AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

[WelcomeToMonkeyTown]

DD is 8 and has Asperger's.

She's very very literal- i have to be careful what I say to her as she really struggles if I've said something is happening and then it doesn't. She's having therapy to work on this as sadly it's something that is going to happen in life.

She's had a hard year at school with some low-level bullying, and has no friends at school. She has about 4-5 outside of school who are my friends' kids who she sees occasionally, maybe every 2-3 months.

One in particular is M who she loves. We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates.

M's mum is very strict and will insist on work being done before playing. And if the work isn't done, you don't go.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her. M's mum then called and said sorry, M hasn't done her work so they aren't coming.

DD was gutted and now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work.

For context M was also 2 hours late for DD's last 2 birthday parties. This year her mum got the time wrong apparently. Last year she wasn't allowed to leave until she'd tidied her bedroom.

I know my DD has to learn that sometimes people let you down. And sometimes people say they'll do something and then don't.

But AIBU to think this friendship is going to cause more pain than it's worth?

And also AIBU to think that it's fucking rude to let us wait 90 mins and then say you're not coming ?! I respect her right to punish her daughter as she sees fit but she's punishing mine too, who has done nothing wrong.

Why on earth did you take your DD to the pool hours before you were even due to meet?

Don’t say that M is coming then if she does it’s a nice surprise.

I would find this really annoying! However, as your DD doesn't have loads of friends, it seems a shame to ditch this friendship. I would be very careful about how you communicate plans with this child to your DD, but I wouldn't break off the friendship.

I am not sure where you got that from.

We were due to meet at 1.30

At 12 told me 1.30 was unlikely so I said "we'll head down around then and amuse ourselves til you get here"

Yes - you still arrived needlessly early. If you know that your DD is likely to get frustrated over her friend not being there yet then this is the last thing to do.

To me, saying a time is unlikely means you might be a little late.

It doesn't mean that you'll let me wait 90 mins and then tell me you're not coming

But I take your point.

If we do meet again I will tell DD that we won't leave home until we know M has!

I would discourage the friendship. I had to do similar with one of DD3s friendships. The girl's Dad was the same and had no issues with upsetting another child by cancelling plans last minute.

I stopped allowing DD to invite her friend to places when he cancelled his DD coming to a theme park with us (we'd bought tickets for DDs birthday) when we were on the way to collect her as she hadn't brought her laundry down to the basket.

Dd didn't have many friends at that point but the fact she was repeatedly being upset meant this one wasn't as much of a loss as it seemed

We have a very flaky friend and I never mention to my child they are coming. If they turn up, it's just an exciting surprise.

I wouldn’t have told her, there could be any number of reasons why someone should isn’t able to make it when you’ve made plans. I don’t always tell my toddler if we are going to see friends out and about as he fixates on it and doesn’t enjoy the here and now and is upset if it doesn’t happen. Better to keep plans casual if she finds the waiting and then the disappointment too much then meeting a friend is a bonus.

If your DD does not have many friends then absolutely don’t squash any friendship unnecessarily. Just manage your DD’s expectations differently by not telling her at all and if the friend does show it’s a bonus.

I understand those saying don't tell her; but this was a specific date to meet this friend.

If there were other kids coming too then it wouldn't be such an issue, but this was a specific play date with this friend because DD had missed her. Which I explained to M's mum, who is aware of the issues at school.

Can you say to DD 'M will be coming IF she has done her homework '? Or would the uncertainty be too great? I wouldn't discourage the friendship but I wouldn't prioritise it either. M's mum is very strict. Personally it would annoy me that this impacted on my child and yes, not letting you know that they weren't coming at all is rude.

I don't think it's fair to discourage the friendship just because the mum is unreliable. Or strict, or whatever her reasons are for flakiness.
I'd say just don't mention that she's coming. Save on disappointment. I'd say the mum should be informed that it's rude to ditch plans in the manner in which she did with the pool. But it could well fall on deaf ears or she'll get defensive.

I did tell her this beforehand so I could prepare her if M was late.

She would have been OK with M being late as M is ALWAYS late

But she doesn't understand her not coming at all. She believes that M didn't care about coming because if she did care she'd have done the work so she could come

So M's mother knows your DD has Aspergers? So she's not only punished her own daughter.. she's punished yours too?
What work is the 8 year suppose to be doing?
Bit young to be doing any type of work.
I have ASD Grandkids and l know they like structure.
I think your friend is definitely in the wrong.
I do hope you still took your DD into the pool... and she had a great time.

I couldn't be arsed with that myself. I get teaching your DC that now and then people have to cancel or be 10 minutes late because of something unavoidable. Personally I wouldn't teach DC to tolerate this flaky behaviour.

Yes she does know.

She also knows DD has no friends at school and that this playdate was important to her.

I told her DD was upset and her response was
"I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority"

How she parents is her business but I don't know if this is going to work for us.

In terms of the work she's doing, in all honesty I don't know the details. This is a relatively new diagnosis!

There's probably some truth in your last paragraph tbh.
I'd rather not have a friend than one who doesn't treat me well.

Do you think M's mum is being truthful or just looking for excuses to avoid meeting up? I would be very wary of this friendship going forward if they are unreliable and clearly don't have much respect for you or your daughter if they turn up to birthday parties so late and breaking agreed meet ups.

Yes I believe her.

When she called me I could her M crying in the background and her saying to M "and now you've upset MonkeyTown's DD..."

"I truly am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority"
Well all she is teaching her children is that it is ok to teat people like crap. She needs to find better repercussions for their misbehaviour that does not have an negative effect on other people

How would she cope with meeting her being unexpectedly sprung on her? If she can cope with that, then I would leave the friendship to continue especially given her lack of other friends.

"M's" mum doesn't sound strict, otherwise surely she would be getting her work done and bedroom tidied on time etc. "M's" mum sounds flakey (and not that interested).

I think it was a mistake to head to the pool when you knew the plan was looking shaky, and I wonder if there was an element of trying to make it difficult for your friend to cancel the plan altogether?

In any case since she is fully aware that she is messing around a child who has friendship issues, autism, and doesn't deal well with uncertainty and plans changing, I agree it will be best not to make plans with them. It is a shame, but my feeling is that they don't especially value the friendship between your daughter and M, and so M will not jump in line to see your daughter, and her mother is happy to cancel if M does not jump in line. Your daughter's needs are not important to either of them.