To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

It certainly feels like he doesn’t give a shit. He did want kids, yes.

I have and we’d obviously be financially a lot worse off. We’d survive, but I imagine our life would change quite a lot. He wouldn’t have the DC 50% no, he’d only end up palming them off on GP’s if he did as they would prevent him from working.

Truthfully I think I’d be a lot happier as there are other issues too.

Why not just leave him? Sounds like you can afford to.

Are you an influencer OP?

The difference is, when I’d discussed my ideas of getting a tent and going camping, he never once objected/said it was a bad idea/that he wouldn’t come.

This is the key bit that made me vote YANBU. You discussed it with him. The default obviously was that you intended this as a family affair. If he knew he wasn’t into camping, or even wasn’t sure if it was for him, he should have piped up then. You could always have borrowed/ hired a tent for a “trial” trip to see if he was ok with it if he wasn’t sure.

Now that you’ve shelled out so much money, I don’t think he should be refusing to come.

What were his ideas as to what you all should do for a family holiday.

He sounds incredibly selfish and you sound fully able to support yourself. Something to think about...

I knew you’d get loads of replies saying you bought the tent, he didn’t even want to, so therefore why should he go with you!!

I would only agree to this if he categorically said no way am I camping so don’t bother. He didn’t so I feel he’s being unreasonable.

Families are about compromise. And why wouldn’t he want to spend time with you all? This is the bigger issue isn’t it.

He was also unreasonable to sit back and watch you put up a massive tent. In fact this would piss me off BIG time.

But some mumsnetters will tell you that it’s your fault because you bought the tent so you should of course put it up.

What a selfish and bizarre attitude. What happened to caring for your partner and doing something for the greater good and to be kind.

I’m not an influencer no; I wouldn’t mind their income however!

This is my thought process.

“families are about compromise” - 100% agree. And I think the reason it hurts me more is because I’ve given more than my fair share of compromise and sacrifice for him and his business over the years, and he can’t make any compromises whatsoever for his family.

To be frank, OP, I’d be looking to divorce him.

I can’t tell you how much more enjoyable family holidays are since I got divorced.

And there’s far less resentment in “doing everything” if there isn’t a lazy arse just sat in front of you, scrolling through his phone. This was the case even when the DC were small!

Now mine are 15 and 10 so the big one will lift anything heavy as she’s a lot stronger than me! And the younger one isn’t bad at helping now either.

Straw and camel's back. Would it be tricky to find all of his money as finances are separate? I've heard about forensic accountants on here, might be worth investigating. Is he aware that you're thinking of splitting? Or does he just not bothered? He'd be losing a lot more than you!

You just seem to be adapting your answers to whatever you feel the criticism is at the time.

He works too much, he’s a workaholic etc - has now become he only works 30 hours a week and you work more.

So he is always at work is a lie because 30 hours is not being always at work. I would love to do a 30 hour week.

You are flip flopping from one nonsensical moan to the next. You say you bought it and have been blasé about going it alone. You’re capable and intended to go just you and the kids (according to some posts). According to others your life would be in danger if you did so, because you’re a poor weak female who needs a man to fix everything and hold the heavy things…

I’m honestly not surprised he’s not keen on engaging with you because you really do
sound exhausting. It sounds very passive aggressive and that’s not a pleasant way for either of you to live.

Your marriage sounds pretty broken and a tent was never going to fix that.

My husband would come camping (if I had a blow to the head and decided I want to subject us all to such torture) and he would absolutely want to help with the lifting, carrying, camping admin. He wouldn’t leave a TV unit unbuilt. He wants to be around us and makes sure we know it. But that’s nothing to do with camping and everything to do with the fact we are happily married.

Clearly you aren’t. With one breath you’re saying how he’s so disengaged in family life and another you’re posting in confusion that he doesn’t want to prioritise a miserable 5 days in a tent over anything other than a miserable 5 days in a tent. He was already disengaged from family life, what did you actually expect?

Camping is REALLY hard work even for those who actually enjoy it. Your marriage sounds equally hard work. It’s not surprising regardless of whose fault the state of your marriage is that he doesn’t fancy 5 nights under canvas all stuck together pretending it’s a jolly holiday….

So you’d like me to explain every single little ounce of our life and situation in order to ease any potential ambiguity that any of the potentially thousands of MN readers may have when reading my OP and further posts?

to ease any confusion - DH spends a considerable amount of time at his place of work by his own choice. The actual amount of hours spent actually working is less than 30. But he chooses to dedicate his time to his work place, because his business is his priority. So on the face of it he would appear to be a workaholic and works every hour under the sun, but he actually only gets paid for ~30 hours…he just has poor time management and fills his days with “work related stuff” that he doesn’t actually get paid for and doesn’t have to do.

im not adapting any answers. There’s a huge host of other issues that add to all of this which I’m not going to go into as I’d just be accused of drip feeding.

I’m not appreciating your tone that I am actually the problem here; when you have no idea of the wider picture.

have you read the entire thread with all of my updates?

And he never will OP

He's not going to change.

It's up to you if you put up with this or not.

So on the face of it he would appear to be a workaholic and works every hour under the sun, but he actually only gets paid for ~30 hours…he just has poor time management and fills his days with “work related stuff”

Just as an aside because this is not the main point of the thread... this is just what it's like being self employed isn't it? You have to do all your own marketing/sales, tax accounts etc etc. To an outsider it looks like inefficient busywork because they aren't billable tasks but they have to get done.

Anyway I'm with the other posters who say this marriage seems to have died a death. You have a lot of scorn and contempt for your husband - whether justified or not it's hard to say because your posts are rambling and stray from the point (eg saying your dh should worry about your safety, while insisting you don't worry about it yourself etc etc).

It does sound a bit like you dislike him so you find faults in a scattergun way to justify your dislike rather than you disliking him because of those faults.

But regardless of the justification, you loathe him. Might as well end it surely

Maybe so, but in this instance; no, no it’s not. Plus he doesn’t do any of that himself, pays others to do it. Ironically..

obviously be financially a lot worse off. We’d survive, but I imagine our life would change quite a lot.

If you’re the one facilitating the DC’s lives and out-earning your DH - or at least what he chooses to contribute - and he only spends 2 weeks a year grudgingly on ‘family time’ then I don’t know why you think you’d be worse off.

Divorce makes everyone poorer, this is undeniably true. But in a day-to-day sense (rather than an overall net worth sense) you sound in a decent position to ditch the selfish twat and move on.

This. That said it sounds like he had opportunities to express reticence and gave it a bash. He could have been more open about his lack of enthusiasm.

How old are your kids? Too young to help?
In my limited experience of camping (which I dislike) there is no shortage of people prepared to give you a hand to drag something in or out of a boot so I would just crack on

He's married to a control freak.

🤣🤣 if only that was true!

I must admit I'm more on team DH.

Last year DH bought a motorhome. We already tried a motorhome holiday with DS when he was younger, and it was not a success. But nothing would saturate DH except he got this motorhome.

So I said yes on the basis he would mostly be using it with ddog and if I was using it I wouldn't be responsible for navigation of any sort because I hate it, and he would be responsible for cleaning and maintenance issues including emptying the ghastly toilet thing .

To bystanders it may look like I am being lazy on the odd occasion I sleep in the thing, but I would much rather be sleeping in a proper bed with a proper toilet, so really Ive done about as much compromising as I can without cleaning another toilet/sink/kitchen area.

Ironically the one thing good about the motorhome is it's better than camping.

Never been camping in my adult life, hated it as a child, same for DH, and we are exceptionally low screen, both in our parenting and in our own lives. We do value having lots of different experiences though and have stayed everywhere from an empty “glamping” pod, camper van, caravan, travel lodges, hotels, some wonderful quirky accommodation found on air b&b! Holidays are always zero screen apart from the car or flight. I just can’t stand tents 😅

If you can afford all that I don't see why you didn't get a handyman in to build the TV unit as your husband is so (wilfully) useless

Oof there’s a lot to unpack here but the long and short of it is you’re both unreasonable.

You’re unreasonable for spending so much money on a hobby you’re not even sure you like yet, and taking your DH’s lack of objection as enthusiasm. Surely you would know him well enough by to now to gauge whether it’s something he would like in the first place and have the good sense to have a proper discussion?

You are also unreasonable for having a whinge about “the principle” of his indifference to you going camping alone with children then admit you’re more than capable and happy to.

However the bigger picture here is you have wider issues than whether he likes camping or not (and as you’ve found out it’s really a marmite hobby and you should have been more considerate in your approach) the fact is he’s lazy around the house, lazy out of the house and no doubt lazy with parenting by default.

Why are you doing all this work? Seems you don’t communicate very well or have much in common from hobbies or family values…

Your opinion, camping is great fun and kids love it. I've been to places I would never afford if I didn't go camping. I've been to Switzerland, France, Italy, Austria, fantastic.

Stop making excuses, you are allowed to enjoy camping. You will have some wonderful times. Buy yourself a trailer and visit Europe next year, leaving him behind.. I've been all over France, Italy and visited Switzerland. The kids are kids and still talk about their holidays. Try France first, Never maybe. By the way, there is always a muscular guy on site to help you lift.
In addition, I'm surprised nobody has told you to leave him. I've done plenty of things I don't particularly enjoy, so that the kids can have a good time.