Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

Bump!

I am setting off to get her tomorrow.

Who is she with now? If wife and steps children are coming at the weekend, they have today and tomorrow on their own?

How many days would they have together before her step-family arrive?

This

Daughter told me the weekend but it wouldn’t surprise me if they turned up early.

Stepmother turned up with her own daughter in costume, uninvited to daughter’s cousin’s birthday party once.

This. He is seeing her on his own this week isn't he? So they aren't not having "any time together".

I wouldn't be pandering to this.

Honestly this sounds like you and DD think you can dictate how and when the stepchildren are present and if you don't get your own way you'll throw a massive strop and facilitate the disruption of contact.

If I was you I wouldn't collect her until the weekend. Before that, she's getting the parent time she asked for. Hopefully that'll give them time to have the discussion that they obviously need. Fine to pick her up when the steps arrive for the weekend.

And they're 90 miles away?! Your relative or your exs relatives child's party? How did they know about it?

Please don't interfere in a dispute between your child and her father. They both need to learn to resolve this and you collecting her and showing her she can play you off against each other won't help her development at all. Her father is remarried and has a family. They are having plenty of time alone together this week as promised, he has literally done what she wanted and now she needs to learn to compromise, not tantrum and mummy will come running.

This. You're the one allowing the damage to the relationship, not him.

My dc are not step siblings but they generally have to share me. If he's taken on someone else's kids then I can see she's annoyed because she feels like she's having to share him with someone who is not a half sibling.

Absolutely go and colllect her. The poor child has a cunt for a father. If he can’t prioritise his his daughter when she needs him to then he doesn’t deserve to have her. I wouldn’t want to see a father like that either.

Stop allowing her to learn that she stamps her feet she gets what she wants. Don’t pick her up. Tell her her contact time with dad is happening and you’ll be there when she gets home. You’re feeding into some very spoilt behaviour sorry to say. Life isn’t always going to be exactly how she wants it. If she carries on and you don’t co parent with her dad and agree an approach he may well take you to court and force set contact.

They are currently on holiday 90 miles away. He was meant to devote 12 days to her and bring her home but after five days it turns out they are coming for the second week.

The party that was gate dashed was my ex’s niece’s. My daughter wasn’t invited as it was just friends ( they would celebrate with family at weekend) and I don’t know how they found out.

Jesus. How many DC (in your average 2 parent 2 DC family) don't get one to one time with a parent? MOST OF THEM. My dc only rarely get 1:1 time with me, and never when they see their dad.

Your dd needs to learn that she cannot dictate that her dad sees her only when he is alone, life doesn't work like that. By picking her up you are enabling her attitude - what's the plan going forwards? Dad has to only ever see DD alone? Not realistic. At all. (And I say that as a stepdaughter of 35 years and as a stepmom for the last 15. This is a tricky age and time to navigate - if you don't get this right op you're setting her up to destroy her relationship with her dad.)

He's a 'cunt' for taking her on holiday - alone - for 5 days and having the audacity to invite his wife and step child along for the rest of the trip?? You sound unhinged.

He was supposed to devote 12 days to her alone? So, optimistically 8 days of precious annual leave, maybe a third of his A/L to spend alone with his daughter, when he is married? Nah.

He hasn’t seen her for nine months other than a few minutes when he arrives at the door. I don’t think it’s spoiled to expect some time alone with him.

The agreement was 12 days alone then to be driven home. He has gone back on this agreement when she is away from home.

He hasn’t seen her because she’s been spoilt and you’ve said ok darling rather than no, go and see your dad. She’s getting some alone time, compromise, let her learn it

Firstly - drip drip, OP.

However, would you have supported him if he has said 5 days alone the rest with the family?

But also - "a few minutes at the door"? What does this mean? That he has consistently been turning up to try and see his child but she has been refusing to go?

I completely disagree with posters saying to leave them to it. Your daughter has been gaslighted and lied to by her own dad. She needs her mum to stick up for her and tell her that she deserves honesty and for her needs to be treated with respect. She does not need her mum to teach her that it is ok for a man to say one thing and do another, especially when it means your dd holidaying with people she doesn’t want to be around.

She also needs to learn that I want don’t get. Sadly she has been wanting and getting! I don’t think she’s been “gaslit” she was promised alone time, she’ll still getting it but for reasons unknown the plans have changed and her alone time is reduced by 4 days so that her dad can also see his other family because both are equally important

She also doesn't deserve a mother alienating her from her father who - based on OP's comments - appears to have been attempting contact throughout the nine months. Many fathers wouldn't.

I do have to wonder how much OP has encouraged her daughter or how much she has enjoyed "protecting" her daughter from developing an emotionally healthy relationship with her father's new wife.

OP - you probably have huge power here. A simple "your dad loves you, he has made an effort to spend time with you, please make an effort with your step family" message and I'm sure we would have a much happier child. If everyone was putting her first.