To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

What is like joining in with other sorts of entertainment with the kids?

I don't understand what the posters are on about. To me this post is about so much more than a tent. You are trying your best to work (and carve out a carreer for yourself?), give your kids the best childhood you can, keep the house nice. Husband earns money that he doesn't share. And is not keen on sharing too much of his time.
How fo you share kids and household expences? Are they shared out fairly?

I had one very similar. I bought a big 6 man frame tent, trailer and all the kit and the ex never came with us once… kids were 6 and 11 (twins) We went every year from Cumbria to Cornwall and it was wonderful. I still have that tent and the kids (now 29 and 32) wanted to use it again so we went to our favourite site in Cornwall in 2021.

Sorry, I hate camping, caravan they are not in my mind holidays. My husband bought a static caravan years ago, I told him I wouldn't go with him then he got annoyed because I kept to my word.

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?

I think he is willing you to fail- go do it and give your family memories- Good or bad (you are camping after all but the bad can be funny in hindsight).

he may get jealous and join you eventually.

there is also camping and camping. I don’t like the ‘pitch in the field’ but that’s because I have 20 acres if my own. I like an indoor pool and preferably a sauna- maybe see if the type of campsite makes a difference.

Top tip for the tent- break it up into parts- usually the doors and windows are zip out. Makes it easier to lift two smaller bundles.

i go caravanning on my own Because we split our leave to cover school holidays. If you find a site within 60-230 mins from home you can leave an open invitation for him to join at the weekend.

but really why are you with him if he doesn’t do anything useful and loads it into you?

WTF is going on in your marriage

None of this is ok? You spent £1.5k on camping gear and you don't even really like it??

You need to talk to your DH about this stuff before doing things, but he needs to actually want to spend time with his family

If this thread had been the other way around and he had wanted and bought a tent and you then said camping isn't for you, everyone would say let him go and you stay at home, it sounds to me that you are the type of person who thinks this is what I think is a good idea and disregards what others think and that's fine but perhaps you should have thought about the type of tent you bought, something that is easier to put together and move around. Do you have a friend with your gung ho attitude perhaps they could go with you and help with the putting together for a "free" holiday.

Realistically did the TV unit really have to be put together the day you came home from hospital, not exactly an urgent just do.
He didn't object when you spoke about buying a tent but did he agree?
Do you only hear what you want to hear.

Nah, it’s unreasonable to expect your husband to tolerate camping because your kids will like it. If he does other things with the kids that they enjoy, he’s doing his bit there. He tried it, didn’t like it and is entirely reasonable to choose not to do it again. Your circus, your monkeys I’m afraid.

Unfortunately, sounds like you and DH are not on the same page.
And purchasing such a big item probably needs some discussion.
I do think it was very shitty and lazy of him not to help erect and pack the tent, though. Very sulky and unmanly IMO.

DC desperately want to go camping… the first couple of times.

we are a camping family and we go camping but if DP decided they hated it I wouldn’t force them. And wow 1500 quid is a lot to buy for the first go…

Is everyone on MN suddenly totally wet?

Not RTWT but as parents, we all sacrifice things for the good of our children. We are campers, but I understand that’s it’s not for everyone. Yes, I’d prefer an all inclusive in the sun, but my kids love the camping trips more. It’s a few nights, surely he can suck it up? Unless he’s taking the children away for a different holiday himself, surely this is your only ‘family holiday’ of the summer, so all the family need to attend!

He sounds rubbish.

I had a similar situation…. Actually couldn’t lift the tent in my own. I realised I just needed to go alone with kids. I sold the massive tent. Brought a small black out tent for sleeping and an event shelter for the day time! Fabulous and easy to put up. Left grumpy DH at home and offf we went!

I tried camping a few times. Can just about tolerate it for 2 nights if I drink nothing after 8pm, take a sleeping tablet, use eye patches and rig up a homemade toilet thing using nappies in a bucket. Such fun !

I'm all for giving the DCs good times, but £1500 plus camp site fees would get you a half decent Airbnb for say 3-4 summer weeks, provided you chose location carefully.

Besides which before OP bought it, she needed to state her expectations. If DH had told me I was a bad parent for not going camping every weekend with DS I would have started laughing.

I would be asking him why he had kids if he doesn’t want to spend any time with them. When they are older they won’t have any great memories of doing anything with him, only you.

This will likely impact their relationship in the future - you reap what you sow as they say. I would remind him of this. Or just divorce him, he doesn’t sound like a great partner or Father.

My DH bought a tent a few years ago. Both myself and DS always said we never wanted to go camping He said he would just use it to camp with our DD in the garden and our relatives garden in the summer. That’s all it’s ever been used for to be honest. My DD is happy she’s had a camping experience even if just in the garden. Camping isn’t for everyone. It’s just not a holiday in my opinion.

They have two long haul holidays a year.

I think he’s a CF & being selfish tbh, but then lots of men/dads are selfish. It’s usually mums who have to organise stuff (holidays) & tolerate things (camping) for the sake of the kids, whilst dads just check out if they can’t be bothered with it. To sit & watch you sort out the tent without helping is utterly shit of him & would be a massive turn-off for me. And yes I agree with you that he could at least show a little concern for you & his kids camping alone, but if he’s willing to watch you struggle with DIY then he’s not the type who’d worry himself much about your safety/wellbeing. Also he should just want to spend time with his family! He should feel sad that his kids will be asking where daddy is & why didn’t he want to come on holiday with them. Surely he can suck up a week of camping FFS. I’m assuming he didn’t propose any other holiday plans, which prompted you to buy the tent?

@Purpleskiesabove What are his good points that stop you from leaving. IMO any man or woman who insists on separate finances are planning their future life without their partner.

This. Sorry OP but you went ahead and bought all the equipment without having any real discussion with him about whether he would join you on these trips. I don’t think you can now railroad him into joining you when he doesn’t want to. I absolutely cannot stand camping and there is no way this earth I would ever do it.

Dump him ...lazy a**e !!!

🙄 you don’t know that he doesn’t want to spend time with them. You don’t know how much time he spends with them, or what he does with them. You only know that he doesn’t want to go camping. FFS!

This 100%

I'd go but I'd be pissed. I really don't like camping and have only camped when I absolutely have to. They should have sorted this in advance or she needs to take a friend.