AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

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DD is 8 and has Asperger's.

She's very very literal- i have to be careful what I say to her as she really struggles if I've said something is happening and then it doesn't. She's having therapy to work on this as sadly it's something that is going to happen in life.

She's had a hard year at school with some low-level bullying, and has no friends at school. She has about 4-5 outside of school who are my friends' kids who she sees occasionally, maybe every 2-3 months.

One in particular is M who she loves. We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates.

M's mum is very strict and will insist on work being done before playing. And if the work isn't done, you don't go.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her. M's mum then called and said sorry, M hasn't done her work so they aren't coming.

DD was gutted and now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work.

For context M was also 2 hours late for DD's last 2 birthday parties. This year her mum got the time wrong apparently. Last year she wasn't allowed to leave until she'd tidied her bedroom.

I know my DD has to learn that sometimes people let you down. And sometimes people say they'll do something and then don't.

But AIBU to think this friendship is going to cause more pain than it's worth?

And also AIBU to think that it's fucking rude to let us wait 90 mins and then say you're not coming ?! I respect her right to punish her daughter as she sees fit but she's punishing mine too, who has done nothing wrong.

I’m of the same mindset of your friend. Discipline however you like but if your punishments encroach onto punishing my child too then I won’t be encouraging meet ups. Fair play to you for seeing her point.

OP, I know that you’re trying to balance things for your DD’s sake, but don’t let that turn into accepting toxic behaviour. I feel very sorry for the little girl who is her friend but it’s teaching your dd some really bad lessons about her own self esteem. A handful of friends is better than lots of people who walk all over you.

M's Mum sounds terrible. I'd not necessarily discourage DD from the friendship but I wouldn't encourage it either and would stop inviting M anywhere. If M's Mum invites DD, I'd say:

""I truly am sorry to disappoint you, but hope you can understand seeking to lovingly parent my children, protecting them from being let down by unreliable friends & teaching them not to accept anything less, is and always will be my priority."

I still feel really sorry for M being stuck with her though.

Basically said don’t use my child to punish yours. He’s a real little person and not a prop for you to use in discipline.

This is good! I’d respond with that but expect the mum to take it badly!

I would have a word with the mum and explain that DD’s diagnosis means that this sort of thing is unsettling to her and that if she doesn’t change her approach you will discourage the friendship. It does seem a shame and the other mum sounds like a bit of a dick. Also what is the “work” this 8yo girl is needing to do? Chores? In any event I get that not going to stuff can be a punishment but when you have promised someone else you can’t just not turn up.

My daughter is autistic and I would be livid if another mum did this.

Come on....nobody can think its ok to mess other kids around like this.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her

You appear to have caused the issue though. The other mum did the right thing and contacted you prior to say it was looking unlikely they’d be going to the arranged play date at the pool (as that’s exactly what is read by what you have written, not that they would be going later at some unspecified time), yet you didn’t tell your DD in advance that the play date would now be unlikely to occur. Instead, for some reason, you went to the pool and waited for someone who told you they were not coming until you heard otherwise. So, your DD was upset due to your actions, not that of the other mum.

I wouldn't discourage the friendship as such, but I wouldn't put myself in a situation where your dd's day depends on someone who's a flakey attender.

Obviously the other mum is being an inconsiderate arse, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I think it's best just to leave that one to the group meet ups.

That's annoying but it sounds like she told you she needed to do her work so the time could change and it sounds like you know she won't take her out if she hasn't done her work.

Either don't agree to meet if it's not definite or don't tell your DD they are coming.

Also agree it's a bit early to head down at 12 if she said they'd come at 1:30 (if I understood correctly)

Never mind your dd - I couldn't stand this woman myself. I don't know how you've managed to stand her this long. But similarly, wouldn't want to punish her dd for her mother's batshitery either. I would say as pp - do not use my dd to punish yours and if that made no headway - it would be the end.

The other mum sounds incredibly intense!

You can't change how someone else parents, especially not a close friend or relative. Just treat this how you might treat flaky adult friends i.e. only invite her to group meet ups where it does not matter if they do not turn up. Or do it as - we will be at the pool at 2pm on Saturday if you want to join us. Do not change times or days to suit the other family, and do not wait for them. If they are going to eb late just say, oh that is a shame, we are going at 4pm, so might not see you. Do not tell your daughter her friend is coming.

By the way I wonder if you may be undiagnosed autistic as well? Because I think the mums message was saying they were not coming, not that they were coming later. But it was written in that vague English polite way that takes interpreting.

Of course these people have an absolute cheek not turning up or arriving late. Don't make any arrangements with them in future. Its just setting your DD up to be disappointed. Sounds like the Mum doesn't really want those meetings,

now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work

There might be something in this. She presumably manages to get things done before all the other play dates she has.

I think you know that this mum doesn't see you as important and doesn't really want your friendship. That's a shame but it's fine. Focus your efforts on making new (maybe younger) friends for your daughter via activities and hobbies

I think you need to cut your losses with this girl. I think it’s unlikely she’ll ever be a lovely friend. Her mother sounds controlling to the point of derangement (and I’m a big fan of discipline.) Poor kid.

Focus your efforts with developing other friendships.

To be honest I'd be inclined to chat with Ms mum and just explain that you fully understand why things haven't worked out and that she's trying to keel her dd accountable and teach her to be responsible, but due to your dds needs for consistency and struggles with change, you wonder if there's a way you could work together to make sure that this doesn't happen again?

If I'm brutally honest it sounds like M's Mum is a bit of a c*nt. Sadly may be best to let the friendship fizzle out. Hopefully you'll be able to find some new friends for your DD. Maybe neurodiverse ones who might be more on her level. Does she have any special interests you can get her involved with as a way to naturally make friends (with a bit of gentle help) ?

For what it's worth my DC aren't diagnosed autistic and we wouldn't be able to cope with a friend whose mum kept pulling this stunt.

But she still may end up disappointed if they don't leave home.

Next time, take DD swimming. If M turns up great! If she doesn't, you and DD have had a lovely time swimming and you'd DD is none the wiser that M's mum has bailed.

My 6 year old is NT and couldn´t cope with this, it would upset her. I would cool this off. Anyway, that shitty message she sent you would be enough for me to send her and her priorities where the sun don´t shine.

The mum sounds like a bully, and one who doesn't prioritise her friendship with you or her daughter's friendship with your DD. It's tough as your daughter really likes her daughter. Perhaps you could try to limit meet ups to group meetings so that there's less pressure on them arriving/arriving on time? I would also focus on developing other friendships. It's hard when people let you down! Sorry OP.

That is actually not a bad reading of the situation.

If that child really wanted to meet yours she would have done her ‘work’

The mum sounds sanctimonious and uncaring towards your daughter.

I wouldn’t make any arrangements with them.

If they contact you for a play date then explain it can only be a visit to your house.

If they come it can be a surprise if not no loss.

Good on your friend for calling you out on this and good on you for reflecting and realising how this was impacting another child.

I am generally all for natural consequences in terms of discipline however, not when it involves letting down another child. I would never stop them from going to a party as punishment for example as I would feel so bad for the party child.

OP- what "work" is involved here? How does an 8 year old have hours and hours of work to do.

If I were you I would respond to her message and say "I understand that you need to parent as you see fit however, as it is having such a negative impact on my DD then unfortunately I wont be able to meet for play dates again. My priority is, and always will be, the emotional well being of you child!

Agree with other poster
mum is strict at netting out punishments and “consistency “ but bugger all about actually ensure her dd does her school work or other chores at appropriate times.
talking the talk but not walking the walk.

i personally think social development is equally important at the sort of ages where mums still need to organise meet ups. And so therefore is teaching children manners, social expectations etc. that doesn’t include letting people down by not turning up to something unless there’s a medical or transport issue suddenly occurring. The mum should have used another lesson to teach her daughter about getting stuff done, rather than to punish multiple people and make them waste their time.

the fucking audacity of telling her daughter “now you’ve upset…” . No, mum it’s you and your inconsiderate punishments upsetting this girl.

id be questioning my friendship with such a self absorbed, rigid parent who has really grasped that parenting is about teaching, coaching and guiding and problem solving why her daughter keeps doing this. Fix the bloody problem - not keep dishing out punishments on repeat when they’re clearly not working 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️