Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

@CrispyDosa I feel for your DC. It sounds like she is crying out for attention from her dad and 1:1 time. I don't think that makes her spoilt. I think she probably struggles with the fact that other kids get her dad everyday and she's probably jealous of that.

In this case he's given her the alone time but he's misrepresented his intentions and got her their on false pretences. He should have been transparent with her.

I would absolutely pick her up. I really don't see an issue her wanting 1:1 time. I don't see why he can't give her 1 day alone once a month. My kids are siblings and I make sure the have 1:1 quality time.

I agree. These kids aren't even his, his top priority should be his own daughter and if she wants time alone with him she should get it.

Go and get her OP. I had similar with my DD. The last time she saw her dad was when she was 13, since then she’s graduated university, has a wonderful career and a beautiful family of her own. It was the same scenario, he made so many promises to spend time alone with her but like your situation made false promises and his new family always turned up. DD eventually got sick of it. He tried to get back in contact when she graduated and when she had her own children and both times he was told to fuck off by her. As DD says now it was his loss, he made his choice and now he needs to live with that decision. His wife has tried to get in touch a few times with sob stories too, she’s been told to jog on too by both DD and I a few times.

I hope your DD is fine when she comes home.

I see many of the PPs are advising that you should encourage her to stay and help her to realise that she doesn't get to dictate terms to her Dad.

I have been a 'stepkid' for 40 years. I think she has been clear about her needs with her Dad and he has misled her. There are lots of children who would respond badly to that. I can see the value in going to pick her up once she's had the full 5 days alone with her Dad. And when she's back you can find out more about how those days went and then go from there.

I treasured the moments I spent with my parents without my step-parents there. Step-family dynamics can be very complicated and it's understandable if your daughter doesn't feel able to navigate that on her own. They (your ex, his wife and her kids) are a family unit of their own nearly all of the time and then she shows up on occasion and there's a big pretence that she is just as much a part of their family but her feelings and instincts will tell her that she isn't. Pretending is really hard. (I realise I'm projecting a bit here but maybe this is what your daughter is experiencing when she's with them).

Your ex is doing the right thing to pop in and see her on occasion and if he could build on that by extending the amount of time gradually, that would likely be really positive for them both. But he needs to go slowly and gain her trust. The fact that he misled her about this holiday will be an undeniable setback.

😂😂. It worked out perfectly well in a similar scenario. 2 decades have passed my DD is super happy without her dad in her life. His loss.

OP good for you for going to get her. She needs to know at least one of you is therefor her and will get her when requested.

her father is so misguided, who knows if it is him or the step mum calling the shots but it is bonkers one of the other children has to be there all the time. They also need to have some boundaries but if he isn’t prepared to do so then his relationship with your DD will suffer.

this is likely to have a profound impact on her, so some therapy might be helpful to ensure it doesn’t impact her self esteem especially at her age.

whats sad about this is that she probably isn’t upset and resigned to the fact that this has happened but disappointed that he lied. I really feel for her.

A father doesn't see his child for 9 months and of course its the woman's fault.

The bar is set so low for men.

I genuinely can't believe some of these replies.

Of course you should go get her.

Dad, can I have some alone time....no
Dad, can I have some alone time...no
Dad, can I have some alone time...no
(On repeat for years)
Dad, can I have some alone time...ok yes I will take you on holiday for 12 days.
(Finally! Cue tears of joy, dad does love me!)
Oh wait, surprise, I tricked you. You got 5 days but others are arriving tomorrow for the last week.

Heartbreaking. If he had carved out even a couple hours/week for his DD on a regular basis then I could see supporting her to spend time with SM and SC.

This to me is not DD flexing, it's SM flexing that she can control when her dsd gets to see her dad.

I feel for your daughter, she didn’t choose this

OP you are been over the top. She can have time with her dad and she is getting it. Is. He only allowed to use up annual leave on her?

Your daughter has to understand that her dad is allowed other relationships too! She can have time with him but then she has to make an effort with extended family! It sounds like the step mum is trying to get involved and build relationship!

You said he doesn't spend any time alone with her, except he has for a week?

Your ex should have been straight up with your daughter about the holiday; it's not fair telling her one thing then changing the plan.

However I also think you are showing unnecessary animosity towards the step children (there is this other bloody child in the car) and you are also indulging yourself by creating negative imaginary scenarios in your head that are just adding to your sense of grievance even though they have not actually occurred.

Daughter told me the weekend but it wouldn’t surprise me if they turned up early.

I’ve just had visions of the step-daughter turning up in a bridesmaid dress at daughter’s wedding.

Deal with reality, not an exaggerated version of the grievances. Aim to get your ex and daughter to settle on an amount of alone time for them on a regular basis. Surely nobody thinks that nine months with almost no contact is good for anyone?

I would go and collect her. Your Ex got her there under false pretences, knowing how she feels and that is just plain wrong. Can you, Ex & DD have a sit down when this is all over and have a reasonable discussion to try and reach an agreement and avoid estrangement? DD needs to have time alone with her dad sometimes but also accept that his wife and stepchildren are going to be part of her life sometimes too. Ex needs to realise that if he wants to have a good secure relationship with his daughter he needs to prioritise spending time with her and listening and putting her needs before his own. There needs to be some flexibility and compromise on both sides but your Ex needs to be completely honest going forward if he wants to gain your daughter's trust again.

I went to collect her. Her father said that they would be alone for 12 days.

They weren’t!

He claimed that the plans of SM and one of her kids had changed.

I pointed out all of this has come about because he doesn’t see her alone , if he did this more there might be less reluctance to at least see the others.

My daughter was distraught saying how she doesn’t see why she needs a relationship with them.

He admitted mistakes were made. There was a promise to have dinner once a week and to spend a night at his mother’s once a month.

She just doesn’t trust him or them not to turn up. They turn up to MiL’s even when my daughter isn’t there. Apparently she arrived with her children at aunt’s house, MiL’s sister’s, when her husband had just died.

Anyway we walked back and his phone was ringing and he was ignoring it. We packed the car and SM and her son arrived!

I swear Ex had tears in his eyes.

I constantly reassured her that her dad loved her. I would like nothing more than for her to have a good relationship with him.

Apparently they were watching something on Netflix about cheerleading and turns out he had already seen it with stepdaughter.

Anyway we will see how things pan out.

I'm glad you went to get her. That was the right thing to do, given SM and her dc turned up before you'd even left!
If your ex is upset, then this is within his power to fix - he just needs to locate his balls and stop his wife from gatecrashing every occasion he tries to spend with his daughter!

He's a muppet for telling her he'd already seen the cheerleading show on Netflix !

I agree with your dd that she doesn't need to have a relationship with these people - they are her dad's choice, not hers and I think he needs to hear that if he keeps foisting them on her, she will resent them even more! Relationships take time to build and can't be forced.

It's got to be a right balance. He was wrong to mislead her that they'd spend 12 days together when it wasn't. Was the partner going to stay for the next 7 days or just the two days of the weekend?

At the same time, it would seem your DD is expecting to have her dad just to herself and that's not fair either.

So what he saw that film before. She hasn't wanted to see him for 9 months. Was he supposed to put everything on hold.

Maybe they could attempt mediation together so that they can open up to each other and come up with an arrangement that would be reasonable on both sides.

WTF??? Why should she be forced to spend time with the man if she doesn’t want to?
Not to mention he lied to her to get her to agree under false premises

You need to take responsibility for the situation that you have created by deliberately undermining your DD's relationship with her dad and the potential relationship she could have had with her SM and step siblings.

You have got what you wanted, so why aren't you happy? Would you only be happy if DD's dad got divorced and stayed on his own?

WTF how is this the OP’s fault?!!!! She can’t control either her ex or her DD, they are responsible for their relationship

I agree and I'm really surprised at some of the responses on here, It's not unreasonable for a child to expect to see a parent once in a while without step-siblings being there. I absolutely HATED going on days out with my stepsisters - it was never any sort of enjoyable or quality time with my Dad and I would never force that on my DD.

What nonsense.

Dad doesn’t fulfil his promises.

Hes barely seen his daughter in 9 months. And now he’s lied about their holiday together.

@CrispyDosa you are teaching your daughter that she doesn’t have to put up with poor behaviour towards her. Good for you.

Go get her. I deffo would.

She could however not have picked her up and encouraged them to spend some time but no, she wants she gets but she’s not spoilt. OP is thrilled this is happening I’m sure because daddy is a big bad man and mummy’s the hero, been there done it, boring. OP is very clearly NOT interested in encouraging a relationship with dad only criticising she can’t stand he’s moved on and it drips out of her.. he watched it with his step daughter, so fucking what, grow up.

I won’t engage on this anymore. I have my view it won’t be changed. I tried to suggest mum and dad working together but mum isn’t at all interested. No hope

Op doesn’t need to do that… ex is doing a fine job all of his own.

When people lie to you, it is absolutely fine to set boundaries. Can you not see that?

Sadly oP there is a variety of man for whom sex is a stronger pull than blood .

Generally speaking I think it’s important for dc to maintain their blood relationships and I applaud you for trying; but here I think she’s getting such a short, chewed end of the stick that I wonder about it …