Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

He did not tell her that they were joining them. He got her there under false pretences.

If at the beginning of this relationship over five years ago, he had prioritised her and say saw her alone a third of the time without the step-kids things would not have come to this.

Full siblings of course don’t necessarily have 1:1 time with parents but these kids are step -kids. Picking her up after a club and there is this other bloody child in the car, sitting in front seat. He couldn’t even have a 25 minute drive on his own with her. She is a lovely child , not a brat or spoilt. She just wants some time with her father. She will have no trust in him.

I’ve just had visions of the step-daughter turning up in a bridesmaid dress at daughter’s wedding.

My ex was like this. The DC were never able to see him without new partner and her DC.

They see him about once every 18 months now.

His loss.

Can you stop off somewhere with DD? Stay at a Premier Inn or something?

Visions of...WTAF.

Okay - I'm out. You are determined to damage your child. Cool - you go get her, make her feel her dad doesn't love her, and watch that play out for the next couple of decades.

You are letting her down badly OP. But whatever, you won't hear it.

Your ex is a weak knob. He’s married and taken on her kids and treating them better than his own DD. He’s coming over to your house without his wife’s knowledge. It looks like his new wife wants to play happy families with your DD.

Have a long chat with your DD and ask her what she wants to do, then let your Ex know.

DD doesn’t want to see you for a while, she’s upset that you have remarried and taken on another family.

DD wants to see you alone. Are you prepared to do this?

I agree. If he devoted some time to the daughter he abandoned, and didn’t rub her face in it turning up with a random kid in tow, she’d probably want to make more effort.

He’s pushing her away, it means she won’t go with him next holiday and that’s his loss.

My ex was like this, only he didn't sirens any time at all ever with just our DC. He wouldn't even come and pick them up without at least one of his step children being in the car. Apparently it wasn't fair on them to be told no to spending time with him. But it was ok to say no to our DC.

10ish years later and they have no relationship with him what so ever. Totally his doing.

They'd have loved 5 days holiday and wouldn't have minded the others joining them for the second week. But that never happened.

In his time you don't get to call the shots.
Maybe supporting dd in getting to know the dc may be a better plan.

I do see it as spoilt and I don’t expect you to because she’s your daughter and why would you. But she is getting what she’s asked for and it’s still not good enough for her, rather than talking to her about well you have got some time, dad does have other people who share his life etc etc you just whisk her away.

you asked for opinions I don’t think it’s the answer.

how about you don’t pick her up because she has got what she asked for, when she returns you ask dad for a chat and you tell him you want him to have a relationship with Alice and whilst you appreciate he does have another family, if he could agree to some one on one time an evening a week or a Sunday which isn’t his contact time, it would really help with Alice’s feelings. In return you will ensure his contact time is met and Alice does come and you will talk to her to understand dad loves her but he does also have another family too which is part of your life.

it seems you just want him to cut off his second family and only see your daughter because it’s what she wants. That’s unreasonable.

work together on this or he may well take you to court and Alice will go to her dads whether she likes it or not. Do you wanna do it gently or by force basically

Why doesn't his daughter get to 'call the shots' at least some of the time though, why is it always him or the step dc. I have a stepson and we have always been so careful to carve out alone time for him and his dad. He doesn't get to live with him and my kids do! My kids are biologically his too and it's still important.

The op doesn't get to call the shots. If she was more supportive of the idea dd would i bet . What dd her age would want 12 days alone with their df? She could make some new friends and have fun instead..

The woman he is married to was not ‘ the other woman’ - he had at least a couple of ‘other women’ but seems to have settled down with her.

I genuinely spoke about her potential step-siblings to her with excitement but she was never interested in them and they were always, always there.

I know that he loves her, and I tell her this. There is never an issue with money.

Dispassionately, it is reasonable that a child should have a good relationship with step family but she was never alone with her father. A good relationship might have developed had she been able to see her father alone.

Had she been told that this holiday was only three or four days that would have been fine but she was told it was 12 days with him 1:1.

He lied to her.

So don’t pick her up, let her have the alone time she has got albeit reduced and try to come to a solution with dad and agree a united front on his return.

is she unsafe in his care? Is she going to die if she has to see her step family? If the answers no, let it ride out. Who knows maybe after she finishes sulking she might actually have a great time when the option of home is removed. Don’t deny the chance of a change.

I don’t disagree with you that she should have 1 on 1 time OP, but she will also have to accept she has step family now too. Find a compromise with her and her dad. From what you’ve said her dad would be open to it.

by all means express disappointment with your ex that he moved the goal posts (lied) away from your daughter and explain why you think this isn’t helpful.

he doesn’t sound like an unreasonable uncaring man, surely you can have a adult conversation with him and find a way for everyone to make it work

He sounds like quite an uncaring man choosing not to see his daughter for 9 months.

I would have absolutely loved it. 12 days with my lovely dad would have been heaven.

Of course @CrispyDosa should go and collect DD when she asks.

She has already learned that one parent is unreliable, lies, and is incapable of considering her needs.

I can’t understand all the PP saying your DD is spoilt or trying to call all the shots. She wants to spend time with her dad alone.

She’s not being unreasonable.

It sounds like the step mum doesn’t want them having alone time TBH. This is probably why DR gets sneaked visits at the door. This happened to me. I never had any time alone with my dad since the new woman came on the scene when I was about 11/12. Not so much as a dinner. Because it wasn’t fair on the new woman!!!!

Ooh…tell a lie…we went on a week long holiday. SM threw an enormous fit when dad got back and I was never taken on holiday again. I know about the fit because I was warned not to talk about the holiday when I next saw him because it upset her.

Like every other poster who experienced this as a child, I have virtually no relationship with my father now.

I would ring him and ask what the bloody hell he's playing at!
Of course she's not unreasonable to want regular time alone with her father - he's her dad, not the step children's!
If he wants her to have a decent relationship with his wife and her kids, then he needs to put the effort in and build those relationships.
In lying to her, he's broken her trust. I would go snd get my daughter and remind him that his priority should be his child, not someone else's.

She's 9, whether or not her dad is unreasonable in his actions, what is damaging her the most is that you're both allowing her to call the shots. Far too much power for a child that age and it must be quite unsettling for her.

You need to talk to her dad, agree a reasonable action plan together (which will involve some time with her step-siblings, that's unavoidable) and present it to her as "this is what is happening". Then support her through any emotional upset.

Thank you for putting it so much better than I did. This is what I was poorly trying to say

I don't understand all the posters calling your daughter a brat or that she's "calling the shots", if she were the stepfamily wouldn't be coming.

I would say to her why don't you stay until the stepfamily are due to arrive and then I'll come get you. Try make the most of these days with your dad.

It's hard to explain unless you have experienced it but I absolutely hated that any time I wanted to see a parent, their boyfriend or girlfriend was ALWAYS there. They take over and you don't get any quality time with them. Your parent is always on best behaviour with their stepchildren (never gets annoyed, buys them things they'd never bought for you) and it's really upsetting for children.

Your daughter is 12 years of age, so is not a baby and can say how she feels and what she'd like. Why can't you, your daughter and your ex, sit down together and talk to each other? She needs to tell her Dad, that she'd like some 1:1 time with him, on a regular basis. You have to make sure that she understands that her Dad has remarried and now has step-children, that are part of his life and will remain so. So therefore, like it or not, she is going to have to get used to them and his wife being around. She might not want to share her Dad, but unfortunately, she's going to have to learn that there's not much choice. Her Dad needs to understand that he can't move goal posts, if he's promised 1:1 time for 12 days, then unless it's life and death, that's what he needed to deliver. Yes, she's had a few days with him, but that wasn't what she was promised. He needs to think very very carefully before he makes promises. Too many broken ones, and his daughter will decide that all words out of his mouth are 'lies'. For your part, you need to help your daughter integrate with her step-family, they don't need to be best friends, but there needs to be tolerance. I do think your daughter is jealous that her step-siblings see her Dad regularly and she resents the time he spends with them. As for his wife not 'knowing he was visiting his daughter' in the 9 months, your daughter refused to see him, that's heresy, you don't actually know that. She may have been perfectly aware. Good luck.

He isn't a caring man and he has been a really shit dad.

He couldn't have 5 minutes one on one with his daughter until she snapped and said no more.

These children are absolutely NOTHING to her and she doesn't have to spend time with them if she doesn't want to.

These children are part of her fathers life and have been foisted on her badly.
It would be lovely if a pleasant relationship could have developed naturally, but his stupidity and disregard for her has 100% created this response.

His behaviour by over promising, lying, misleading her deliberately?...... is a terrible futher knock to her relationship with him.
I am glad you are collecting her.
I would not be forcing her to see him, leave her to make her own decisions.
He has betrayed her trust in his behaviour.

My friend was your daughter. Her parents split when she was 15, with twin siblings of 13. Their father met a woman with 3 younger children and within two years they were replaced. He was devoted to his new family and it caused terrible pain for her and her siblings.

They saw very little of him as all the big holidays were with his new family.
My friend lived with it and had to accept it.
She and her siblings had a wonderful loving mother and have made great successes of their lives with their father being only a very distant occasional person on the very periphery of their lives.

When she was 40 her fathers wife died very suddenly, he was devastated.
Funnily enough his step children didn't turn to him, but their birth father who had remained a constant for them in their lives.
Within a year he had reached out to his children wanting to reconnect in his loneliness and grief.
Clearly my friend and her siblings had unresolved anger as they thought he had some cheek.
They never said anything to him, they simply never responded and they focused on being great children as their mother aged right up to her death.
Their father is now a very old man that they feel under zero obligation whatsoever to visit in his nursing home more that very very occasionally.

OP, your daughter has been badly let down, he needs to do better or face the consequences of his actions.

Typically it is a man acting like a dick and thinking with his dick and the advice is for the woman and the child to suck it up. He should be the one making the effort with his child.