Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

I don't disagree with you, blended families certainly are tough. But it seems that 'respect all involved' and then expecting DD's request to be prioritised are not the same thing. That's respecting just the one person...

That's respecting the most vulnerable. It shouldn't be a competition for hierarchy

She is still the only child of her actual parents. Her step siblings are family dependent upon his marriage to their mother, and in addition to that ‘family’ can mean as much or as little as you wish it to. Someone can be family and mean absolutely nothing to you.

She’s 12, an age where she’s capable of forming her own views regardless of what her parent/s may want her to believe. OP is supporting her daughter, so she at least doesn’t feel betrayed by both parents. Her father has actively lied to her and expected her to suck it up because it suits him. Yes, he may be her parent, but she’s an individual in her own right and she doesn’t have to quietly acquiesce.

He shouldn't have agreed to 12 days if it wasn't going to be 12 days. It's the lying that's bad here. Makes it difficult for her to trust him.
I think she needs to learn she won't only see him alone however he should make the effort to do things just the two of them regularly too. It's about balance.
She is his daughter and he should prioritise her.
You see this a lot where men only prioritise the kids of the woman he's currently seeing. It's sad.

These "bloody kids" are not just "step kids" but they are your daughter's family, whether you like it or not

They're not her family, unless she chooses to see it that way. I do not and have never seen my stepsiblings as family.

Sounds like he'd like to spend time alone with your Dd, and Stepmother inserts herself and her kids into everything.
He needs to step and spend time with his child or he will end up losing her al together. Silly man.

The most vulnerable? Absolutely not. How on earth have you reached that conclusion other than projecting your own bias?

It's not a double-standard. MN has millions of posters. It's just different people expressing their views.

The daughter is a child. A child who is expressing her need for emotional support from her dad. A request which is being ignored.

Not hard to see really when you apply some critical thinking. Maybe that's the problem?

Step parents on here are always saying - step children are not family, there is no parental responsibility.

The girl is still her father’s only child. What a horrid thing to say. The ex’s step children are not his family, they are just his wife’s children.

She's not the most vulnerable in the family though is she? There are other children. You seem to be suggesting she be on a pedestal by virtue of her blood lineage. Either step families treat the children the same or they don't, that's the hypocrisy I was querying.

For the record, I don't think it's at all unreasonable for her and her dad to find some time together just them - I think that's healthy in any family for sometimes one-on-one time with individual children. The fact that that can't be managed suggests some issues. But we don't know what those are, we only have one side of the story.

Wow. I think you might be part of the problem.

That’s not my view. Just highlighting the hypocrisy.

He doesn’t need to use annual leave to make time for his daughter every week.

I swear Ex had tears in his eyes

Aw bless his little cotton socks 🙄 It’s a bit too late for feeling sorry for himself, he was the the one who didn’t bother his arse to see your DD for 9 months except at the door.

I hope your DD is ok OP, it’s a horrible situation to be in.

I have never read such bullshit.

This man knew that the odd car journey on her own with him was important to the daughter he no longer lived with and he decided not to prioritise it.

He knew that spending time with her alone was important to her so he told her he was taking her away for 12 days and then, once he had her 90 miles away, toldher that they actually only had 5 days together, after which his new family would be joining their holiday. She will have, quite rightly, felt betrayed and trapped.

Good on the OP for teaching her DD that you don't have to quietly comply when people treat you like this. She is bringing up a daughter with healthy boundaries and an expectation that people will treat her with honesty and respect.

The man is probably in a controlling relationship with a new partner who doesn't want him to spend time with his own child. It's a shame he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her.

OP, you are doing exactly the right thing by going to pick her up.

Sadly I know a young adult who has been in a similar situation. She got upset in her teens as she never had any alone with her dad, the SM and her DDs always around. Never any her & dad time, not even a dog walk.

Anyway she is getting married next month and SM & DDs are not invited. And to rub salt into the wounds it sounds as though her paternal granddad is walking her down the aisle. Not sure if her father is invited, her mum and others are encouraging her to involve him but it is always met with ‘what did he do for me?’

sad

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