MIL massive stroke 3 days before holiday

[NoSourDough]

We are due to fly to Greece tomorrow evening.

MIL (79) had a serious (second) stroke on Tuesday morning. The first one was 2 years ago, she has been bed ridden since that first one with limited speech and mobility.

We saw her Sunday morning and she was fine (she was still living at home with my BIL and carers coming in 4 times a day) but sadly had another stroke on Tuesday.

Shes in hospital and unresponsive, consultant yesterday said it’s doubtful she will come out of hospital. It’s palliative now however a waiting game.

DH morally cannot leave his brother or MIL and come on holiday (understandably). Travel insurance will not cover this third party event (we have checked).

We have a 12 year old DD who has never been on a plane before and has been looking forward to this holiday for months.

DH insists that I should take her whilst he stays here. I feel like MIL could be in this condition for weeks, perhaps he could come but I understand that would be unreasonable. His brother is telling him to come but DH won’t do it.

Should I travel alone for 10 days to Greece with DD? What would you do?

Does BIL have a partner?

In these circumstances I am sure DH would tell me to go on holiday with DC.

I would go. When my parent died, I wanted DH to keep things as normal as possible for the kids and that would have included going on holiday. There was nothing he could have done. I hope your DH can fly out for some of it if he feels able to.

Because his brother would be on his own and he is telling him to go.

The OP said that she was abusive to both brothers, so they owe her nothing.

I wonder now if it's becoming more about "How do I persuade DH to come with me, at least part of the time?".

I'd definitely go. She's 12 not a toddler. It will be fun!
Nothing you do will impact the outcome for MIL. It's the circle of life.

I think that had this been a first time event then insurance would have covered it but as it's not her first stroke then it won't.
As a grandmother etc I wouldn't expect my family to miss a much needed holiday, she's in hospital being cared for and there's nothing that can be done except wait for the inevitable though I do understand that were he to go on holiday his mind will be back in the UK.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds as if MIL’s passing is imminent and DH may think he can cope now when it isn’t yet a reality but he will need all the emotional and practical support he can get when it actually happens.

Also, speaking as someone who lost my beloved grandfather to a massive stroke followed by coma when I was 12, I am so glad that I was able to visit him in hospital whilst I still could, hold his hand and tell him that I loved him. Those moments have sustained me in all the years that followed. I still miss him even now in my 40s.

I would go. Cancel DHs expensive insurance.

Do go, OP, and you and Dd enjoy your holiday.

You will miss DH of course, but it will probably be a worry off his plate that you two are relaxed and your Dd has the holiday she has looked forward to.

We can be compassionate even when we have reservations about the patient, meanwhile there is no point in making pointless sacrifices: there is nothing or little you can do now, and your DH and his brother can focus on dealing with the situation.

Also , IF she passes while you are away I wouldn’t fly back unless your DH clearly needs you and asks you to.

Also, I would not suggest you start negotiating direct with the hotel about different dates. It would be a possibility if you had booked your own accommodation but The package companies block book rooms, the risk is theirs, your contract is with the company. With possible language issues you risk giving the idea that you are cancelling your rooms…

Jesus, some really cold comments on here - the girl’s grandmother/OP’s husband’s mother is about to pass away! I couldn’t go away and have ‘fun’ whilst my husband’s heart was about to be broken.

I didn't under similar circumstances but DH is an only child. Not sure if I would have done even if he had a sibling though. You won't enjoy yourself knowing he's going through all that surely. Get on to Jet2 and see if you can move it.

I had a similar problem when my mother was very ill. Say goodbye and go. There's no point sitting waiting for someone to die, especially if they are not aware. If DH stays he could be off getting a coffee when she goes. Life is for the living!

Sitting by the bedside and remembering the good times and preparing for the death is for MIL's sons, not you. The best support you can give is facilitating space for the short time that DH and BIL have left with their mom. Take DD on holiday. It's one less thing for DH to worry about right now.

Even allowing for the fact that MIL wasn't the nicest mom to her kids... This is still the final opportunity for her boys to process their childhoods and maybe say some things to her that they don't have to share with anyone else. (Particularly not their DD/niece who may think of MIL differently.) Grief can be complicated at the best of times but the loss of a parent is always intensely personal to their kids. Both DH and BIL have clearly indicated you should go on holiday with DD. You will be needed when MIL is actually gone, not rn. x

I can’t speak to whether you should stay or go family-wise, only you know your family dynamics.

But I do think it’s telling that you are anxious about travelling alone with your daughter who’s 12. Not little!

It sounds like you are close as a family of 3, which is lovely. But you need to stay in the habit of doing things alone and as a lone parent. God forbid something happens to DH and you have to make all the decisions.

Even if you stay behind on this occasion, maybe try to do more new things in future? Do them little and often, alone and with your DD. Trust your own judgement. Feel your own strength and capability. If something goes wrong, you’ll handle it.

Is your DD close to your MIL? You only mentioned how excited she was about the holiday. In the nicest possible way, she's the right age to be self-absorbed and not really care about anything apart from her own fun, so it could be that her GM passing won't actually mean anything to her. Does she know MIL is ill? Does she know there is a very real chance MIL will die when she's away?

You don't actually like MIL. Are you the right person to be at DH's side while he's losing his DM? Or would he better placed being there with his DB, who is likely to have the same complex feelings as he is?

Out of you, DH and DD, I think DH's feelings matter the most here, and he is going to have the longest and most profound emotional ride during and after. I think you need to reflect honestly on whether you and DD are going to be an emotional support to him that he needs, or just one adult who feels awkward about not feeling sadder than she does, and one sulky teen who wanted to be somewhere else.

I don't mean that in a horrible way - I just want you to be realistic about it. There's no point cancelling if you being there isn't going to make it better.

It may be that DH doesn't care and just wants you near. It may be that he'd rather have the space to feel sad about his DM without what he perceives as judgement, and sit with his DB who has the same mixed emotions. I completely get why you don't like MIL - your love is for your DH and as far as you're concerned, she's someone who hurt him. But those feelings are a reason why it might make more sense for you to step back a little and take yourself and DD away for a little break.

Without any other information... I think I'd be inclined to go, but to check in with DH regularly. Send him messages and make clear he doesn't have to reply if he's not up to it, but you are thinking of him, and you can call him anytime if he decides he wants a chat.

Go! This sounds like a dream for me, going on holiday with my DD (we usually have to accommodate DH, DS1 and DS2).

I'm just a bit worried about your DH due to your update. Do you think his mum is still controlling him? Is the guilt he would feel at going her voice in his head? I think if his brother wants him to go then he should go but only if he is at peace that should she pass it would make no difference if he was there or not.

@Divasaurus some GPs would much rather their grandchildren were having fun rather than sitting around waiting for granny to die. If they don’t go on holiday what should the 12yo be doing during the school holidays whilst granny is in limbo

I agree. It's a complex situation but if your DH wants you to go and will have his own support while you're away there's no reason to feel guilty.

Be confident and organised while travelling OP, remind yourself of airport process, have details of the hotel, contacts, maybe research a day trip etc.

You might just spark an interest in travel and inspire DD that women can travel independently.

And enjoy yourselves, no moping or guilts!

Thank you x

If you were my DIL I'd say go and have as good a time as you can. I'd say 'do it for me.' I'd feel awful about my son staying too, and I'd hope he wouldn't. I'd feel so guilty.

Personally I think all 3 of you should go.
There is very little to be achieved by hanging around the sick be and his brother sounds like he’s fine with it which would be my only concern.
And I wouldn’t fly back either if anything happened. It will all still be here waiting for you.
But if your husband won’t go then definitely you and your daughter. But I might try the company again today and grovel to change the ticket name so your friend can go.

Absolutely go. With a package holiday it will all be very easy. This will also be a great example to your DD how women can be strong and independent. Go and make the best of things (again a great example to DD). Explain how you and her Dad have discussed everything and why you think it’s a good idea the two of you go as her Dad feels
he has enough support, but if he needs you you might have to cut the holiday short. Things like this are so important to show children how to navigate through life’s complexities.

wishing you and your family all the best

Yes - she controlled them both for years. The conditioning will take years to undo.

I would absolutely go.

Hopefully your DH may be able to join you later

Friends saved up and paid to go to NZ to visit their daughter who'd was about to have her first baby. His mother had another stroke. The hospital told them to go. She lived on for over two months .