To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

Tbh I love my DD more than life itself but if my husband told me he was taking her camping for 4-5 nights I would be bowing out too. Camping is so, so shit and that's such a long time. If he didn't explicitly agree to it originally you can't be mad at him.

That's because it is all on you. You husband is not involved in family life. He is basically a lodger in the lives of you and the children.

As for being a martyr, it's not that you do it all that makes your a martyr. It's when and how you do things, such as putting furniture together when recovering from surgery or buyng a tent that's almost too heavy for you to lift.

OP, you can't make people do anything they don't want to do. If he wanted to he would, but he's not. You can only draw your conclusions from there and base your decisions on what you know.

I would love to tell you to go nuclear on him, but, without wanting to jump the gun, the sort of self-centred behaviour he displays and your passive reaction to it suggests an emotionally abusive dynamic where you're essentially walking on eggshells around him.

In a normal, emotionally healthy relationship, you'd feel able to tell him that he needs to fucking pull his weight and stop being a passenger without being afraid of his reaction.

In a normal, healthy relationship, if he was there he would be pulling his weight. Feeling you have to call someone a lazy arse, whether you are afraid of his reaction or not, is already an indication that something is wrong.

Camping is nice for like one weekend a year in decent weather.

And at a push one other night when it's the sensible option instead of a hotel.

Otherwise book me into a hotel which for the money you've spent on the tent could be quite a nice one

I'm not usually a one for LTB but I am not at all sure what benefit there is to remaining in this marriage.

If the dc are desperate to go camping sign them up for scouts or something .

Are you happy to stay married to him OP. Your life with him doesn’t seem to be happy at all.
He brings nothing to your life and especially nothing to your children’s life.
He sounds like a miserable tight lazy Husband and Father.
I couldn’t stay with someone who takes so little interest in the family. It’s very sad.

I’m not sure why you’re still with him tbh. Your updates and previous threads demonstrate that he doesn’t really give a shit about his family.

I wouldn’t be paying for any 5* holidays for him either. Leave him at home, then you and DC can go for two weeks which you would prefer, for similar price. You’re doing him a favour, enabling him to spend yet another week doing what he wants.

If you're happy and confident to go on your own, what are you moaning about?

What is he bringing into this marriage? If you were to leave would it make your life harder or easier?

It's a husband problem.

I had the same. Married to his business. Worked 14 hour days. Refused to take time off. Never wanted to do anything with the kids. Anything that needed doing around the house was either me, or me nagging him. All had to be on his terms. I ended up taking the kids away alone several years in a row, as he didn't want to. They did, but he chose not to listen to them when they told him they wanted dad to come too (never ever camping though... Lovely fortnights abroad without him)

Notice my use of the past tense.

We divorced after 20 years. Kids have very little to do with him now, as he chose to have little to do with them as they grew up.

If you've never been in the situation, you can't empathise with what the OP is experiencing.

I rarely say it, but on this occasion I'm calling LTB now. Else you'll do it later and regret wasting years of your life expecting him to get better or do more.

He won't.

Enjoy your lone camping with your lovely children.

Yep, this. Is he actually willing to contribute his time to anything for his children/family? It sounds like he's now seeing your enthusiasm for camping as an excuse to spend even more time away from his family and being a parent. OP, any chance you can downsize the tent so that it is big enough for the three of you and easy to put up and down on your own? I think you husband is a lost cause.

I think yabu. He wasn’t overly enthusiastic, which should have been your first clue that he’s not really interested in camping. I couldn’t think of anything worse and wouldn’t be going either.

Tell him to F off altogether

You may as well be on your own!

“AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?”

Yes YABU.

1. you should of thought about pitching and packing away before the purchase. You said he wasn’t enthusiastic about the purchase so that should of given you a hint.
2. again you should of thought about that before deciding on camping.
3. as a family could a decision it of been made together about what you could do rather than you making the decision then not being happy that DH doesn’t want to go along with it

Honestly, and respectfully, you sound like a bit of a martyr. I'm sure the TV unit didn't need to be built the day after your surgery.

You've purchased a tent he didn't want for holidays he doesn't want to go on and you're mad at him.

Are the kids keen to go because you've made it such a big deal?

I wouldn't invest £1500 in something I knew wasn't going to be loved by everyone.

He's a grown man who doesn't have to go.

This isn’t really about camping, it’s about you doing life alone while shackled to a man. You make his life convenient in the name of family life while he contributes very little by the sound of it.

Stop facilitating him. Don’t pay for his holidays, stop covering all the bases and maybe you’ll realise you’re better off without him if you’re doing it alone anyway.

Your relationship makes me sad reading about it

As a teacher, you can often discern which are the camping children in a class, they are often calmer, less materialistic, less reliant on screens, more imaginative, less materialistic and more confident and appreciative.

What rubbish.
In fact sounds like your entire post is a fantasy - I dont believe a word of it.

I wouldn't go either. You do you.

OP and a lot of posters have commented that this guy is "checked out of family life" - but he goes on two long haul family holidays a year, and went on the "test weekend" for the new tent, so he isn't fully checked out....

He works very hard - I assume the family benefits from his income? If not, if he keeps the majority of it for himself, that's perhaps different. But if he is working to allow you all a great lifestyle, then I think that does deserve some kudos yes.....

And some people just hate camping. Why would you want to insist the person you love does a thing they hate? Just go with the kids while he's working......

It makes me sad living it 🤣

Brutally, he clearly doesn’t give a shit. Did he even want kids? Presumably he was this uninvolved before they arrived? I frankly don’t see the point of him. You do all the running in this relationship, even to the point of paying half of holidays despite earning far less. Have you looked at how much you’d get if you dumped the useless arse? I can’t see why you’d want to stay, it’s not like he’d want the dc 50% from the sounds of it.

Why the assumption that he works very hard? He works for his own benefit. But actually probably less than 30 hours a week? If anyone works hard out of the two of us, it’s 100% me. Yet he earns a lot more for doing a lot less.

Perhaps have a read of my update if you haven’t already in regards to his work and finances. Yes he pays the general house hold bills, but that’s it. I have no access to any of his accounts but I know that he’s building himself a nice fund for himself. I’m the one who pays for literally everything else and provides the lifestyle that we have and give the DC what they have/the experiences they have.