I actually can’t stand chronically late people

[Cadela]

Time blindness is not a thing. I have adhd and uncontrolled epilepsy, I know how hard it is, but constantly being late is the most disrespectful thing I think people can do.

Having to tell someone something starts half an hour later so they may show up on time is ridiculous.

It actually isn’t hard. If you have an appointment or an event, PLAN. If you can’t make it on time, get up earlier.

Yes I’m snotty because I have a friend who has no disabilities and every single time we plan something has never made it at the right time. Drives me fucking potty.

Lots of people don’t have a natural concept of how long things take. The same as those who are not good with money or have a poor sense of direction.

So they use plans and strategies to help them function.

They time themselves taking a shower and getting dressed. They do this fast, slow and average and then work out the time for each. They write it down .

Then they do the same for all the common tasks of life. Like getting on shoes and coat, making a sandwich , eating it and clearing up afterwards.

They do things the night before where possible.

They build in time for traffic problems and a contingency.

They write down a plan ahead of time, with timings.

They don’t allow themselves to do anything that is not on the list .

Then for events that are time critical , like getting to a job interview or a graduation , they use a combination of these strategies.

Most chronically Late people just CBA to make the effort to do any of this, they imagine it comes naturally and effortlessly to everyone else .

They plan to get there at the exact time ( or later ), as they think their time is more valuable than everyone else’s . They are not willing to be there early and wait for others .

You aren’t wrong, but if it’s a genuine question I think the best way to describe how this feels as a ND person is that I would feel the same way if someone asked why I wasn’t skinny because all I have to do is have a diet shake or a salad instead of every meal. It feels simple in context amd I cam start with good intentions today but the idea of doing that all the time is oppressive and unbearable. It isn’t sustainable. Remembering to set alarms and keep them with me and waiting on them is the same feeling in my core as that diet shake.I can do it sometimes but I can’t all the time because its fighting my very nature and its not the comfort you think it might be. The time blind person living on alarms is anxious and miserable like a person on a calorie controlled diet,

The place that I go when I let go of the time is free. It is zen. It is almost medative. It’s where I process my thoughts and emotions and feelings. It is a happy place.I don’t necessarily mean to do it but its that feeling of having that delicious fattening food and not giving yourself grief over it. It’s letting my ADHD be unrestrained for a second and to go where it wants to go, I always have good intentions for leaving on time, I am always very optimistic that I will. But having gotten up early today to shower before going to work this post has set me off into ny reflective place and if i don’t give myself the time to follow it and write what I was feeling I would have been on edge. So now I’m 15 minutes past where I meant to be 😂 But fulfilled too.

Stop arranging meet ups that involve booking tables and tell her why they’re not working for you?

I accept that time blindness is a thing, but I think the important thing in that case is honesty - if you’re planning something, telling whoever you’re meeting that you’re unlikely to be on time so they can factor that in. It’s only fair.

It is not hard.... for you.
That doesn't mean it is not hard for others.
And no, before you ask, I'm not late.
But i understand that we're not all the same

Well, alarms do work, for big important things, and for things that I can set a regular schedule for.

The issue with time blindness is that it effects everything, all day every day, unless you agree lucky enough to get medication. There's a limit to the number of alarms I can set in a day before I just start ignoring them.

Setting alarms is also a boring task (needs executive function) and needs me to open my phone and avoid distraction (also needs executive function).

@EatTheGnome

I could never understand why I was so "unlucky"! I was always on time for "important" stuff like a plane but that was because inwsnunconsciously doing what I should have been doing all along- planning for problems and building on contingency.

Nail on the head. It's just being logical and rational to think through the entire "journey", including going to the loo before setting off, getting changed, preparing a coffee/drink to take, getting your child dressed/ready, putting fuel in the car, finding somewhere to park. None of it is rocket science or truly "unforeseen" events.

I'm an "early" person, married to a "late" person and we have a "late" son. It drives me insane. Complete inability to think through the "journey". Except when it suits them and is important to them! It's driven me insane over the years, what with an OH who was actually late to our wedding, late to his brother's wedding, late to our mother's funeral, etc. Funny how he was never late for football matches! Then our son who wouldn't get out of bed, wouldn't get washed/dressed, wouldn't get his breakfast, etc - after shouting for an hour or two ahead of leaving home, I'd be literally at the door, filled the car, ready to lock up, when he'd dozily appear half dressed wondering where his breakfast was!

When we went places (either just the two of us before son, or all three of us), I'd be wanting to set off in good time, but they'd both be checking Google and telling me it was only 20 minutes! Complete denial of any delays on the way, denial about the time taken to go to the loo and get changed. Then no appreciation at all that if you get to an event bang on time, not only do you need time to find somewhere to park and walk there, but also that if you're virtually the last there, you're going to struggle to find a parking space and will have to walk even longer as you'll park further away!

Same with trains or public transport. Never gets an earlier train/bus in case of delays or cancellations (which are almost inevitable in the North West due to crap public transport), then panic that the next train/bus is an hour away, miffed at being stuck at a platform/bus stop for an hour, basically expecting me to go and drive to pick them up.

Funny how our son, on his first trip abroad with Uni friends, managed to get himself packed, dressed, fed & watered, bus to train station, train to the airport, etc., and managed to arrive there 3 hours early. He was so proud that it had all gone smoothly and proud to tell us he'd taken an earlier bus, earlier train, etc., "just in case" as if he was the one who thought of it - I'd been telling him for 20 sodding years!

I have a friend who murders people all the time. She has angry murderous syndrome and it's not her fault, so it's completely fine. All the families of the murdered people think it's fine too because they know they need to make adjustments to accommodate her diversity.

😂

In my son's case, he prioritises other things over rational/logical thought to the mundanity of daily life. Checking social media, tiktok, etc and playing on his Xbox is more important to him than catching the bus to get to work on time, or putting the oven on so he can have his evening meal. He was a nightmare when living at home, but now he's moved away for work and has his own flat, he's completely lost the ability for "normal" life. He "thinks" about making his tea when he gets in from work at around 6. If I phone him at 9, he's still "thinking" about it, and then realises that not only does he have to prepare and cook it, he also has to wait for the cooker to heat up! I'm amazed he ever eats before midnight! It's as if he's never had to cook his own meal before, but in reality, he's been doing it for 4 years and still can't seem to remember that it takes time to heat the oven and cook the food! He just gets sucked into doing other things, and has a complete failure to multi-task - something as simple as getting up to turn on the oven whilst watching a youtube video on his phone is beyond him! He has to watch it fully, thinking about the oven, and intending to turn it on once finished, but then he forgets and watches another video, and so it goes on!

He had an opticians appointment the other week. Phoned me up half an hour before to ask whether he needed to take all his glasses (he has different pairs). Even though I don't live in his new city, I know the journey to the opticians is 40 minutes, from his flat to the opticians, (as does he, as he told me the last time he went!) and that's if he doesn't have to wait for a bus. So I knew he was going to be late. Then I get a stressed phone call a few minutes later saying that he'd just checked the bus app and there wasn't a bus for 20 minutes - so he'd be half an hour late! Well, Duh! Why didn't he check the bus timetable the night before, why didn't he ask me which pairs of glasses to take the night before when we were on the phone? He uses the bus every day and knows the timetable is for the service to run either every 30 or every 45 minutes depending on time of day - the chances of there being a bus within 5 minutes of leaving his flat are slim! But even the app shows the "live" buses, so a quick swipe on his phone would tell him how far away is the next bus, but he couldn't do that either, despite no doubt being on his phone for social media that morning whilst getting up!

It's just lack of logical/rational thought and planning.

@Itsrainingten

At each point of the alarm going off you'd need to be at a certain point in your task. A thing like getting out of the house on time might not only necessitate 10 alarms to stay on track (think what nightmare it is to live like that! ) but also actually completing each task within it's allocated time frame or it all goes to pot.

First of all, how do you plan it out if you have a difficulty estimating the amount of time a task requires?
And even then, how do you stop an alarm being a complete surprise every time it goes off?

For me, there's two facets to ADHD and the "time blindness".
The first one is the Estimation problem - I'm an optimistic underestimater. I underestimate how long a thing will take. I underestimate how many floorboards a room will need even if I've done it 20 times. I underestimate the training needed for a marathon and I underestimate how hard and long it will be to climb a mountain. I underestimate the danger in many situations.
As a result, like many ADHDers, I can accomplish some crazy feats, appear brave and have an adventurous life. The flip-side is the seeming recklessness.

The second facet is the Execution problem. Even if I have estimated well (unlikely) each tasks involves dozens of mini-actions, done in order just so and to initiate each action the brain signalling and neuro-chemicals have to do their particular thing in a certain sequence. It's only easy if it comes naturally.

Try to explain to Alien how to pick up a cup : how to signal from the brain to the hand, engage particular muscles of the arm and certain fingers, how to set inner ear and balance in motion, how to use eyes, how to estimate if the tea in the cup is scalding and what to watch out for if it is.
And that's very much less complex than "get ready and get out of the house on time".

I am with you, OP.

Maybe I should get pissed off and hate on people who can't produce fine art paintings the way I do.
I literally give all the steps of exactly how I look at and observe things and how I paint them and still people churn out complete shite. They don't listen, do they? They literally sit there and waste my time. Disrespectful twunts!

Does it waste your art when they don't do it right?

Definitely the same thing. Often been kept waiting in a restaurant by incompetent Van Goghs.

So a train company - your example - doesn’t have roles that would suit people with time blindness? Are you being deliberately silly?

I think my company is “nice” because they acknowledge that people have differing requirements to fulfil their role to the best of their potential. Also we don’t set people up to fail by placing them in positions that would overwhelmingly challenge their capabilities. What we DO do is support people to perform to the best of their ability, acknowledging that everyone is not the same.

It’s actually not hard to be “nice”, try it.

Yeah you do that! I mean it's really an inconvenience when people don't do art like you. All that waiting around, looking at your watch, knowing you've got an appointment later so you'll be rushed.

Totally get the comparison.... 🙄

Well done for diminishing people with real problems, what a gem you are.

@Arlanymor is "time blindness" a recognised condition?

It may not occur to you that some companies can't allow people with "time blindness" a position as they don't meet their minimum working requirements.

I just can't deal with it anymore. My mum is like this. Has been hours late for things. She doesn't mean to, but she will start faffing and she does things in chaotic ways. She was so late getting ready for my wedding that she almost made me late (hogging bathroom). My really chilled sibling lost it that day and told her if she wasn't downstairs in two minutes we were going without her.

In the end we had to go and she almost missed the whole ceremony. It is just so frustrating.

I totally get that people can't help it but I couldn't be friends with someone who was always late.

It may not occur to you, but the point I have been repeatedly making is that it is about roles and what can be accommodated.

Also some of us don’t need a government stamp on a condition to acknowledge it as something that needs respectful consideration.

She has a real problem. I mean, deep down I think she knows murder's not cool, but she just can't help it, you know, cos of her syndrome.

[You might not understand why most people don't agree with you, but you have to accept that it is so.]

I'm with the OP. Had a friend who'd tell me 7.30. It was always some time between 7.20 and 7.45. I couldn't be late without getting moaned at. (By "late" I mean 2 minutes) He once told me 7.30, turned up at 7.20 and complained that I'd kept him waiting. Well he knows how I feel. He lived 5 minutes away so no issues with traffic, etc. It's one of the reasons I stopped meeting him. Couldn't be bothered waiting around or getting moaned at.

I have a friend who'd say he'll meet me between 6.30 and 6.45. I think once it was nearer 6.50. Knowing he'd be late, he text me.

No it’s an excuse to be late and blame it on something else.

no it really is a thing. Sorry to deflate your massive ego but I’m afraid you don’t get to decide. You aren’t very pleasant and I am
glad we aren’t friends.

I don't accept it @Arlanymor, systems can be put in place and should be.

I wonder if anyone ever discloses their "tone blindness" at interview stage (which I assume they also turn up late for).