Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

I'm with your dd on this one. I would have hated being put in the position she is in.
I would strongly encourage her to stay until the step children arrive and then go and collect her.
And tell your ex why.

I really feel for your daughter OP. Blended families are difficult and your ex can’t just force everyone to play happy families when your child hasn’t chosen this. Pick your girl up OP if that’s what needed, it’s clear at least you make her a priority and you’re a great mum. Why should it be your job to smooth over his new family when he’s so lacking in sensitivity to her feelings? Men who can’t be on their own for 5 minutes and deal their own kids the shit end of the stick are unfortunately all too common.

Is it SM who's deciding they are joining I wonder and your ex just can't tell her no and risk losing another family

Utter rubbish.

The dad appears to be a deadbeat who hasn't bothered his arse in 9 months and now to top it off he's lied to her.

Poor kid.

She's doing nothing of the sort. She's setting boundaries to protect her child against a shitty father.

It's funny step mums on here are regularly admonished for wanting to do things with their own children without the SCs. They are told to treat the SCs "as their own". Here a dad has been called a cunt for not leaving his SCs out...

At 12 I think your DD knows why she feels the way she does. Her dad has made a point of letting her know that she isn’t the most important person in his life. He is desperate to play happy families with the new wife and he’s trying to force a relationship between your DD and his new family rather than taking his time to introduce them and letting them get get used to the new constellation.

It’s really great that you are listening to her and making her feel like her feelings are valid too and that she shouldn’t feel that she has to accept the crumbs that she’s getting. She is now at the age where a court would take her feelings into consideration with regards to how much or little she wants to see which parent. He has ultimately lied and manipulated her to force her to spend time with people he knows she doesn’t want to spend time. He should want to spend time with her alone but it’s clear that’s not a priority.

I definitely wouldn’t pick her up as then she’ll miss out on her holiday, which she might regret.

I wouldn’t push her into seeing him again though.

Its so important that parents spend time with their biological children (the gf should be spending alone time with her DC too) and he is going to have to make more effort to see her on her own.

Its not always possible but a couple of hours once a month is not much to ask for.

I feel very sorry for her.
He has completely lied and showing her that he cares more about his step DC and new gf than her.

I’m a step daughter, my step dad’s family are NOT my family. I don’t want them to be my family, I have a family of my own.
My mum and step dad got married when I was 8 and I’ve always felt like that as does my sister.
You can’t force a relationship even if the adults around you blend families, it doesn’t work like that as much as you would like it too.

I have been in your daughters situation, albeit a few years older.

She is not spoilt or bratty and shame on the posters who have tried to claim this.

She is a 12 year old who desperately wants to spend some time alone with her dad.

If your ex-husband isn't careful he will lose the relationship altogether.

Go and collect her.

Are you serious?.
He has one blood child that he can't so much as spend 20 minutes in a car with ALONE.
His daughter doesn't want to see him if he can't be arsed to give her that.
They are his step children that he LIVES with, yet he can't find the bare minimum of one on one with the child he left behind.
He's a disgrace.
I am a huge supporter of SM.
But these are NOT shared children.
He is a dead beat that he cannot even carve a couple of hours a week for his only blood child.
This is not on the step mother, this is 100% on him for not doing what his daughter has asked, for some one on one time together.

He's a weak selfish loser.

It's all about balance though isn't it.
Should my ex have spent time with our DC without his step DC there? Yes of course.
Should've they all have been encouraged to spend time together as a family as well? Yes.

Thank goodness for some of the later posts! My jaw was on the floor reading through the first tranche of the replies calling your dd spoilt and blaming you for destroying the relationship between her and her father. Nope. He's doing that all on his own. Go pick her up. He lied. He's putting his dick before his child and that is shit behaviour.

She didn’t get what she wanted, dad promised 12 days alone time with her then drops the news that his new wife and step children are coming after 5 days. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with them, he shouldn’t be trying to force it. He surely can allocate some alone time to spend with his daughter, even a few hours at the weekend or something, the child isn’t asking for much.

I think you need to let DD and exH sort it out and not get too involved.

on the one hand, he has other people in his family now so DD needs to adjust. But it’s hard so he needs to be empathetic.

however, it is important to get time together. DH and I make efforts for each of us to get 1:1 time with each of our DC. It’s not unreasonable for him to have a bit of time with DD.

Did you completely miss the bit where I fully agreed and said talk to the dad when he returns and say more one on one time is needed? I agree with this fully. I don’t however agree a 90 mile trip to pick her up when she’s not unsafe or in danger is the right thing to do. She’s there now, alone with dad, the pick up, if mum really insists should wait until steps arrive and I’d even wait a couple days after as sometimes having to get on with something makes a difference. I don’t know how old the step kids are but they may be of an age where actually they may get on when avoiding isn’t an option.

i said compromise is needed from everyone. Dad does need to see her one on one, he has been visiting consistently although it seems for short spells and now 5 days dad daughter time ( I also said address the fact the 12 days turned to 5) mum needs to help encourage DD to see dad alone and with the steps and DD needs to accept steps ain’t going anywhere and whilst seeing her dad one on one is fine and reasonable refusing to see steps is not reasonable.

lastly I’m not entirely sure that after 9 months of no substantial contact and door step visits 12 days was ever going to work even if the steps weren’t involved and I guarantee in that scenario mum would go running still. That’s why I think it’s spoilt behaviour. If she suddenly starts developing a dislike for science will it ok don’t go in on Tuesdays? No course not. Life has elements we don’t like / enjoy but have to get on with it.

I don’t fully trust mums word on this matter I think there’s a lot of anger on how he treated her (understandably) if we just go on mums word, sounds like he did a miserable job to blend but I wonder if dad would tell a different story.

we were asked for opinions, I gave mine, please or offend.

You said she got what she asked for and that’s still not good enough for her. I’m pointing out that she did not get what she asked for, and she is not ‘spoilt’ as you put it. She is a 12 year old girl who is struggling with the fact that her dad has moved on and joined a new family.

I stopped speak to my dad for a very long time over this ( 7 years I think)

Even when he rang me up he would struggle to talk about anything so defaulted to speaking about his step daughter and what she had been up to.

Your dd dad is actually a very very weak man.

I’d go and get her, tell her that his inability to carve out time AND unable to keep his word
is not a reflection on her - it’s down to him.

Its not ok for her to grow up thinking it’s ok to accept crumbs of her dad as it will follow through to her relationships with men.

Let her have space away from him if she wants,

I eventually let my dad back in my life about 2 years ago and he works very hard at being there for me now. Before it was all about how he was feeling and what he could do to make his life easier

I would suspect that to add to everything else when the step family arrive the OP's DD will be expected to share a bedroom with one of the children. I agree that if she can try and stick it out until the others arrive she will be getting some time alone with her Dad. It sounds awful and I do feel sorry for her

I wouldn't pick her up. Whilst I sympathise with her and she should absolutely have 1;1 time with her dad, she can't expect to only ever see him on his own. Whilst he lied, it's not unreasonable to have 1 week 1 to 1 and 2nd week with the rest of the family. The stepkids also didn't ask for this but it's the situation and would be alot better if they at least tried to get along.
I don't think you'll help if you rescue her right away without her even trying. You're supporting her view that she should only ever see him alone and his family is optional extra
Maybe not the whole time left but definitely not tomorrow.

I understand she is annoying she was taken under false pretences and was mislead. However, she's a child and needs to accept that her father is in a relationship where there are other children involved. Plenty of children manage the step sibling environment. She's obviously very jealous of these children and is craving one on one time. Although this request is not unreasonable, you need to try and manage her expectations and discuss his situation. Why hasn't he seen her properly in 9 months. Personally I feel you are enabling and assisting in her poor relationship with her father. Btw I have a child with an ex and step children so understand the dynamics completely. Children need to be told and not enabled to make these decisions. I would not collect her, and tell her it's another 5 days and she may even enjoy herself.

Usually I'd side with the mum but I think you are supporting your DD flexing, which could easily lead to estrangement. Is that what you want?

It's really important that parents keep their word to children. Lying isn't a small thing!
I don't think dd expects never to see her dads step children, but seeing them shouldn't be the default - he really ought to be ensuring she feels prioritised by him and has plenty of time just with him. It's in the little car journeys that parents find out a lot about what's going on in the dc's lives, where kids can open up about their worries. None of that will happen while his step kids are in the car!

And if he's barely seen her for 9 months and then the first thing he does is to lie and break a promise, that's pretty shit.

Unless there are other things you are not mentioning here I would really be encouraging your daughter to spend this holiday with her dad whatever the sibling circumstances.

life can throw all sorts of things at us - extra siblings, new family members - maybe your ex is a bit of a twat but he is her dad warts and all

12 days is a long time! Perhaps he thought it would be a better holiday for all of them with more kids/ more people?

Im not saying you or she dont have a right to your feelings - and she is a child and feels how she feels.

But I dont think you should encourage her to walk away from her dad like this.