AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

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DD is 8 and has Asperger's.

She's very very literal- i have to be careful what I say to her as she really struggles if I've said something is happening and then it doesn't. She's having therapy to work on this as sadly it's something that is going to happen in life.

She's had a hard year at school with some low-level bullying, and has no friends at school. She has about 4-5 outside of school who are my friends' kids who she sees occasionally, maybe every 2-3 months.

One in particular is M who she loves. We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates.

M's mum is very strict and will insist on work being done before playing. And if the work isn't done, you don't go.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her. M's mum then called and said sorry, M hasn't done her work so they aren't coming.

DD was gutted and now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work.

For context M was also 2 hours late for DD's last 2 birthday parties. This year her mum got the time wrong apparently. Last year she wasn't allowed to leave until she'd tidied her bedroom.

I know my DD has to learn that sometimes people let you down. And sometimes people say they'll do something and then don't.

But AIBU to think this friendship is going to cause more pain than it's worth?

And also AIBU to think that it's fucking rude to let us wait 90 mins and then say you're not coming ?! I respect her right to punish her daughter as she sees fit but she's punishing mine too, who has done nothing wrong.

"I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority"

Anyone who would put this into writing and send it to a friend is a gigantic dick 😂

I think you will have to have boundaries and manage expectations but that it will be worth retaining the friendship for DDs sake.

So don't meet her anywhere, have her come by yours on the way and pick you up or at least confirm she has left. She is quite clear about her boundaries, so should be okay with you saying something along the lines of "I can't arrange to meet you there, given it relies on M doing her work first and often doesn't happen. Can you call me when she's done and we can arrange a time then."

If you do get to talk to her face to face, I think it would be reasonable to ask that your DD does not form part of her reward and punishment scheme, gently, just suggesting she think about how her DD would feel if it was reversed.

Could you just take her swimming and say M may join us, but might not be able to. So she still gets to swim and have fun with you at least.

OP this would be difficult for my ASD DD. She doesn’t have any friends at all. If something is arranged in future I’d communicate that with this friend it’s “uncertain” to manage expectations.

That poor M child is going to have a large therapy bill when they grow up.

Poor M too, that's a real shame for her if her Mum is so harsh

I had a mum friend who would do similar, truth was she was just flakey and didn’t value our friendship. If she got a better offer from someone else, or just didn’t fancy meeting up she would use the same excuse that it was because her dc was naughty or whatever- but it was always very last minute.
Your friend has every right to parent her dc as she sees fit, but at some point you have to think how much your going to allow that to impact your life, your time and both your and you dcs emotions. She might not deliberately think she’s being rude but it IS rude and it does show that she has little respect for you or your daughter to stand you up.
if you want to keep the friendship for your dc’s sake then you need to expect to be let down and if they turn up think of it as a bonus. For example taking dc swimming (don’t mention meeting up and if dc asks just be vague and say o yes good idea I will have to arrange that at some point - don’t give definite dates/time frames) just act as if it’s an activity for just you and dc, don’t wait around outside just go in and get on with it, and then if they turn up you can turn it into a surprise, and if they don’t well you’ll be pissed off but dc will be none the wiser and will hopefully have had a good time.

"I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority"

Which basically means they'll never consider any other children in their dealings.

Not a good friendship for your DD (actually not a good friendship for any child)

To be honest this is how I feel.

We are not important to them.

Back story: I have my own issues with the mum when we were going through a family issue earlier in the year. She knew about it as someone else told her, and she discussed it behind my back but never contacted me once to offer sympathy or help. Whereas when she had a family issue a couple of years ago I bent over backward to help.

I think she's not bothered with our family as they have enough friends. I can deal with that; I'm an adult and I accept she can be friends with who she likes and if she doesn't want to be friends with me then that's ok 😀

But this adds to my uncertainty of if I should be pushing to keep a friendship between DD & M

I'd be furious with M's mum. Keeping you waiting for 90 minutes and then cancel? Awful behaviour on her part. I'd arrange to meet up and do the exact same thing back to her.

She also needs to know that she's not strict if she can't keep to her own time table.

The one I feel most sorry for here is poor M. Imagine growing up with a mother like that. It’s summer, forget homework, let the poor kid go to the pool!

Thank you for all the replies, I appreciate it.

We're off out for a few hours now to meet DD's friend L and her very lovely considerate mum !

So are the friend meet-ups always preceded by a task?
Why doesn't M's mum just do the meet up/ party and worry about the tidy bedroom or schoolwork another time? Maybe she doesn't want to?
I feel bad for your DD and I feel bad for you having to manage her disappointment.

You can't expect Ms mum to parent differently to suit your DDs needs. If those are her rules for M, then so be it, and if your DD interprets that in a personal way, then it's up to you to manage that. You have two options, stop the friendship, which is easier for you, but harsh on DD and M, or work with what you have, which would be to manage DDs expectations. So wherever possible don't tell her M is coming or stress its only a maybe. If it were me, I'd have got DD enthused about our trip to the pool, then if M showed up, even better.

I wouldn’t even tell her she was going to see her until you know M is on the way. M’ms mum is a rude jerk though.

The flip side is these children with very strict parents are also likely to be short of friends and probably adore any opportunity to be with a more forgiving family.

My DD had a friend with strict parents and who was literally never taken to any attractions or anything. They were always a joy to have over as so polite and appreciative.

But the last minute cancellations must be very annoying especially if you have paid for something up front. You need to find a way to manage that.

Children of Tiger Mums have a tough time.

I would not initiate anything with them. The mum is teaching her DD that it is OK to mess people around and be flakey.

The mum sounds horrible TBH, and I would distance myself.

If her "excuses" are true then I foresee a massive teenage rebellion and her DD going off the rails. I mean - what "work" does an 8 year old have to do during the school holidays, other than tidying her room or similar?

I'm sorry your DD doesn't have many friends. Are there any groups she could join that might help - brownies?

I agree with this. It sounds like it's good for her to have some friends. I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time at the moment, it must be very hard for you both

Right so you dont really like the mum - and this just worsens it - i would slowly let the friendship fade.

Since the other Mum is not prioritising her own's DD's friendships, your own DD is only going to be caught up in that. This would be hard enough for a NT 8 yo, never mind one with Asperger's.

I feel for the other young girl.

Exactly. The Tiger Mum in the book put hours of music practice before anything. Holidays and visits to Grandparents all ruined as the children had to not just do the practice but have achieved the required goal of learning a tricky few bars or whatever.
Amazed her husband put up with it.

Oh this has sent a shiver down my spine.

My parents used to be exactly like M’s parents, and it was so embarrassing and humiliating for me as a child. You’re absolutely spot on: M’s parents really don’t care at all about anyone else’s children. It’s all about them, their children, their household, their choices, their values. The only redeeming quality they seem to have is being honest with you.

I think your DD’s diagnosis is a red herring in this context. I wouldn’t want my DD to be held hostage like this, Asperger’s or not. M’s mum isn’t a friend to you. It doesn’t take much to say “well, you haven’t done your 20 minutes of maths, but Sally is waiting now and you can’t let her down either. You’ll just have to do 40 minutes when you get back”.

I lost so many little friends as a young girl because of my parents 😔. As an adult, I now totally understand those girls’ parents, one of whom ranted and raved at my dad down the phone about how awful he was for letting her DD down the way he did. she was completely in the right. And of course, I raise my D.C. totally differently.

Separately, your DD will find her niche. More friends will come. You need friends who respect you and your children, your DD needs friends who respect her and whose parents respect her and her mum. Don’t put your DD through this.

And poor little M 😢😢

You and your dd need better friends the adult sounds ridiculous what "work" does the 8 year old have to do that constitutes not having a day out with friends, poor M as an aside I'd maybe would have cancelled on them and just took your Dd swimming on your own telling her they couldn't come because M's mum had cancelled because she couldn't make the time you had arranged.

You shouldn't keep telling your DD that M is coming when you know her mum is flaky and cancels a lot - it's not fair.

Just arrange to go somewhere and if M turns up - great. If not, well, DD won't know either way so won't get upset.

The mother sounds unhinged. I'd stop pushing the friendship and concentrate on others. I feel sorry for her dd.

This is probably the most sensible advice.