soon. You can easily keep in touch in phonecalls and facetimes if he needs it. It really isn't like you are abandoning him. This is part of a two year illness, familiy been supporting each other throughout. They know you will be coming back and doing the same. I believe it's the support afterwards when people are coming to terms with it all and dealing with practical things - that takes more than a week or two and that is significant and you will be there to do that.

Your DH and BIL are there, supporting MIL and each other. He is representing your family unit.
I think having you looking after DD on holiday is one less thing for him to worry about as a pp said.

If it was me, I'd want my children and grandchildren to carry on with their lives. There would have been a lot of contact in the run up to this. If someone has been that ill, in reality you've been saying goodbye to them many times and when they were still able to communicate.

If the same scenario had happened in our case, we would have been told by the relative's spouse and indeed the relative (if they'd been able to speak) to continue with the holiday plan.

Wishing you well whatever your decision

You sound like a lovely family who communicate well.
Your husband is leading the way with confidence and I would be grateful for that.
So I would echo his attitude and make the best of the situation for your daughter. I would go and hope that DH feels he can join you after a few days, depending on his mother’s condition.
Good luck OP - think of it as an adventure, just the two of you.

Go. And you’ll be fine as the lone parent. Ypu won’t be the only one in the hotel either. I took my kids on my own in the 80s to a country that wasn’t at the time a huge tourist destination, we were absolutely fine. Also took them to mainland Spain and ( I think) Tenerife.

@NoSourDough you’re going on a package holiday not trekking the Himalayas, and your dd is 12, not 2.

this is the BEST time for you and her to travel, before she gets all teenager and stroppy 🤣

you will have a wonderful time with her, it’ll be a little adventure for you both without the danger or worry.

Your H says do it, it’ll give him the space to do what he needs to do without feeling guilty about leaving you. You’ll be on the other end of the phone to support him, and it’s ONLY 10 days.

Go!! ☺️

Given that your husband is happy for you to go, I would. Keep in contact with him to see how things are going.

You should all go. Any mother would want you to go as a family. Your BiL can manage for a week.

All 3 of you should go. She sounds horrid and her dying doesn't change that.

Santorini is lovely but the most expensive island we've been to so expect that and you'll be okay.

@NoSourDough What a horrible position for you to be in. So sorry to read this.

Firstly, you will be fine on your own, with a 12 year old. Santorini will be fine. Lots of holiday makers go there every year and it's as safe as anywhere else.

However, I agree with another poster that you might be able to change the dates and go later in the year - although many Greek tourist destinations, do start to shut down early in October and if the October break is later in the month, that might not be an option for you. Best to check if you go down this route.

How do you think your daughter will feel about being away on holiday if your MIL dies before you get back? That I think, is probably the most important thing to consider before deciding what to do. As MIL is unresponsive, there is nothing that anyone can do, except wait, but I think she is old enough for you to discuss it with her and see what she wants to do? That might make it easier to come to a decision? Either way, you will be back before any funeral might happen, even if MIL passes quickly

Your DH would not be a bad person, if he decided to come with you, everyone reacts to these things differently. But it sounds like he would feel very guilty if he did come with you, even although his Brother has told him just to come with you, so that's not an option from the sounds of it.

Thinking of you all

You should definitely go.

My father was taken ill three years ago and the hospital consultant said it was likely he would not live longer than a few weeks.

He is still here with us, sadly bed bound in a nursing home though.

Not an issue, been travelling alone with my child since he was 3.

The fact that your husband has a complex relationship with his mother is actually more reason for you to stay to support him through it. The dying/death of a parent who fell short in their nurturing of their child can throw up all sorts of unexpected and acute emotions. The fact that he himself has ongoing undiagnosed health issues is another factor which needs consideration. The difficulties with travel insurance suggest his symptoms are not insignificant.

Its a family decision, no one on here can sway you either way.

All i'd say is MiL is unlikely to know very much about what is going on, there is family who can visit and should the worse happen and she dies, you'll all be back for the funeral.

However, it does appear you don't want to travel on your own.

My father's mother was seriously ill just before we were due to go on our first family holiday abroad.
She hadn't been the best mother to her 4 children.
We all went on holiday, with the full blessing of the family and had a lovely time. We only stipulated that should she die, they funeral was delayed until our return.
She died the day we returned.
My Dad was upset but did not regret going on holiday.

Go, if DH has support there. Santorini fine alone with a child. Definitely go

I agree that you should go. There is nothing that would be improved by you and your DD being in the UK right now and you don't have (for good reason) the emotional connection.

Even if she does die in the coming days, you won't miss a funeral on just a week, it gives your OH space to focus on what needs to be done as he's feeling unable to come - and then you're back once he's through that twilight period to give him a huge hug.