AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

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DD is 8 and has Asperger's.

She's very very literal- i have to be careful what I say to her as she really struggles if I've said something is happening and then it doesn't. She's having therapy to work on this as sadly it's something that is going to happen in life.

She's had a hard year at school with some low-level bullying, and has no friends at school. She has about 4-5 outside of school who are my friends' kids who she sees occasionally, maybe every 2-3 months.

One in particular is M who she loves. We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates.

M's mum is very strict and will insist on work being done before playing. And if the work isn't done, you don't go.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her. M's mum then called and said sorry, M hasn't done her work so they aren't coming.

DD was gutted and now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work.

For context M was also 2 hours late for DD's last 2 birthday parties. This year her mum got the time wrong apparently. Last year she wasn't allowed to leave until she'd tidied her bedroom.

I know my DD has to learn that sometimes people let you down. And sometimes people say they'll do something and then don't.

But AIBU to think this friendship is going to cause more pain than it's worth?

And also AIBU to think that it's fucking rude to let us wait 90 mins and then say you're not coming ?! I respect her right to punish her daughter as she sees fit but she's punishing mine too, who has done nothing wrong.

Why do her "discussed repercussions" have to involve letting down and punishing your child too? She's bloody rude.
Instead she could do the swimming and say "No TV till you've done the work." God knows what work she means. Is it tutoring homework or something?

I would drop her to be honest. It's a shame, but the mum is rude and happy to let you down.

Encourage your daughter to make friends with similar interests that she can see more often. Maybe an outside school club. You can’t control anyone else or what they do so all you can do is think how you can improve things for your own daughter.

Going against the grain here, but I understand where M's mum is coming from. She is responsible for parenting her child, and has clearly set ground rules and boundaries for her (possibly her other children too) which have consequences. Sometimes that will unfortunately mean that other children are disappointed as well as her own, but that's what happens with punishments. Perhaps she has tried other things and they simply haven't worked. It might mean that her daughter is invited less things in future as a result. If M is always going to playdates and parties, she clearly is able to follow the rules when she wants to. Is it possible that she (M) didn't want to go? If her friendship with your daughter is more a consequence of the parents being friends, sadly it might have run it's course. It's hard when our children struggle to make friends but I would probably focus on helping your daughter to build friendships outside of school and your own friendship circle. With regards this friend, I wouldn't end the friendship but I would manage your daughter's expectations - probably by not telling her about a meet up in advance. Her mum, might think it better not to arrange anything in case M acts up and she has to cancel.

But why punish another child in the process @YourWildAmberSloth?

That's just so mean spirited. Use another means of discipline instead.

In defence of the friend, she could desperately want to see her friend, but still not manage to get her work done. Ds has lost devices pretty much all weekend before now, just because he wouldn't/ couldn't complete a 30 minute tidying job. Granted, he's not letting anyone else down, but I'm not sure it's cos the friend didn't want to meet your dd.

I think the mum sounds pretty rude and unreliable. I would let go of this friendship as I don’t see how this is a behaviour that will change. You could always try a last ditch attempt to talk about it with her so she understands how much it affects your daughter

Honestly she sounds ridiculously rigid, pompous and self absorbed.

I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority

This just sounds completely over the top parenting for a child of that age. Also why the need to come across as such a dick?

She should have been clear with you that when she said 1.30 “wasn’t likely” what she actually meant was “we are unlikely to make it.”

I wouldn’t discourage the friendship but I would start to manage your DD’s expectations.

How friendly is your DD with M? Do they get along well? I'd usually say fuck the flakey friend off and move on, but given that your DD doesn't have many friends, and this Mum sounds absolutely bashit, I feel for M to be honest! Sounds like she is living a shit life.

Enjoy your afternoon with your nice friend.

My take on this is your friend is self absorbed, entitled and teaching her DD to be the same. She is also teaching her the only boundaries that matter are hers and over stepping yours.

As a mum of an autistic child I would step back massively from this friendship and encourage your dd to build friendships with other kids.

Your DD deserves better than this and deserves to learn her time is important to. Who thinks turning up 2 hours late for a party is ok? I think I would be answering "i fully respect your boundaries and teaching your DD how you see fit but as i will be teaching my DD her time is precious to and she is allowed to set her own boundaries which means she doesn't need to hang about waiting for someone who doesn't show up for her. Hope you things go well for you. Bye

Sorry, lots to read, but for those who were asking, the message at 12 was not written word for word as it is here.

It was categorically "1.30 is unlikely". Not that the meeting itself was unlikely.

When she called me at 3 it was clear that she'd left M to do her work and came to check in her with the view of "have you done it now so we can go?"

I do not know what work it is she's doing but I believe it's school related as opposed to chores

Why on earth is the mum making her 8 year old DD do school work in the middle of the holidays in this heat? Do primary schools really give out holiday homework? DD's never did.

She sounds awful.

Yes, the mother sounds insufferable.

Poor M. I wouldn't want her mother anywhere near my child.I'm a mum of 2 kids with SN - no,we don't have many playdates,but I'd rather have fewer with good people.

Lots of love to your daughter OP

Even without your DDs SN this is an awful thing to do to 8 year olds. Any child that age would be disappointed with a playdate being cancelled that last minute, unfortunately it affects your DD even more. She sounds like an awful parent.

I would not tell my DD that M is coming to the activity with her, till I know they are there or likely to be there.
Keep re-assuring your DD that M did not fail to come because she does not like her, but because she is learning discipline with her work and tidiness.
Eventually your DD will learn this and cope with changes of plans, which is a must in teen and adult life. So do not avoid exposing her to it forever, but damp it for now, as your DD is finding it too much.

We have a friend who did/does similar. She essentially taught them that other people didn't matter, and now they're older she's surprised they're constantly in trouble with other people - because they treat people as though they don't matter!

My DD is ASD too. We pulled back and I now only meet up in groups, when we'd enjoy ourselves without them or after they've messaged that they're on their way, or sometimes we'll go to their house.

I didn't tell my kids we were meeting them until it was a sure thing. And now DD is 12 I still make sure to stress that they may not turn up, to manage expectations.

The mum believes she's totally justified btw.

Yes the mum sounds mental and rude. I'm all for giving my dc consequences but I don't encourage them to let other people down.

This is the best suggestion. Other parents don’t parent according to the expectations of others.

This 👆👆👆

I would also explain to DD where the blame lay. My DD needs to understand other people's motivations to get over what feels to her like a deliberate unkindness, so I'd explain that M's mother has decided doing her schoolwork currently takes priority over learning social skills and sticking to plans, and that's something we can't affect.

You'll have to discuss how other parents do things differently frequently as she sees other families, so it's a useful lesson, albeit a harsh one.

Crikey what kind of boot camp is that poor child being brought up in .

I've read everything now and appreciate the points, thank you.

I don't have the energy to go back to M's mum about this as I don't think she'll budge from "well I'm sorry she's upset but this is how I do things so tough shit".

With regards M's other invites, I know from mutual friends that she is rarely on time to anything but I don't know if she's missed other events altogether.

Apologies if the timeline wasn't clear.
• I was picking my DD up from holiday club at 1.30, so I arranged this for 1.30 knowing it would be highly unlikely they'd be there at 1.30 on the dot (given past experience) so if we got there at 1.45 it wouldn't matter.

• At 12 she said "Heads up - not looking good for 13:30"
I said no worries, we'll go in and see you when you get there.
• At 1.15 she texted asking me to send a photo of DD at the pool to help gee M along.
• At 1.30 I picked up DD, told her M was going to be late as she's not done her work yet, and most likely hasn't left home yet (30 min drive). I asked did she want to do something else or go to the pool and play with me while we wait. She chose to go to the pool with me and laughed saying "of course they're late, M's mum is always late". We took our time, got a doughnut on the way and got there about 2.
So we were not actually sat there waiting 90 mins, I should not have implied we were, I'm sorry. It was only an hour.
• At 3 I texted asking how long they'd be as DD was annoying me constantly going to check. She then called me saying she'd been doing something else and went to check on M and found she'd done no work and she was furious and M would be having no treats, no TV etc and that they would now not be coming.

A small part of me wonders if she would had messaged me at all if I hadn't messaged her at 3.

Maybe I should have messaged sooner. Maybe I could have prepared DD better.

I think I will leave it and see if she gets in touch. I don't think she will as I don't think she has any interest in being friends with me or with M being friends with DD. If DD asks about M then I will have to think what I do - I will try to remind her that if we make a plan with M, she has to accept there's a significant chance M may not turn up.

We will try to focus on building other friendships elsewhere. She's tried various local clubs and didn't really like any of them. But we'll see.

Thanks again

I thought this too. Very odd on the opening post it says she is popular and always ay playmates and parties.

If there's no problem with others, maybe she's trying to phase you out? Wiho knows?

Decent parents don't punish other children by cancelling play dates either