Ex and his stepchildren

[CrispyDosa]

My daughter who has just turned 12 has been refusing to see her father for the last nine months.

Her issue was that she never saw him without one of his stepchildren, usually his
stepdaughter. If he were to collect her from an event inevitably a stepchild would be in the car as well.

Finally he agreed that they would go away together this week but it now turns out they will be joined at the weekend by his wife and stepchildren.

My ex feels that she needs to grow up and accept the situation; I would agree if they had any time together but this is absolutely not the case. There is always someone else there.
He would appear every couple of weeks at the door to see her and she would come out to see him; I get the impression his wife doesn't know about this, the visits seemed to take place when he was coming from a day in the office or even a trip to a shop.

My daughter wants me to drive 90 miles to get her. Ex says if that's what she wants I can do it but he's not driving.

I can't understand why he can't see her on his own and once this is established try to build a relationship or at least a tolerance of the other kids
He's throwing away his relationship with his own flesh and blood.

you did the right thing collecting her . The bar is so low for men in terms of parenting it’s a joke, and he’s now reaping what he’s sown and feeling sorry for himself (hence the tears in his eyes). My own brother is currently trying to move his current woman into the home he shares with his kids 50% of the time, claiming it’s all happy families - family members have barely met her but have already witnessed several instances of her being incredibly unkind to his kids which he is actively pretending not to noticed! I can predict a similar outcome to yours in due course.

I feel like this whole situation is inductive of a badly handled break up where the ops daughter has been encouraged to see herself as separate to her dad's new family, rather than as part of it. If you can pinpoint the origins of this, which requires both parents to be willing to take a hard and honest look at how their behaviour might have played into this, then maybe the girls relationship with her father can be rectified.

The father didn't see his child for 9 months because the child decided she didn't want to. And the mum facilitated this.

They're now on holiday together and actually spending time together and the OP is going to pick her up because DD has kicked off (again). So she probably won't see him another 9 months.

Also OPs comment:

I genuinely spoke about her potential step-siblings to her with excitement but she was never interested in them and they were always, always there.

Um yes, they will be. Because her Dad lives with them. It's tough but it's life and what happens when parents separate and move on.

But rather than OP talk to her DD, she's running off to go and pick her up so she spends even less time with him. Teaching DD that she gets to call all the shots.

Great stuff.

You did the right thing going to get her.

Ex seems to be digging his own grave here.

My daughter was distraught saying how she doesn’t see why she needs a relationship with them.

Jesus Christ.

Did you try explaining to your DD that she needs a relationship with them because, like it or not, they are her Dad's wife and her children and they are going to be in his life forever?

If she insists she only sees her Dad when they get 1 on 1 time then she's probably going to end up having absolutely no relationship with him.

I constantly reassured her that her dad loved her. I would like nothing more than for her to have a good relationship with him.

That isn't true though. You are doing exactly the same as your DD and encouraging her behaviour.

Normally on MN it is emphasised that parents with 'new' families should carve out time for their original children.

Presumably it's only one-to-one because your DD has no siblings. If she did then he'd see all together.

It's not at all unreasonable for her not to want to spend all the time with her steps who have her father with them ALL THE TIME

He agreed to a plan for this holiday and has waited till she was there and powerless to go back on his word. Good for her contacting you.

After my parents divorce my brother and I never saw our dad again with his various randoms and their kids. I completely understand where your dd is coming from.

I totally agree with you I'm a step mum to 3 children who are now adults, and I had a small child when I got together with their dad. When we go see them I always ask if my son (now teenager) can come as they might want alone time with their dad, as my son works weekends this is few and far between visits. I've suggested days out that don't include me to give them alone time, but they have always made sure that I and my son are included in all plans that they make.

It's very nice but I'm still very mindful that they might want to speak to their dad about stuff that is from the past and not in anyway shape or form my business.

I think in this situation your ex really should be making time for your daughter to have 1 on 1 time with her.

Give her some extra cuddles when you get her home, and maybe plan for some days out with her

Daughter wants to see her father, not his step children. She's entitled to see, or not see, whoever she wants.

No, she isn't. She got the time alone with her father, but wanted all of it.

CONGRATULATIONS OP! You have absolutely destroyed your child's emotional development! What a fabulous day for both of you. Great to think that - god forbid - something happens to you and she has to live with her dad that she's been trained to believe his behaviour in moving on was a betrayal.

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. You should love your daughter more than you hate your ex and she is NOT your emotional crutch.

You're bonkers

I predict a daughter that grows up and sees a mum who made her think her dad didn't love her by moving on and end up NC with her. I guess we are both psychic.

Quite the compliment coming from you tbh 😆

I think you need to look at this through the child’s eyes.

If you re-read the OP’s update, you might realise that she is the one getting this relationship back on track by advocating for her daughter, helping her daughter set boundaries and mediating improvements in their relationship.

Until father and daughter have re-established a solid foundation, the step family need stay in background. DD will develop those relationships.

I’m glad dad was crying to see his daughter go. He needs a wake up call.

I really wish my mum had done what you did @CrispyDosa

Instead, I grew up in a dysfunctional blended family that never worked and which most of the kids couldn't get away fast enough from when they became adults.

Don't listen to the naysayers OP. More parents should advocate for their children in blended families. Society would be much better off with less damage to kids in the long term. It's just an uncomfortable truth for some adults.

I say all this as a step mum myself who has never ever encroached on important parent-child time.

Thanks

I predict a child who grows up knowing her selfish dad chose himself over her and goes NC.

Yes I did think the same. I can't make out where MN lies on this issue - I've seen people crucified on here for daring to suggest their stepchildren be treated than less than royalty but here it's a complete 180. Depends who's talking I suppose...?

Exactly. It disgusts me the way children are expected to suck up all the random “blended “ family members that are thrust upon them and all because the adults in their live are free to drop, pick up and choose whomsoever they fancy.

If the child doesn’t want those children in her life, she shouldn’t have them foisted on her just because she’s a child and it suits her father.

Every step family is different and should be treated as such. Each child has their own needs and goes at their own pace. There is no 'one size fits all' approach which some adults seem to think. Some people click, some don't. Some blended families will be successful, some won't.

The only real way to make it work is to listen and respect all involved. If one of the kids expresses the need for one-one time with their parent, that should really be respected. Ignoring it or railroading kids into doing things they're not comfortable with creates problems, which is exactly what has happened here.

The op is doing the right thing. He is prioritising someone else's children over his own child. It sounds like his wife is preventing this grown "man" from seeing his own child alone. That's why he's calling in on his way home from work or the shops. He needs to grow a spine and tell her he is seeing his DD. How many times do we see on here dad's not spending one to one time with their kids and they are told how important it is?

I agree.

Amen. I'm so sick of the double standards.