To expect DH to come with us?

[Purpleskiesabove]

I’ve recently brought a big tent to begin taking the DC on camping trips. It’s a big, bulky, air beam tent - weighs 40kg and takes up most of my car boot for reference.

DH wasn’t overly enthusiastic about me buying a tent, but never once said that he wouldn’t come on camping trips with us. I’ve paid approx £1500 on tent and equipment so far - all with my own money - DH hasn’t contributed and I haven’t asked him to.

Since buying the tent, we went away for a couple of nights to test it out and DH seemed to enjoy himself and voiced that he was pleasantly surprised with the tent and experience. Bear in mind that I pitched the giant tent completely on my own, set everything up and then also packed everything away on my own - whilst he either sat and scrolled through his phone / packed away minor things. I needed him to help me lift the 40kg giant bag into the car, which he did. For reference, I’m petite, 5ft and not overly strong!

since getting home, I’m trying to now book a 4/5 night trip further afield whilst the DC are off school.

DH has since told me that he won’t be coming with us and camping apparently isn’t for him.

I explained that the trips are more for the benefit of the DC and to do things as a family as we very rarely get family time as DH is self employed and puts his work before everything. He said it didn’t matter, if he didn’t want to come then he shouldn’t have to.

AIBU to think he’s an arse for: 1) thinking it’s okay to expect me to pitch and pack away the giant tent alone? 2) not having any regard to a lone female camping with young DC, having never camped before? (Obviously many females do this and I’m actually confident to this myself - but I’d expect him to have some regard to this). 3) having no regard to the fact that it’s for the benefit of fhe DC when we rarely get family time?

Basically, Aibu for thinking this is arsehole behaviour!?

I’m happy to take them alone, but obviously would rather we went as a full family and would rather the help!

Fair play to you for coming back to the thread so often and trying to respond to everyone's comments.

I still think YABU though.

A while ago you asked
He knows that I can more than look after myself. I think it probably concerns him to an extent actually how independent I am. But what I’m asking is, surely the “normal” thing would be for him to have some concern? No?

My answer is 'no'. You are taking a huge, fancy tent, to the sort of campsites that have toilets, electricity and showers. You aren't heading off into the wild for 3 weeks. You've said you are capable and have practical skills.
What exactly is he supposed to be concerned about ?

Don’t look after him when he gets old 🧝

I haven't read the full thread because it's massive, but I have read all of your replies op and it's clear to me that this thread isn't about camping. This thread is about your relationship and the fact that your DH is checked out of family life and doesn't support you emotionally in any way. I would suggest starting a new thread about that on the relationships board because everybody's just going to talk about the camping and that really isn't the issue here. That is just an example, but unfortunately it means that a lot of us get sidetracked into the camping is crap conversation.

I don't understand why you aren't planning to end this relationship.
He's not interested in doing anything with the kids unless its something he enjoys doing anyway
He doesn't seem to care much about you - where is the love?
You are doing all the heavy lifting for the family which he doesn't appreciate
You've changed your life to help him build the business and yets are not getting the benefit of that
You are financially separate and he's not even contributing a fair % to things like holidays (does he for the rest of the household costs?)
You don't sound like you like him less alone respect him.

You have three options:

• Continues as you are, getting more resentful & angry (which will impact the kids)
• Start to live a separate life from him, effectively treat him like a lodger but let go of the anger and hurt as you wouldn't expect anything of a lodger
• Divorce. But before you do, you need to make sure you have got as much information as you can find about his income, investments & assets. Self employed men are known or hiding income in a divorce situation and getting more out of a financial settlement plus not contributing fairly to children's maintenance

I know which Option I'd choose.

This isn't about camping.

This is about a man who doesn't participate in family life or contribute anything, not even a financial boost.

Seriously need to think about whether you want to continue with this set up.

Seriously sweeping statement despite no evidence here 🙄

You are getting some horrible responses. Ignore them and see the ones with constructive ideas and kindness. Just make sure he is paying his fair share of all expenses. Good luck. Enjoy the camping if you and your children go.

He’s very selfish!!
inconsiderate too!

Go alone and just did him…. Next time he REALLY wants to something get the kids ready and in the car and then say ‘oh I’m not coming … it’s not my thing’ then wave them off and have a day doing something for yourself!!

She did talk to him about it, before purchasing and he never said no, or that he wouldn’t go, or that it was a bad idea. So she went ahead.

You are absolutely the unreasonable, uncompromising one.

Firstly, for spaffing £1500 on a tent.

Secondly, for expecting your poor DH to going along with this.

Do you often go about making big purchases without proper discussion with DH and then expect him to just go along with it?

He doesn’t want to slum it in a tent in the Great British Summer and nor should he have to in order to satisfy one of your hare-brained ideas.

You made an independent, adult decision to buy a £1500 tent.

Now be an independent adult and enjoy it without DH.

I feel your pain to some extent, my DH works a 6 day week in his family buisness and trying to get him to take time off to go away is practically impossible because I think he prefers to work… I mostly go away with the children on my own although he transports us there as I don’t drive so stick to destinations within a certain area so I don’t think you are at all unreasonable in wanting your husband to join you in doing things even if it’s not his favourite thing to do.
I’m not a camper and wouldn’t enjoy sleeping in a tent, but I would have said something at the time the tent was purchased so that it was fully known by everyone so you could have made the choice in a smaller/lighter tent possibly.
I think as parents we all have to do things we don’t necessarily enjoy for the sake of giving our children things to do that they enjoy.
He should have said something before you spent so much money on it, because that money could have been used for a couple of caravan holidays etc if he could face those instead so I don’t think you ABU to be fed up and cross

Agree with PPs saying this is about the wider issues.

Overall YABU on spending so much & camping.

He doesn't deserve you
have you considered leaving?

His loss. He will regret not making the lovely memories

I love camping.
My DH does not! he came with us a couple of times. but that was it.
I think neither are unreasonable here, but equally you can’t make someone do it if they are against it.

I now take my DS (age 4) on my own with friends and their DC and leave the DH at home.

I have a big air tent that I pitch myself and sort everything myself you can do it!
See if you can pair up with friends to go.

He's been and tried it even though he wasn't keen.

Now he has, he's told you it's not for him.

I hate camping so wouldn't have gone to begin with - 4 or 5 nights sounds like hell to me.

It isn't a holiday - think how many Premier Inn rooms you could've booked with the money you've spent.

Time for dh to dip into his pocket and take the kids and you on holiday somewhere he “approves”

Sounds more like he just thinks if he doesn’t go he gets the house to himself and out of dealing with children .

I don't care if my husband spent £15000 on camping stuff. I'm not going!

If you're having two long haul luxury holidays a year, but say he also "never says no to clients" are you saying that you could maintain this standard of living without him doing that?

He's clearly checking out of the more boring aspects of family life - but honestly, if my partner suggested I spend my precious holiday time doing something I don't enjoy, I would also say no. Sure, I compromise - but compromise should also include what parents like and dislike not just the children.

You've got an air of matrydom in your posts which rubs me the wrong way if I'm honest. It's not clear if you're just annoyed you've now got to take responsibility for your own actions or if your husband has actually done anything wrong. Like, what is your point about camping as a lone female if actually you're quite confident to do it alone? You're just expecting him to act all protective and come because he's worried even if you aren't?!

Good job we all dont think the same isn't it. Any holiday camping, glamping, posh hotel etc is exactly what you make of it and down to attitude really.

I'm not sure enjoying a holiday is "down to attitude".

There are some holidays that I would not choose, staying at home would be a better option.
I would actively dislike a busy Spanish resort full of bars, clubs and heavy drinking.
I would rather stay home than camp, and refuse to go on any holiday that involves me cooking, washing dishes or taking garbage out.

I'm not sure I buy that tbh.

Yes, a good attitude can help but no amount of positive thinking would make me enjoy a camping holiday in a tent in the pissing bloody rain, lol.

Oh Op, it doesn't sound like you are very happy in your marriage. Your Dh sounds a lot like my former husband. I seriously doubt he is going to morph into the family oriented camping man you want him to be just because you purchased an expensive tent.

Yes, he should want to do things as a family clearly camping isn't going to be the thing that brings you all together.

I think you need to realise that you are going to be the one doing everything if you insist on a camping holiday.

Camping is not an activity that I love and probably would balk at going too but I'm willing to compromise. Yes, I'll go camping with you in September but then we go to Greece in May for a nice holiday in the sun. Maybe that type of agreement would be possible for the two of you?

It doesnt always rain !! Truly!

Haha, I know, but camping in general just doesn't appeal to me, no matter how nice the weather